What? MORE Movies Based On My Wife's Ringtones? Not Cool, Hollywood. Not Cool.

Explanatory sentence describing Hollywood and their lack of original scripts blah blah blah. 

"Silent"
starring Teller
No plot summary available.

"Birdsong By The Lake"
starring Zac Efron, Kristen Bell, Amanda Seyfried and One Direction's Harry Styles
This uplifting young adult drama captures an unforgettable summer by the lake, following the story of four friends who find love in the most unlikely of places, under a rotting canoe.

"Blowing Dandelion Seeds"
starring Peter Dinklage and Faith Ford
A corrupt senator (Dinklage) tries to hide his crimes by blackmailing the investigative reporter (Ford) on his trail. A web of intrigue and a clash of wills turn into a deadly battle involving a drug cartel, the Russian mafia, and hookers. Kat Williams plays the pimp "Dandelion Seeds."

"Bugs' Story"
This crappy low budget Pixar ripoff stars the voices of Woody Allen, Sharon Stone and Sylvester Stallone as... oh wait. They already made "Antz."

"Desert Sunrise"
Sigh. Once again Richard Linklater directs Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy as star-crossed lovers who make a strong connection and flirt for two hours. But this time it's in a desert. Soundtrack by Smashmouth and Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn.

"Drifting Downstream"
starring Richard Crenna, Roy Scheider, Rue McLanahan and Brittany Murphy
This charming, lighthearted comedy about suburban life is sure to delight all audiences, except for the fact that all the actors listed to star in it are dead.

"Eagle's Call"
starring Gerard Butler, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Ken Jeong
A CIA operative (Butler) joins forces with a Black Ops specialist (Johnson) to find a nuclear device stolen by an unnamed Supreme Leader of North Korea (Jeong). Also starring Sam Elliott as Captain Dash.

"Fairy Fountain"
featuring the voices of Amy Schumer, Howard Stern, Jim Norton, and Lisa Lampanelli.
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Some MORE Moves Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

Following Friday's entry, I thought Hollywood was done mining my wife's phone for new feature film ideas. I was wrong. My wife happened to scroll down and show more possible movie properties. Here are the latest treatments now being optioned at major studios:

"Fog On The Water"

starring Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba

The two Jessicas star in this throwback horror B-movie that's shot on more expensive film as two campers who inexplicably want to spend the night on a creepy, remote lake. Spoiler: no nips. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

"Gentle Spring Rain"

starring Tommy Lee Jones, Helen Mirren, and Judi Dench

Three stranded travelers cross paths and change each others' lives in this heartwarming story set in Heath Row Airport. A lot of the action takes place in a Sbarro for some reason. Maybe Tommy Lee like calzones...

"Heartbeat Of The Wild"

starring Eva Green and James McAvoy

This Nicholas Sparks-inspired love story depicts what happens when a sexy conservationist (Green) goes au naturel and shows a condo developer (McAvoy) her secret unpruned garden. NSFW

"High Tide"

starring Nicolas Cage, Ving Rhames and Bokeem Woodbine

A terrorist cell tries to take over a drilling rig in the remote Atlantic at the same time a typhoon strikes. It is up to three oil drillers to kick ass, take cover, and secure the well before the volcano erupts. Wait, there's a volcano, too? Damn. Directed by Michael Bay.

"The Journey Begins"

starring the voices of Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Steve Buscemi, Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, Jon Hamm, Will Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Cher, Chris O' Donnell, Alice Eve, Reese Witherspoon, Drake, Chris Hemsworth, Rick Rockwell, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love, Johnny Depp, Arman Hammer, Jennifer Lawrence, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Deniro and Dennis Haysbert.

Dreamworks releases their latest star-studded animation spectacular full of lovable animals, pop cultural references that only parents will get, and zero fucking story.

"Jungle Drums"

starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel

Two losers stumble their way into a native village that has somehow stayed untouched for centuries in the middle of Wisconsin. This madcap romp follows their misadventures trying to fit in and woo the pretty maidens, played by Amber Heard and Teresa Palmer. The "nipple piercing initiation rite" scene alone is worth the price of admission, isn't it? No?

"Jungle Trek"

starring Ving Rhames, Bokeem Woodbine and Nicolas Cage

Hollywood tries harder this time to cater to black audiences. This all-black version of Star Trek follows a black Enterprise ship as it seeks new black life, new black civilizations, and boldly go where no black man has gone before. Nicolas Cage plays Geordi.

"Midnight Picnic"

starring Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy, determined to enjoy a picnic in a public park at night, takes on a mean park ranger (played by Ty Burrell) and instead uncovers a burglary ring (led by Danny Trejo) in progress. Will she convince the park ranger of the burglars or can she stop them on her own? Rated NC-17 for foul, foul, foul language.

Upcoming Movies Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

In their constant search for original, unmined material to base terrible feature films on, a desperate Hollywood has previously turned to break room coffee flavors and seed names to get movie ideas. It was announced early today that Hollywood's biggest studios would be inspired by the new-agey titles of my wife's new Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) phone's ringtones.

"Mountain Temple"

starring Jim Caviezel, Jackie Chan and Judge Reinhold

Jim Caviezel stars as a lost tourist in the Himalayan Valley of Zanskar who meets a wise but mysterious guru (Chan) who teaches him how to kick and elbow punch his way into being more assertive at work. Judge Reinhold stars as the dickish boss who doesn't even see it coming.

"Nighttime Oasis"

starring Rachel Bilson and Chris Evans

This erotic NC-17 movie is a throwback to the sexy psychological thrillers of the 90's. That's all I know. Just hoping Bilson's nips get some screen time in this one. Directed by Adrian Lyne, of course.

"Over The Horizon"

starring Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh

This very British-feeling movie follows the events of a 17th Century Duke (Branagh) and the trouble he discovers when his gardener's wheelbarrow loses a handle. Will the flowers in the East Garden be pruned in time for that evening's Spring Ball, hosted by the Duchess Kivortny (Thomas)? No.

"Rain Drops"

starring Chris Brown

Not a full-length feature film as much as a feature-length music video. Chris Brown sings and dances his heart out in a spectacular choreographed live show entirely in the rain that's reminiscent of Woodstock, Singin' In The Rain, and Honey. Also, Chris Brown is unrepentant in the vicious beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, who he recently split up with because he was cheating on her with a waitress. Directed by Alan Smithee

"Rays Of The Sun"

starring Nicole Kidman, Tila Tequila and Dustin Diamond

This WWII coming of age epic stars Dustin Diamond who is harshly scolded by his mother (Kidman) for giving a Japanese woman (Tequila) at the Manzanar relocation camp a Dirty Sanchez.

"Sea Breeze"

starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

McConaughey and Hudson go at it again with their hit-making chemistry! This time, they're rival boat captains fighting over docking rights in the Virgin Islands. If you feel like you've seen this movie before, that's because most of the B-roll shots are from "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Sea Breeze!

"Seaside"

This is just a cut down edit of "Sea Breeze" for cross country flights. United Airlines only.

"The Secret Forest"

starring Thomas Horn, Elle Fanning and Chloë Grace Moretz

This CG animated romp in an enchanted glen in a forest features a lot of 3D special effects that depict wonder, amazement and lots of flying shit. I dunno, butterflies? Sure. Whatever. Plus some deer and an owl and some fucking fairies. Sure. All characters voiced by Burt Reynolds.

An Old Couple I Spotted Sleeping At A Sears In Jersey

Here's why it's totally cool:

• Sears put the comfy recliners there.

• All of the TVs were displaying a relaxing montage of nature with new age music

• They're old

• They're adorable

• They've been busy shopping at the Gap (and Sears, mind you, so they're paying customers)

• They kept their pants on

• Sears doesn't want to cause a PR stir by throwing out an Asian couple

• Sears won't hassle them on their way out the way Best Buy would

• It actually is a good ad for the chairs and TVs at Sears

• MSG makes you sleepy

• They probably did not leave that tissue in the brown chair

• The clerk probably spotted me and didn't want to throw out "my parents."

What The "Plus" Means In Many Instances

Ultra Plus

"Plus" = anything that regular Ultra doesn't offer, which is pretty ridiculous since "Ultra" should mean you get a lot already. Which means plain Ultra is just a fucking ripoff.

Ensure Plus

"Plus" = pink diarrhea!

Boost Plus

"Plus" =  also pink diarrhea!

Fiber Plus

"Plus" = a yard-long turd

Backup Plus

"Plus" = why are all these about poop?

Officejet Pro 8600 Plus

"Plus" = four color cartridges that run out of ink after printing one resume.

Discount Food Store Plus

"Plus" = an impressive entire aisle devoted to do-rags.

K&S Curtains Plus

"Plus" = The drapes. Which should match the curtains. Wink wink.

Frontline Plus for dogs

"Plus" = an irrational fear that you're going to drive them to "the farm."

Star Alliance Business Class Elite Plus

"Plus" = You get to board 3 minutes before the other schlubs.

Das Gesunde Plus

"Plus" = "scabies," but in German.

Skim Plus

"Plus" = fat. Which means Skim Plus is just regular milk.

Playmobil Special Plus

"Plus" =  The lingering uncertainty that your child might be choking on a plastic flamingo.

Cal Stat Plus

"Plus" = Raccoon rabies. Which is different from scabies in that it doesn't affect your skin as much as it makes you go completely batshit insane and rummage through your neighbors' trash cans looking for a fish bone.

WeTransfer Plus

"Plus" = $5 to keep us from sharing your personal information to a marketing group in Saudi Arabia.

The ProofrEADJer, Ugly American Edition

And then I traveled to Prague in the Czech Republic, which is a bit unfair because English ain't their primary language. Still, whee!!!!

The Generational Divide, Illustrated

I spotted this gem of an advert at a Nathan's:

If you are 25 and younger, this is why the ad is mildly humorous:

And if you are 25 and older, this is why the ad is hilarious: