Let's Scoop The Innards Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall:

New pret a manger (shudder) opened in the merchandise mart today.

Giving away free food. Shuddering Madness!

Robert Ludlum Is Running Out Of Nouns

 

 Author Robert Ludlum has run into an enviable crisis: his Jason Bourne books (and movies) have gotten so popular that he has run out of nouns for book titles. After "Identity," "Supremacy," "Deception," "Sanction," "Ultimatum," and "Legacy," his noun well has run dry, and this could affect his 58 future releases.

 

Here now are the remaining possible titles that Ludlum has left to release:

The Bourne Inconvenience

The Bourne Umbrage

The Bourne Strategy

The Bourne Stratego

The Bourne Hasselhoff

The Bourne Syllabus

The Bourne Cypher

The Bourne Target Market

The Bourne Hasenpfeffer

The Bourne Baby Björn

The Bourne Shiwala

The Bourne Betrayall (different from "Betrayal" in that it has two l's)

The Bourne Noun

The Bourne Jeggings

The Bourne Status

The Bourne Thingy

The Bourne Crinoline

The Bourne Demitasse

The McBourne

The Bourne Hub (not to be confused with PornHub)

The Bourne Enruobeht (palindrome!)

The Bourne Candy Crush Saga

The Bourne Canker

The Bourne Summersquash

The Bourne Twihard

The Bourne Disestablishmentarianism

UAG, or "Sometimes, You Just Don't Have Time For A Quality Blog Entry"

Another Dose Of Hip Hop Awfulness

If there's one thing the local carpet dealership doesn't like, it's someone parking in their loading zone.

Two things: body sushi is typically served with the naked woman facing up, and DO NOT EAT THAT CALIFORNIA ROLL.

In their animated Christmas Special, Lil Wayne and Rick Ross take a sad little pot plant and nourish it with love so that it's a big purple monstrosity with blunt Yule logs.

No change needed. Action Bronson, y'all. And believe it or not, the drawing actually makes him look thinner.

I'm guessing OverDoz isn't going for hardcore here, because nothing is less hardcore than destroying the break room birthday party that was prepared for Kathy in Accounting.

I'm going to call her Crazy Butt. She said I could.

Meanwhile, At The Emirates Airlines Australian Open,

Two unfortunate flight attendants are forced to stand and smile in front of an ad banner as decoration, a mere feet away from deadly swinging golf clubs.

Alice Gainer Searches For The Clown Who Murdered Her Father

It is late in the city. Okay, 6:03 pm isn't that late. But it's dark in the city. And Alice Gainer continues to drive the darkened streets of all five boroughs to track down Huckleberry, the madman clown who savagely bludgeoned her father with a rubber chicken so many years ago.

The wounds have not healed with time. Alice Gainer can still smell the greasepaint; she can still hear the jolly chuckles from Huckleberry's grin as he endlessly beat her father with that rubber chicken.

Her father could have just either said stop or stepped to one side, she thought, but that wasn't like her father. He took his licks like a man.

Alice Gainer will not stop until justice is served. Until Huckleberry is behind bars and paying dearly for what he did, she will continue combing the streets and shaking down informants to find that elusive clown.

Our Father, Who Art In Pathmark