This Week's New Releases On The Documentary Channel

Watching a documentary is like reading a crappy nonfiction book– it's not always correct, but it sure makes you feel smarter. Here are the latest documentaries streaming now:

• Why Running Scared– the 1986 Movie starring Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as Cops– Never Had a Sequel

• Peachfuckers: People Who Have Sex With Peaches

• In-N-Out Burger Late Night Adventures

• Cannon Cleaners: The Unsung Heroes of the Crimean War

• How Cut & Paste Revolutionized Computing (and How Cut & Paste Revolutionized Computing)

• How Bill Cosby Spends His Time Now (NSFW)

•  The War on Festivus

• Rude Kermit: How You Can Tell When Jim Henson Was Giving Someone the Finger

• Red Lobster's Corporate Structure: Why Zero Lobsters Are C-Level Executives

InfoWar Conspiracy Stories: CORRECTIONS

We're going to do something a little different this time. Alex Jones and his harmful band of writers have floated plenty of conspiracy theories over the years. Here now are some past stories they ran and what was discovered after the fact checkers scrutinized them:

• Mandals were not created by Italian leather manufacturers to de-masculinize American men. We talked to two of them and they just laughed at us.

• The pizza place whose basement was supposed to be the headquarters of a child sex ring run by Hillary Clinton was in fact a TACO place.

• That sign on the break room vending machine that says "OUT OF ORDER" wasn't, in fact, lying.

• The Philadelphia-based snack company Tastykake Baking Company is NOT run by a bunch of cricket people hell bent on destroying the country by making everyone lazy and content with their irresistible Butterscotch Krimpets.

 • A$AP Rocky, A$AP Ferg, A$AP Nast and A$AP Josh were already named that before meeting each other. It was all a giant coincidence.

• Alex Jones's farts do NOT smell like chalk. That white residue is there, but it does not have an odor.

Now Let's Say Goodbye To All The Crap That Advertisers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Pronounce The Last Name "Ngyuen"

Outside of Vietnam, the surname is commonly rendered without diacritics as Nguyen. Vietnamese pronunciation is northern [ŋʷǐˀən] and southern [ŋʷĩəŋ] ; in English it is commonly /ˈwɪn/ "win"."

And speaking of "win", a few years ago, I had a lottery winner hire me to drive them around in a limo for a MONTH. Now that was some easy money, boy. Stay safe, kids!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Prepare For A Phone Interview

1) Keep your resume in clear view, on the top of your desk, or tape it to the wall near the phone, so it's at your fingertips when you need to answer questions.

2) Have a short list of your accomplishments available to review.

3) Have a pen and paper handy for note taking.

4) Turn call-waiting off, so your call isn't interrupted.

5) If the time isn't convenient, ask if you could talk at another time and suggest some alternatives.

6) Clear the room — evict the kids and the pets. Turn off the stereo and the TV. Close the door.

7) If you have a landline, use that instead of your cell phone. That way, you'll eliminate the possibility of poor reception or dropped calls.

And speaking of "dropped," if I'm pulling my limo up to your destination (say, a casino) to drop you off, please don't act like a hot shot and try to roll out before I've come to a complete stop- it's extremely dangerous and you'll usually tumble out like a jackass in front of everyone there. Be safe, kids.

What The "Plus" Means Whenever You See It

 

Unleaded Plus

"Plus" =  about .20 more just to feel like you're not poor

  

Batteries Plus

"Plus" = battery carriers? battery cases?

The real question is how the hell is this place still in business? Does anyone ever go to a store only for batteries? You can buy those shits at any convenience store, gas station, drug store... shit, I've got some batteries in my pocket right now. How many do you want?

 

Self Storage Plus

"Plus" = discreetly looking the other way when you haul in a bloody rolled up rug into your storage unit at 4:30 in the morning

 

A Plus

"Plus" = a shitter that doesn't flush with no toilet paper, so you're forced to wipe your ass with those blue paper towels you're supposed to use for windshields

 

Ice Crystals Plus

"Plus" = unmeltable pellets that stay in your driveway cracks until the end of time 

 

Spectrum Plus

"Plus" =   surprisingly, guacamole. Yum!