VidCon 2024's Newest Roster Additions!

Social Media's biggest gathering of content creators is back– this time with even more guest appearances! Almost all tickets have been sold now, with these newest additions to the schedule:

• Lumbar Lizard will appear not only WITH his ex-girlfriend/co-content creator but also his EX-DOG!

• Horny-librarian-who-went-viral Cassidy Richmund will be acting as an usher

• Chappell Roan's donut shop co-worker (who still works there) will tell lots of amusing anecdotes about the pop star

• Republican Vice President candidate J.D. Vance will conduct an eyeliner tutorial onstage

• Flash Animation founder Curry Alphonso will walk through the halls asking if anyone needs anything animated

Whattaya Say We Say Goodbye To More Stuff In Advertisements!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

"Innovation Distinguishes Between a Leader and a Pathmark."

More Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his talented pool of creative writers are preparing the next batch of batshit crazy conspiracy theories for his gullible fanbase. Here are the latest new stories he's going to try to sell them as true:

• Dr. Anthony Fauci is actually an android powered by kombucha and vaccines

• The earth used to be flat but started to become curved when heavy SUVs parked on the corners.

• Logan Paul and Jake Paul are untattooed clones of the Island Boys

• Everyone has claimed to enjoy the Kiss song "Beth" although no one has ever heard it

• Buffalo Wild Wings is mostly Buffalo Domesticated Wings now

Some Hollywood Movies Based On Strip Mall Store Names in Irvington, NJ

Hollywood studios are running out of ideas. So what do they do? They turn everywhere for script inspiration. This time from the sign of a strip mall in Irvington, NJ. We will highlight their newest greenlit projects based on these store names.

But first, let's eliminate all the stores that are already titles of movies. Supremo...

Blink...

Snipes (starring Nelly?!)...

and Metro...

Okay, now here are the latest movies in development based on that big dumb sign:

"Maple Spring Commons" starring Alexis Bledel, Fergie, Janelle Monae and Clancy Brown

Maple Spring Commons is a cozy Northeastern town, but Betsy (Bledel) can't wait to get out to see the rest of the world. When her father (Brown) falls ill, she takes over the family store with her friends (Fergie and Monae) and fights to keep it afloat. Also starring Zach Braff as her eventual love interest.

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"Leading Pharmacy" starring Austin Butler, Olivia Holt and Zendaya

An unprincipled drug dealer (Butler) is blackmailed by two high school students (Holt and Zendaya) to provide their upcoming house party with drugs, but he has other, more nefarious plans. Also starring Dan Aykroyd as somebody's dad?

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"Hunan Royal" starring Simu Liu, Dylan Wang, Gemma Chan and James Hong

This magnificent period drama takes place during the Qin Dynasty (221–206 BCE) with lots of exquisite costumes and sets and traditional music. No idea what it's about though, although Hunan refers to food. Also starring Dan Aykroyd as somebody's dad?

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"ALL ABOUT WIG 2" starring Jo Koy, Leslie Jones, Rupaul and Abby Elliott

This out of control comedy pits wig store owner Kendra (Jones) against her estranged sister Devon (Rupaul) who is trying to steal her business by opening a competing wig store ACROSS THE STREET. Can you believe that shit? Music by Chilli and T-Boz.

UAG

Updated Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

The AMC Stubs Perk-Bus just keeps chugging along, picking up new members and taking them to new pastures of perks. Jesus, this setup paragraph is so stupid.

Here are the newest rewards that AMC Stubs members can enjoy:

• Free pube trim, primp and shampoo

• If you give us your cell number, we'll text you notices of whenever Sydney Sweeney releases another movie where she's topless

• We'll give you three softballs to throw for when Maria Menounos's Noovie bullshit comes on

• Exclusive first access to impractical, overpriced promotional popcorn buckets 

• Donkey ass (not a perk; just something I wanted to type)

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 3

Last week at WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestler Joey "Cheese" Arepas introduced his cousin Gustavo "Yellow Corn" Arepas during a match with The Crucible Crew. Both destroyed the crew within two minutes and claimed the Middleweight title.

At a press conference this morning, NASA announced that respected astrophysicist and engineer Doble Fibra will spearhead their new robotic lunar rover next year. Fibra did not take any questions but declared that "the new era of terrestrial exploration has begun."

Pop stars Lorde, Charlie XCX and Chappell Roan have announced a collab with newcomer Kale Detox. The super group will release an EP in November along with a tour of limited engagements. Detox has said she's "thrilled" to share the stage with such legends. Lana Del Rey has expressed interest in producing. 

San Diego police have finally captured Solo Basura, the suspect allegedly responsible for smuggling methamphetamine worth $450K that was found hidden in crates full of tomatillos. Lawyers for Basura have denied any involvement and reiterate his innocence.

Former "Baywatch" actor Chag Sameach was involved in a scuffle at an autograph signing convention when an overeager fan put him in a headlock during a selfie. Using his mixed martial arts training, Sameach body-slammed the fan and threw him off the second floor area into a fountain. The fan has yet to press charges.

Happy Friday!

Pictured below, Walmart's Orwellian signage celebrates American jobs at the SELF CHECKOUT.

 

JUST ANNOUNCED: The Newest Speakers Added to VidCon 2024!!!!!

The VidCon stage is set, and the influencers are coming to demand your attention and urging you to subscribe and smash that like button. The roster is already packed, but we have learned of these latest additions to VidCon:

• Makeup tutorial guru Landsye Borkgurffer will touch up her face live and complain about her step dad

• Mr. Beast will pay people cash to stop discussing all the allegations and drama

• Five Minute Crafts will use a glue gun to fortify the foundations of the convention building

• Olivia Wilde will make a brief appearance to promote her 2022 movie "Don't Worry Darling"

• An elderly man will unsuccessfully attempt to live stream with his phone, to the delight of everyone else

UAG

InfoWars's Newest Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and his merry band of idiots are continuing to cook up a new batch of batshit craziness for their gullible fans. Here are the latest untrue news stories to be aired soon:

• American Girl Doll Stores are secret North Korean operations using doll technology to spy on us.

• Whenever you make slime with your kids in your kitchen at home, Obama makes $40.

• Fentanyl is really angel blood that's so potent that we can't handle it.

• If you play "Cuff It" backwards, Beyonce recites the Lord's Prayer.

• Democrats are secretly running a national multi-level marketing scheme involving seed packets and Fortnite V-Bucks

"Efforts and Courage Are Not Enough Without Purpose and Pathmark."

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs If He's Looking Forward To the Upcoming Deadpool & Wolverine Movie

"Y... yes." *neck snaps*

UAG

The Newest Added Perks For AMC Stubs Members

Movie theatre juggernaut AMC has a rewards program called Stubs that many in the industry are calling "the best fucking goddamn rewards program ever". Here are the latest additions to the ever-growing loyalty program:

• Hot towels for everyone who says they're with you

• Unlimited use of the lemur costume

• Unlimited free nachos refill any time from 3:52pm to 3:53pm

• We'll cover for you if you cheat on your spouse here

• Special air conditioning vent directed toward your crotch

• Exclusive concession only for Stubs members: ONE GIANT RAISINET instead of a bunch of little ones

"Always Make a Total Effort, Even When The Pathmark Is Against You."

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Midsummer Collection

Lorenzo steps out in star jeans, tank top and gold chain murse to wow all the fellas at Lyrics.

Cory takes inspiration from a funnel cake wrapper in this delightful half-stripe/half flamingo ensemble from Kellerman's.

Aloha! Troy and Vic take New Jersey by storm in their anime-inspired outfits. Troy's matching green cargo pants and custom platforms by Hungover Creations. Vic's bell bottoms and tank from Brocade.

Bed Bath & Beyond is a clothing store for some people.

A bamboo floral print paired with leopard Zubas? Check yourself out at the self checkout!

Gallery Review of Two Unknown Paintings at the Jiffy Lube Waiting Area in Vauxhall, New Jersey

While awaiting the oil change for a Honda Odyssey minivan, I happened upon two companion works of art displayed above the empty "free coffee" area of the room. Now, initially it seems counterintuitive to display such pieces in a corner of the room, seeing how much white space there is under the TV, but upon closer inspection, it seems to be the most ideal place to feature these striking pieces.

"Untitled 1"

Nestled in the corner—almost flush in the crease—is the first untitled piece. Evoking the balance and organic geometry of Paul Klee or Rothko, this composition commands the limited space it inhabits with its grounded white, offset by the muted blues and black. The olive shape at the left almost is almost bestial, suggesting a bear on its hind legs.

"Untitled 2"

Playing with the same general whites and blues as its companion, this piece lands in a similar but ultimately different place: the sturdy whites still dominate the canvas but are sharper in their definition and at the same time are more translucent when overlapping the darker colors. The smudge of pink at the top center reminds us the same value was present but possibly ignored or overlooked in "Untitled 1". The blues and darker tones have become more dominant here, providing a solid foothold at the top and bottom to contain the white. It invokes a night sky that soothes and comforts... oh wait. They just said my car is ready. Gotta go!