Here's A Brief List of Things You Can Be Expected To Applaud For At Any Comedy Club

• the incredible and hardworking waitstaff

• how nice the venue looks

• the presenter

• "The Ladies"

• the fact that you're "having a good time"

• that it's the comedian's birthday

• that the comedian has a new baby

• any mention of New York

• any mention of the West Coast

• being single

• being married

• the mention of beer

• the mention of pot

• how handsome Ryan Gosling is

• how strong your drinks are

• Columbus Day

• the enduring popularity of McDonald's food

• how fucking feels good

• our men and women in uniform

• how cool dogs are

• liking big butts

• the Golden Corral

• reversible windows

• the death of "Clippy"

• cosplay

• roma tomatoes

• the end of slavery

• fart spray

• Ron Perlman

• cloth napkins kicking ass

• keg stands

• drinking from a beer boot

• oscilloscopes

• the concept of humility

• Cameron Diaz' film career

• female directors

• USB hubs

• the apostle Peter

• Overstock.com

• fleshlights

• parting your hair on the right

UAG

TASK CHAIR IS HERE TO CLEAN HOUSE

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. TASK CHAIR IS BACK TO SET YOUR PUSSY SPINELESS ASS BACK ON TRACK.

NO, NOT LATER. WE'RE DOING THIS SHIT NOW. TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR ZIMA AND PUT YOUR DIAPHRAGM BACK IN. GET SHIT DONE NOW, DAMMIT.

DON'T THINK YOU GOT IT IN YOU? WHAT THE FUCK DOES TASK CHAIR CARE WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF? YOU'RE SIMPLY A MEANS BY WHICH TASK CHAIR GETS TASKS ACCOMPLISHED. CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MATTER? CHEESE.

FUCK YOUR DADDY. TASK CHAIR IS MAKIN' SHIT HAPPEN, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT SONG BY U2, ALTHOUGH TASK CHAIR ENJOYS PARTS OF THAT SONG.

Yet Even More Taglines For That Avalanche Shark Movie You'll Never See

We're nothing if not thorough.

Photos Of Children Playing Toy Instruments Paired With Quotes About The Blues

UAG

Duck, Duck, Duck, Pathmark.