It's The Alex Jones Dumbshit Conspiracy Preview Extravaganza!

InfoWars continues its war on info as Alex Jones's staff of writers create brand new unverifiable conspiracies for him to hoarsely vomit on air. Here now are stories you can expect to see in the coming month:

• Auntie Anne is a lesbian and makes pretzels because it arouses her to twist things into knots, wink wink

• Spirit Airlines charges an extra "saved soul tax" if you're a Christian

• It must really be a bummer to be in the team that forms Voltron but only be like the left leg. How boring would that be? (not really a conspiracy, but something to think about)

• If you bowl a perfect 300 at your local bowling alley, the manager is required to send your name to the FBI to flag as a possible "bowling insurgent"

• Men who wear muttonchops are part of a secret society that drink from steins and ride recumbent bicycles. The group is called "The Embarrassing Uncles".

• If you ever find a woman's G-spot, she is required to send your name to the FBI as a possible "Female Body Inspector"

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: My Boys Are Good Boys

My Boys Are Good Boys tells the tale of a group of teenage delinquents who sneak out of prison to pull off an armored car heist. The movie explores universal themes like relationships and spraying cops with homemade sedative devices that dispense stolen medical anesthesia. The kids eventually don't get away with the crime, so it's a cautionary tale about civic responsibility and the fleeting nature of friendship. If they had gotten away with it, it would have been a high-spirited romp about teamwork and the eternal bonds of friendship.











The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Mrs. Morton: Did you hear what Priscilla said? She's getting straight A's in chemistry.

Bert Morton: mumble

Mrs. Morton: Is that all you have to say?

Bert Morton: Very nice, Priscilla.

Cassie: Thank you, Mr. Morton.

Mrs. Morton: Bert, you make me so angry. You don't care about anybody but yourself.

Bert Morton: I said very nice. Enough.

Mrs. Morton: It's a whole lot better than that son of yours ever did.

Bert Morton: Tommy is your son too, Bess. If you spent at least the amount of time as you did with her, he'd be okay.

Cassie: Excuse me, but I'll jump out here. I have to meet my mother at the shopping center.

Mrs. Morton: Goodbye darling.











The girl playing Cassie pours all of her acting training behind the simple line "Hurry, someone's coming" in a way so memorable as to earn her:


Click on the video to play:


(For the number one Greatest Performance of All Time, click here)

























The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:


Open on Mrs. Morton in the bedroom reading.

Bert Morton enters the room, looking crestfallen. He holds a bottle of beer in his hand. Mrs. Morton looks up from her book.



Mrs. Morton: Well, you finally did it, you idiot. You're spread all over the front page!






Bert Morton: (tiredly) I have taken all I can take for one day. (takes swig of beer)





Mrs. Morton: You've had all you can take.

She stands up.

Mrs. Morton: Why can't you think of me sometimes? The phone's been ringing off the hook!
Bert finally makes eye contact with her.

Bert Morton: Stop it, Bess.







Mrs. Morton: Don't you dare interrupt me when I'm speaking! I've given you the very best years of my life, and I won't be treated this way!





Bert Morton: Can it!








Mrs. Morton: What did you say?!








Bert slams his beer down on a table.

Bert Morton: Can it! CAN IT! CAAAAN IT!



Exeunt