Former First Lady Side Hustle

Michelle Obama, headphone model?

"Innovation Distinguishes Between a Leader and a Pathmark."

"The End of Labor Is To Gain Pathmark."

Today We Asked The Riders of the NJ Transit Customer Satisfaction Survey Where YOUR Lost Chapstick is

You lost your Chapstick. We asked them where they think it is.

Jesse: "Maybe in your car's cup holder? No wait, you take the train. Duh!

Jess: Have you checked your purse? Like all the side pockets, too?

Angie: I bet it's washing in the laundry as we speak.

Trina: You and I hooked up last night. I think it's inside me.

Don With The Thumbs: Oh, that was YOUR Chapstick, dude? Gross!

Simon Peter: Never mind that. Have you heard about NFTs and how its investment potential is blowing up? 

A Quick Review of "Calvin Pissing On Obama" Stickers

President Barack Obama, while serving two terms, has endured years of obstructionist politics, thinly-veiled racist questions about his citizenship and religion, and even the occasional dismissal of not being "black enough" by cable news pundits. What he doesn't realize, however, is that there is an entire cottage industry of Obama-hating in the form of cheap vinyl stickers you can buy and stick on the back of your racismobile. Here now is an objective rating of the "Calvin pissing on Obama" stickers for sale online:

Visual: Calvin pissing through the Obama logo.

Pros: Full 4-color printing

Cons: Relies on the outdated Obama campaign logo which is hardly seen anymore

Overall rating: 8 out of 10. Simple and iconic, but ultimately confusing (to the target audience).

Visual: Calvin pissing atop the Obama logo.

Pros: Full color Obama logo the main focus and direct the eye.

Cons: Still relies on the outdated Obama campaign logo. Actually a nice reproduction of it.

Overall rating: 6 out of 10. Bonus points for the nice custom die cutting.

Visual: Calvin pissing on the word "OBAMA"

Pros: Simple and to the point.

Cons: Kind of lazy, really. Calvin looks like he has cardinal eyes.

Overall rating: 4 out of 10. 

Visual: Female Calvin (??????) pissing on the word "OBAMA" with the "O" as his logo.

Pros: Ambitious and breaking out of the mold

Cons: NOT LADYLIKE AT ALL. And are her pans even pulled down? Disgusting.

Overall rating: 2 out of 10. I know these things aren't supposed to be in good taste in the first place, but JEEZ.

Visual: Another female Calvin pissing on the word "OBAMA"

Pros: She removed her panties this time.

Cons: The mullet. The heart ass tattoo. Also, not much of a tinkle there, really. And the word "OBAMA" somehow resembles the word "SPAM" if you're not looking close enough.

Overall rating: 2 out of 10. 

Visual: Generic "cool guy" pissing on the word "OBAMA"with the "O" as his logo.

Pros: Able to avoid copyright infringement.

Cons: I really lose the evil glee when there are sunglasses on. 

Overall rating: 5 out of 10. 

Visual: Happy coal miner pissing on the word "OBAMA" while holding a flag next to the words "SAVE COAL"

Pros: A clear, political message. A smoky miner's face with a lily white ass.

Cons: Both oversimplified and overcomplicated. While it is true the Obama administration pushed to create new "clean energy" jobs and technologies, making America more energy independent, and reducing carbon emissions through the Clean Energy and the Recovery Act, this only indirectly impacted the current coal industry.

Overall rating: 7 out of 10.  Boy, look at that healthy yellow stream!

Visual: Rude cowboy pissing on the word "OBAMA"with the "O" as his logo.

Pros: To the point.

Cons: Why the black nail polish? Is that cowboy a goth? 

Overall rating: 4 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin pissing on what appears to be Barack Obama's head

Pros: No text! Also, points for not getting to racial stereotype with Obama's features.

Cons: Beyond fucking awful. Bill Watterson would lose sleep over this one.

Overall rating: 1 out of 10. 

Visual: Stu pissing on the word "OBAMA"

Pros: Great for Millennials, who have never read Calvin and Hobbes!

Cons: Kind of off brand for some reason. Rednecks watch "Family Guy?"

Overall rating: 3 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin with a backwards cap pissing on the word "OBAMA"

Pros: A bro-ish update to a classic! 

Cons: Very poorly rendered. It looks like he's bleeding on the word.

Overall rating: 3 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin with a FORWARDS cap reading "LIBERTY" pissing on the word "OBAMA"

Pros: A point for liberty and against Obama, right? Is that what it's saying?

Cons: Very disrespectful to the Liberty Mutual Insurance Company.

Overall rating: 3 out of 10. That kid looking Asian doesn't clear up my confusion any.

One Man's Path Is Another Man's Mark.

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

BEWARE! A TRUE BEAST ISN'T AFRAID TO WEAR A PHILLY FLYERS HAT IN NYC

If it burns when you pee, visit your local clinic.

Toby hated it when his older brother Randall babysat.

No idea. Leave it as is. It's perfect.

Chief Keef and Gucci Mane continue to slay standards of what good hip hop is.

"Shit, I thought my keys were in my jeans, but maybe they're in the ashtray at home? In my desk drawer at work? Shit!"

Some people are too busy with their fabulous playa lives to put their phone down for a quick photo shoot. Jeez, even Oprah takes a break for a few snapshots, Le$.

Slipped Under My Front Door Recently: The Race Card

Some flyers by (State) Senatorial candidate Jerome Dunn pretty blatantly ask me to vote for him just because he's black. Which even more cynically assumes that's the reason I voted for Obama.


Comparing his shitty house with that of opponent Ray Lesniak's sprawling mansion isn't really a great strategy, either. I mean, will Jerome Dunn be available to vote on important issues if he's too busy shooing raccoons from his crawlspace?


And "lives like a Republican?!" You mean to tell me there are no rich Democrats?! You are so adorably naive, Jerome Dunn. Pinch your cheek.

Hey, I know. I'll vote for a box turtle for Senator. It'll be HISTORIC. THE FIRST BOX TURTLE AS STATE SENATOR.

Happy Presidents Day (3 Days Late) From EADJ!

I can't believe we forgot Presidents Day this year. It's been such a hallowed tradition. When is it, again?

Let's Use That Outdated Faux Finish Method To Paint the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, a pretty ubiquitous web banner that makes zero sense:

EADJ Presents: The Worst Obama Shirts EVAR

Over the past 20 months, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama has inspired a grassroots movement. This movement has inspired people to hand out flyers, campaign via telephone, and sometimes design some godawful t-shirts via CafePress. EADJ has found some of the worst-designed Obama shirts and would like to share them with you now. NOW, I said.


The "Spitting Image"
Believe it or not, that is actually an illustration of Obama, not a silkscreened photograph. I know, right?


The "Kremlin"
Some college student saw some Soviet propaganda posters and figured this would be good for a t-shirt. Obviously an art student and not a poli sci major. Idiot.


The "Tyler Durden"
Bo-rrowed int-rest, CLAP CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP.


The "Ninja Turtle"
Great for wearing to get that "what the fuck is that asshole wearing?" look from people. I really don't get it. What is the connection? They're both "heroic?" They both climbed out of meager beginnings? They both enjoy pizza and skateboarding? I've sat here a good fifteen minutes thinking about this one. Obama had a mentor named "Splinter?"


The SNL "Inside Reference"
Fucking hell. Let me organize my thoughts here. Number one, "more cowbell" is from a skit from April 2000, for crying out loud. So, the only people who somehow think that is still funny are two merchants at a marketplace in New Delhi. Secondly, implying that Obama needs something that goes on a cow is extremely racially insensitive. Kidding.


The "Barcode"
Another design that doesn't make much sense. Except maybe promoting Obama as a true agent of total generic sameness.


The "Top Gun"
This is spectacularly stupid. Hello? "Maverick?"


Barack of Ages
Hey, just because some fundamentalists are calling Obama the Antichrist doesn't mean you have to go the opposite end of the offensive spectrum. Get a hold of yourself, man. Jesus t-shirts are so never.


The "Kanji"
Get it? It says "change" in some exotic oriental lettering. Why? Because I'm from the 80's! I still wear my keyboard tie! Kyrie Eleison, down the road that I must travel!


The "Holy Fucking Shit Who Is That Z-List Celeb With Her Horribly Disfigured Dog?"
The heart near the crotch. The unforgivable use of the phrase "bad girls." The grunge type. The pink fur on the unwilling toy bichon frisé or whatever. The mothercocking HEADBAND. The whole thing is so piss-in-my-eye awful that it actually makes me want to vote for McCain. And rape myself.