Let's Use The Swiffer Wet Jet On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, a loud fan distracts a UNC free throw with the Miley Cyrus song "Wrecking Ball."

"Seen this? I love it so very much." -Tom

An Unexpected Surprise.

Joel found out yesterday afternoon that a new dick vending machine has been installed in the apartment complex laundry room!

And even though he had tons of frozen dick still left in his walk-in freezer, Joel was eager to try out the new machine. He scrounged around the apartment for change, but unfortunately his chimp servant Chad Yarborough had used all of the change in the change jar to bleach out Joel's dick bib.

He checked the console of the Festiva in the garage. Nothing.

He rattled his Little Lulu bank on the mantel. Nothing.

He checked under the throw pillows on his papa san. Nothing.

Then he realized that the dick vending machine took dollar bills, too! He went to an ATM, broke the twenty at a convenience store by buying some Tic Tacs, and bought nineteen dollars and 43 cents worth of vendable DICK!

Needless to say, he spoiled his appetite for dinner. His chimp servant had to put the rosemary stuffed shells in the fridge.

(pictured above, The Newspaper Association of America's last half-assed attempt at relevance)

Clarification Corner

Get it right!


Get it right, people!

Tava Smiley is the 80 lb. host of TLC's Clean Sweep, where she jumps around in non-heavy-labor-appropriate outfits and enthusiastically tells doughy couples she would never speak to in real life to throw their shit out. Tavis Smiley is the former host of The Tavis Smiley Show on NPR, and currently hosts Tavis Smiley on PBS, where he gives rambling, inarticulate interviews while wearing ill-fitting suits.



Get it right!

Born and raised in Missouri, Tava Smiley earned a degree in communications at the University of Missouri. Tavis Smiley attended Indiana University and received his bachelor's degree in law and public policy in 1986.



Get it right!

Tava Smiley has been in crappy shows like General Hospital, Nash Bridges, and Walker, Texas Ranger. The only crappy show Tavis Smiley has appeared on is the Moesha spinoff The Parkers, aka Mo'Nique on UPN (this is not a racist joke. Go ahead and doublecheck that shit on imdb.com).

Get it right!

I would happily bang both of them. How about you, Pewter Bear?


Shut the fuck up already, Pewter Bear. Your opinions, hell, your whole life, is worth shit, alright? Die a slow and miserable death, you insufferable smegma. What were we talking about, again?