Which Can, Erickson? (Special Marvel's Avengers Edition)

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Who is pooping at The Driskill Hotel in Austin, TX?

Who is pooping at the Philadelphia Airport (this is an easy guess)?

Who is pooping at the Old Courthouse in St. Louis?

Who is pooping at DBGB in New York?

Who is pooping at Son Of A Gun in L.A.?

Who is pooping at the Martini Ranch in Chicago (another easy guess- martinis)?

Answers assemble, tomorrow!

UAG

"Yay!"

Hey, you little kids. You wanna have some real fun and learn something about science at the same time? No? Well, listen to this pitch anyway, you little shits.

Thanks to Creative Kids Inc., now can have your own AMAZING VOLCANO in your room or garage or basement. Now you can "erupt" your own "volcano."

See the amazing "eruptions" of "molten lava" shoot out of your "amazing" volcano with the help of a hand pump, but remember to put on your cheap pair of eye protection, because that "lava" will scald your eyeballs blind. "Seriously."

"Amaze" your "friends" with this impressive "science experiment," which you can totally submit as a project at the next school science fair and get a "D" for.

Then later, you can "wonder" why your parents hate you so much that they buy you useless, nonscientific "crap" like AMAZING VOLCANO from the Discovery Store. Maybe so they don't have to spend any "time" with you. They hate you, you know.

Blackberry Face VII

Sometimes an art collection outgrows a gallery and must be moved to a facility that can handle its space requirements. The recent acquisition of "Debargo," the seventh addition to the renowned "The Blackberry Face" series has made it necessary to find a new gallery to house the master works.

"Debargo" is a beautiful new piece, captured in Midtown New York and donated to the EADJ Gallery by James and Hillary Fallopian of the Fallopian Foundation. This seventh piece has made it necessary to find a new home for the collection when the curator found that the East Gallery could barely display the previous six pieces without causing a fire hazard.

"Debargo" depicts a middle aged man of unknown ethnic origin enjoying some "choons" on his phone or mp3 player. The rapturous expression on his face suggest freedom and escape to counteract the emotional ballast that is his sturgeon mouth.

Before this seventh piece, the collection resembled the compartmentalized photos of Dawoud Bey's Candida and Her Mother, Celia, II displayed at The Art Institute of Chicago. So "Debargo" has created new artistic interpretations of the overall collection as well as new challenges to its storage and display.

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The resulting new septaptych is breathtaking in its scope and scale. Gone is the stability and security of an even number as the juxtaposition of man and handheld machine is thrown into beautiful, asymmetric chaos.

Top row, from left: "Maggie," "Frank," "Edvard," "Debargo"
Bottom row, from left: "Tony," "Sam," "Doug"

The Blackberry Collection will be displayed in the Founder's and Parlor Gallery at the Woodmere Art Museum in Philadelphia, starting June 9. Admission will be $10 adults; $7 seniors; FREE for members, children, and students with current ID. No flash photography or pets.

:C

An Imagined Conversation

"Oh, Casey, it is sooo hot at this construction site!"

"I know, right, Kassy? We're just two hot, sweaty construction workers! Why don't you take off your shirt?"

"Mmmmm! Feels so good on my chest!"

"Yeahhh. Look how the sweat is just beading off your breasts. Mmmm. Now help me hang this dry wall over here."

"Sure. We can hang it, sexylike."

"(purrs) Get that side while I pick up this end!"

"'End!' I see what you did there, bad girl!"

"Yeah! No hold it there by that stud while I get this naughty, naughty nail gun to nail it good."

"You are soooo bad!'

"Aren't I? I just..."

(accidentally pulls nail gun trigger)

"AHHHHH! MY EYE!"

"Omigod! What happened?!"

"YOU JUST SHOT A NAIL INTO MY EYE, YOU BITCH!"

"Wait a minute. Why weren't you wearing eye protection?"

"FUCK YOU, BITCH! I CAN'T SEE! AAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! IT HURTS!"

"You know, eye protection is standard at all construction sites. There's no need to get snippy with me all of a sudden."

"SNIPPY MY EYE, YOU FUCK!!! MY GOD, THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!! HELP ME!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wait, are you not wearing your work gloves either? Are you even union?"

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

Nobody Better Lay A Finger On My Lobsterfest®

Editor's Note: EADJ has been posting the latest and greatest Lobsterfest® offerings for years now, and only fairly recently has it become mandatory for the writer of these entries to be inebriated.

So last Saturday, Andrew got drunk and wrote this latest entry. No typos have been corrected, although we have added a "®" to every mention of Lobsterfest®.

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its relentless siege on the fools who resist attending its succulent suckfest. Here now are the latest developments in lobster-delivered-all-up-in-your-face technology:

• You bring a lobster into the shower. You shower on it, seeing just what disparate drips of water drip down beneath your nether regions. Whichever drips happen to hit the lobster, you must take bites of said lobster immediately. Taste the sensation! And that's just a Russian-roulette-esque way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Find a Tony Roma's ”A Place for Ribs" near your chosen residence or place of business. Eat ribs copiously, showing your teeth and letting your food pieces gleam with importance. Contemplate how this activity still does not compare in any way ro LOBSTERFEST®. From there, head to lobsterfest® and just eat your fucking face off.

• A man and a woman walk through a hybrid Target/Subway/Pier One Imported Goods parking lot. A group of dancing lobsters, which includes a woman who matriculated at Harvard, an ex-rockette, and someone who used to date Tim Teufel, appear and gather in a way that makes you appreciate how much you tip a belly dancer. Everyone's here! Hope you've enjoyed another way to enjoy LOBSTERFEST® AT RED LOBSTER.

• Redman and Method Man show up and debate amongst themselves just how many cheese muffins they can steal. U-God shows up. He stuffs his face and starts speaking in crumbs (spitting crumbs everywhere, hitting everyone in sight). While making the call without any regard, Martin Scorsese just goes up and says yes, then drives away in his fully-loaded Lexus. Hello! And goodnight, lobster fans. Stay here and stay for the tastings.