Two Fashion Write-Ups In A Week?! You're Too Generous, EADJ.

"Who am I? I'm Batman's cousin Stephanie. I live in Hartford, Connecticut."

Yeah, that's right. I'm taking a photo of your big ass at Ihop. Your big ass overflowing them big jeans like whipped cream over an overfilled mocha shake. That's right. What are you gonna do? Click.

"Captain's log. Stardate 310624.3248140559. As I was examining the integrity of the scaffold-like structures of 43rd Street in Manhattan, I could sense someone following me with a cell phone camera, ready to snap a photo and criticize my Next Generation-like ensemble. I'll bide my time and hit him with a rock around the next corner, like I did the Gorn..."

Commuter math:

Unprepared + downpour + supporting local business + ingenuity = shopping bag hat.

Shopping bag hat, y'all.

Inspiration can come from anywhere. So when designing a layout, it's okay to get as reference whatever is stuck in the bun of your hair.

An Imagined Conversation

Hey Maxie, put Bobby on. It's Todd. No, I can't wait. Put him on now.

(waits)

Bobby. Hey Bobby. It's Todd. You didn't unlock the freight entrance. No, you said you'd unlock it as soon as you were in, and I'm outside standing with a loop of tube like an asshole...No, I don't care what happened. Come around back and unlock the door so I can get in...What? A loop of tube. It's the tube for the ventilation install but rolled up in a loop. A LOOP of tube... No, come out now. I don't care if something came up... The what? Yeah, I don't care about that. We can take care of both of those later. I'm standing outside with this loop of tube looking like an asshole, so hurry up and come arou... Hah? What the heck does that mean? Look, I know we got a lot of job orders before Friday, and we got a whole list right after we install the... just come around and unlock the friggin' door, will ya, Bobby? Come on.

No, I ain't yellin' at you 'cause I'm mad at you. I'm yellin' because...

A LOOP of tube. It's a length of tube, like 50 feet, rolled in a loop. Wh.. why can't you hear me? Do you want to use the walkies? I'm like, thirty feet away from you, Bobby. A LOOP. Of TUBE.

What do you mean nobody says that? It's ventilation tubing, five inch, corrugated black plastic. And it's in a loop. I'm standing out here like an asshole holding a giant loop. Or hoop. Hoop sounds weird.

Are you gonna open the door, Bobby? I got some guy here now taking a photo of me with his cell phone, and I don't wanna end up on his blog like an asshole, standing here with a giant loop of tube.

Come on, Bobby, you're killing me.

EADJ Semi-regular Fashion Write-Up

I'm sure the greatest challenge is some social circles is to find the ugliest coat on the discount fur rack and just work it like it's never been worked before.

Gerbil fur with pin stripes? FUCK IT. Put on some multi-buckle knee-high boots and a leather messenger bag and just MAKE THAT FUCKIN' THING WORK, GODDAMMIT.

"Excuse me, my good fellow! Please pardon the intrusion, but I seem to be turned around here! If you could be so good as to direct me to the Montclair-Boonton train, which from my understanding is scheduled to depart this very station at precisely 4:12 pm– oh, excuse me madam- and whose boarding should have been announced a good 3 minutes ago according to my pocketwatch... You see, I am running late for an old fashioned fishmongers convention, yes, I sell haddock in Cheshire back in 1920's England. Oh. I see you are holding a coffee cup full of your own urine. I shall bid my leave now. A good morrow to you, stranger!"

Spotted in New York. Obviously.

When Mom told you to dress in layers, she didn't mean a hoodie under a tank top over a t-shirt over leggings with a scarf and fanny pack and a what the fuck is going on here. Who told this lady to wear an entire yard sale? No, wait. Does that tank top have a hood? And if this clarifies anything for you, yes, I did hear her speak in an English accent.

Just so you know, there's nude leggings, and then there's really nude leggings. And I am not kidding you– I spotted Slim Goodbody here in front of the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Hey dude, you probably think you look like Kris Kristofferson in "Blade," but the truth is you look like Wilford Brimley at a leather bar. Or maybe he's a swashbuckling rogue with the umbrella? Pain.

Spotted at the Jersey Shore- one of the biggest and grodiest fucking white woman dreadlocks I have ever witnessed up close. I'm pretty sure raccoons would skitter away from how unsanitary that thing is.

And if you look closely at this photo, you can also catch some sandals and socks action as well as a really huge ass in the background. Bonus!

Without A Trace

Last Wednesday, I walked by that pay phone where I originally found that excellent huge dick collage/painting, and bizarrely, it wasn't there no more:

This was last Wednesday, the same day that President Barack Obama said he supported gay marriage. COINCIDENCE?

I still have that bad boy at work, by the way. Good thing I rescued it.

T-Mobile Girl's New Image

Those of you who forgot to fast forward through commercials might have noticed that the bubbly, fresh-faced spokesgirl for T-Mobile has a new, overhauled, badass motorcyclist image.

 

EADJ has spoken to T-Mobile insiders about her image shift and got the following info about it:

• She just broke up with her longtime European model boyfriend Diego and reportedly wants to "rub the coochie on some strange."

• Although she's been trying her darnedest, she cannot be a bigger bitch than Danica Patrick.

• She got a tattoo that reads "Slide to unlock" along her belly.

• Due to the all-leather outfit, whenever she tries to sneak into a theatre for a free movie, she gets caught by the ticket taker.

• She now tags shit.

• She has taken self-defense classes and will elbow the fuck out of your eye socket if you resist trying the new HTC® Amaze™ 4G smartphone with an 8 Megapixel Camera and Microsoft^® Exchange integration!

• Her farts now exit out her pleather neckhole.

• Decades from now, people will discover she was a Prototype Series 1000 "liquid metal" Terminator sent by Skynet from the future to terminate John Connor's younger self. She did not succeed.

• Unwanted advances from skeezy old biker dudes have quintupled.

No Plagues Necessary

The manager of a deli in Penn Station proves to be more compromising than the Egyptian Pharaoh, letting the Jews leave after only 20 minutes.

"Let my people g... Oh, you need this table? Okay."

Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson? Marvel's Avengers Edition

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