UAG

Some Episode Summaries For TV Shows I Don't Watch

The following are completely fabricated episode descriptions based on 100% guesstimation and the magic of the imagination:

2 Broke Girls

Season 3 Episode 4

"Guano"

Because of a shipping error, a kilogram of bat guano arrives at the diner instead of pancake mix. Kelly and Josie are given 2 hours by their boss to get rid the huge bag of guano. But how???!!

The Big Bang Theory

Season 6 Episode 12

"Redshirts"

Sheldon joins a trivia competition only to discover it's a sports trivia challenge. Mookie and Wilbur do their best to find enough money for some rare Spider-Man bookends. Sexy Marsha tries to get one of the boys to go lingerie shopping with her without them blowing a load in their corduroys.

Game of Thrones

Season 4 Episode 2

"Die Hachveit"

Westernos is confronted by Duke Illich and his horde of cavedwelling man-apes. Kurr claims victory by slaying the House of Dryllys, but not before betraying Cullwhën by proposing to her sister, the next in line for the whatever whatever read the diagram.

Homeland

Season 4 Episode 16

"Not Nearly Enough"

Tamara (Claire Danes) suspects that her husband Elliot knows that she suspects that he's not entirely truthful about going to the convenience store to "just get eggs," when she discovers they ALREADY HAVE EGGS IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Person of Interest

Season 3 Episode 20

"1.56.322.6222.9.00"

Branford (James Caviezel) is given the key to a suspected terrorist's lovely brownstone building. Agent Wycke (Michael Emerson) pretends to want to talk him out of the mission but is secretly sent him to do his bidding. Senator Ellison (Taraji Henson) steps in to abort the mission, but is she too late?

Blacklist

Season 45 Episode 38

"Switcherooni"

The convicted felon genius Hargrove (James Spader) reveals he still wets the bed, which causes Detective Megan Boone (Megan Boone) to wonder if rumors that he is a federal agent in disguise are true... Meanwhile Duckie attempts to ask Andie to the prom since Blane hadn't asked her yet. Do you get the reference.

I don't know about you, but that bat guano episode looked pretty good.

E-Cigarettes And The Levels Of Douchebagginess That Comes With Their Use

So you've switched from cigarettes to e-cigarettes. Great. But hold on there, buster. That doesn't necessarily make you a Renaissance man or even someone slightly more urbane. That makes you a douchebag. Here now is a guide to show you how much of a d-bag you are with your e-cigs (rated on scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being most douchey):

Arguing with a waitress that it's not a real cigarette and that you're entitled to smoke it at the diner: 8

Tapping the ash off of it "out of habit:" 7

Making some lame joke about fellating C-3PO: 4

Claiming this is your way of quitting: 3

Referring to them as "vapes:"   10

Shitting on traditional cigarette smokers for how backwards they all are: 6

Doing some prop comedy with a lighter: 3

Pulling an e-cig after sex to show how "with it" you are: 90

Waiting desperately for a cop to stop them and ask what that is they're smoking: 5

Liking and joining a "Vapes" Facebook Group:" 4

Whipping out a vape at the MMA tournament: 1000

Working and tilling the earth with nothing but the breeze to your back and a vape in your mouth: 1

Six Lies Told By The Kansas City Zoo Brochure

1) Not all white monkeys at the zoo take care of little black monkeys. That would be fucked up.

2) Not always a NEW adventure. If you're been to the zoo in the past three weeks, it's the same damn adventure. The question is, why are you coming back to the zoo so soon after visiting the first time?

3) "The belly flops and underwater flips entertain all ages." That's a lie. Any kid between 14-19 would rather crush candy or flip Angry Birds or whatever the fuck.

4) The ski-lift thingie isn't NEARLY as fun as these two enthusiastic people will have you believe. 

5) Not closed only on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. They're also closed on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Holy Shit A Lion Has Escaped And Has Mauled 14 People Day

6) Dick Cheney not always there.

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EADJ Surprising Hostility: Santander Bank

A new corporate bank has taken root in different parts of New York City, and it's a great time for EADJ to hate them off the bat. Santander Bank. Fuck them. Why?

Because nothing instills confidence like a cheap vinyl banner stuck over the previous bank's name. Really tells people you're in it for the long haul. Better deposit my life savings with the bank that's living out of a suitcase in case the Feds come.

The logo either looks like a plate on fire or a baby chick doing the "Thriller" dance (turn it on its side). Plus it's red and white with the word "Santa" on it. Nice borrowed interest, assholes (yes, that is a bank pun). 

So go fuck your tellers' mothers, Santander Bank. Maybe one day you too will go under and will end up as umbrella signage on a fruit cart out front. FUCK YOU

The ProofrEADJer, March Partly-Video Game Edition

The next three from a mobile game called "Beyond The Dead:"

From an in-game sign in Portal 2:

How Miracle Whip Rebooted Its Image

If you watch soap operas, you may have noticed that Miracle Whip has redone their image to appeal to a younger audience by shortening their name to "MW" and boldly proclaiming that they're "not for everyone."

How did such a classic, fuddy-duddy brand drastically reimagine their own image and not sound like they're trying way too hard to be hip when they're obviously not? With a little help from their marketing department, of course. To get a little insight into the process, we obtained from the Miracle Whip ad agency Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella some internal marketing materials that they used for the rebranding. Here is what is known as a "mood board," outlining in clipped out photos what the old Miracle Whip brand represented in consumers' minds, and what the new MW brand could represent moving forward.

Click to enlarge:

Stay tuned for more enlightening mood boards that we get from Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella that we'll fish from their dumpster out back.