UAG

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Face it. Your acting career isn't taking off the way you imagined after moving to LA. You've been passed over for that tomato soup commercial that would've really put you on the map. So now what? How about getting into porn? You can land a pornstar job anywhere in the Valley within 15 minutes. Alls you need now is a pornstar name. Here are a few aliases that are available, but only because they're terrible. So help yourself (and then help yourself):

HER:

Unmitigata Gall

Halley Tosis

Helvetica Wide

Anal Adams

Hannah Lay

Maga Dipshit

HIM:

Partisan Gerrymandering

Brock Holeson

Pervert Hoover

Skeevie Ray Vaughn

Abdulling Banjos

Locke Herrupp

Joel MacDonald Ate A Dick, E-A-E-A-D-J

What to do, what to do.

Joel locked himself out of the apartment this morning when he took some used dick containers out to the trash. Unfortunately, it was still 4am, and none of his neighbors were up yet. So Joel tried to fall asleep on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The nearsighted security guard Paolo saw a figure sleeping by the pool and just assumed it was a bum who wandered onto the premises. He swung his truncheon onto Joel's shins, creating a loud CRACK that woke him up.

But before Joel had a chance to protest and explain his situation, Paolo had bagged him in a lawn trash bag and proceeded to throw him over the hedges into an adjoining construction site, which was a good 30 foot drop.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough enjoyed a very quiet, leisurely breakfast.

(pictured above, the actual bed that I slept in while visiting my cousin in New Jersey)