UAG

Yikes, UAG. Racist much?

The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

Dear YouTube Algorithm,

 Dude, I thought you knew me? You got me wroooooooooooooong.

"It Has Become Appallingly Obvious That Our Technology Has Exceeded Our Pathmark."

Fringe Backdrop

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Every other month, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• The Already Married Bachelor

• Tyler Perry's House of Pancakes

• Law & Order: Junior Chef Edition

• The Conners Who Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Roseanne Anymore

• Design On A Dimebag

And here are all the shows and movies that will be removed from Hulu this month:

• Whose Line of Coke Is It Anyway?

• The View: WWE Smackdown

• Stephen A. Smith Argues With Little League Coaches

• Jack Reacharounder

• Joe Rogan's Tragically Unfunny Parade of Conservative Comedy Podcaster Bros

Here Are Your Job Numbers For April 10, 2025

From: accounting@company.net

Sent: April 10, 2025

To: ALL_Company

Subject: Updated job numbers for timesheets

Hello team!

Since our billing system went tits up last week, we've had to rebuild the job folders and have applied new job numbers to both tasks you have going and new ones for this week. Regardless of status, please use these new job numbers moving forward:

_______________

29771: Bitching about hybrid working

92104: Finding all your meeting invites in the SPAM folder

01186: Checking your balls for lumps in a meeting

64662: Checking your co-worker's breasts for lumps in a meeting

44057: Collating your elaborate Bachelorette Party invites that you printed on the company printer

34031: Gagging after smelling your own feet

62376: Surrendering to the bacchanal that is the Zoom call Happy Hour