The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

An Imagined Conversation

Oh, why do I gotta be "DELIVERY?" Is it because I'm black? Because I'm some kind of gofer making deliveries for my white boss? Like I'm your fuckin' errand boy? Shiit.

Or is it because I'm like some dealer delivering drugs? Is that it? Just because I had a song called "I'm Your Pusher," now I'm automatically a drug dealer in real life? Now, if you'd actually listened to the lyrics, you'd see that I was saying I'm a pusher of DOPE RHYMES and RECORDS, not actual dope, fool:

I'm sellin' dope in each and every record store
I'm the kingpin when the wax spins
Crack or smack will take you to a sure end

Sure, it's a clumsy analogy, but so was "Lethal Weapon," where I said "my lethal weapon's my mind" and told you to go to the library to "get some more ammo."

But whatever. Back to the task at hand: I ain't your errand boy. And I ain't no drug delivery, either. I play a cop, even though I sang "Cop Killer" with that terrible rock band I had. See, you can separate my acting art from my music, see?

Body Count. That's it. That was the name of that band. Jesus.

UAG