The EADJ Crappinema Proudly Presents "KAW!" TOMMED!

As if we haven't already done enough with the Crappinema review and the Crappinuum, our Midtown correspondent Tom Weingard has volunteered to post his takes on this movie (which I must inform you, he DID watch in its entirety). EADJ is happy to present TOMMED:

"KAW!" Oh snap, you've been TOMMED!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Giant ghostly 50 Cent sees something but doesn't say something.

That's a pretty unfortunate place to overlay an armpit. Nice "Purple Rain" font, though.

These days in elementary school, if your teacher catches you with dirty doodles on the inside of your Math book, you don't report to the principal's office- you're put in contact with an aspiring rapper.

Okay. One, I hate DJ Clue because he blabbers all over every track on his mixtapes. Secondly, MarkerFeltWide? Not listening to this one.

Drake gets his mugshot taken in Andy's Room.

I hope this album has nothing to do with Buckner & Garcia.

Fabolous and Nelly lost to two old ladies at canasta in Gainesville, Florida, but they shouldn't feel so bad- those women are vicious.

"Aw man, Cee-Lo gets to be fire, Big Gipp is smoke or wind or whatever, and Khujo gets to be water, but I gotta be dirt? That ain't right, man. That ain't right."

K-Ci and JoJo wonder why it's taking so long for their table to be seated, but the host doesn't have the heart to tell them they're sitting in a Raymour & Flanigan store.

After securing a blimp and a permit, Lloyd Banks prepares to cross one item off his bucket list: urinate on the Chrysler Building.

Some facial hair looks like the hobo symbol for 'gentleman.'

"Now where did I put my overwrought self importance? I know I left it here somewhere..."

Sean Kingston learns to never print his album cover from a Kinko's color copier.

I'm really not sure where to begin here. The two guys wading in beer? The stripper silhouette and the two O's in 'BLOOD' accidentally making a cock and balls? The cheapo Zazzle t-shirts? You tell me.

You may have heard that many of the Warren Commission records on the JFK assassination have still been sealed and are to be released in 2017. When they are, you will find that it was Jackie Kennedy in a hoochie club outfit who was actually shot in a blaze of Pepto pills and playing cards. True story.

Snoop Lion and his kids joylessly release an album together as a "family bonding experience." Both of the kids are so embarrassed that they wear their training pants over their faces. 

I'm not sure where in Flatbush you can find a freestanding house, much less one with nice siding and nice storm windows. Cheer up, fellas. You scored a great rental!

Rapsody should know not to linger near basketball hoops for an album cover, thanks to Top Dog:

In The Middle Of The Night / I Go Walking In My Sleep / From The Mountains Of Faith / To The Rivers So Deep / I Must Be Looking For Something / Something Sacred I Lost / But The River Is Wide / And It's Racist Appliances

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Secret Agent Club," Starring Hulk Hogan In TWO ROLES!!!!!!

Fresh off of the major downer gore of "KAW!" the Crappinema does a 180 in tone and prepares to embrace the 1996 film "Secret Agent Club" starring Hulk Hogan in one of the least remembered movies of his career- and that's saying a LOT. Hulk Hogan plays a Dad who is secretly a government agent. How will he keep his secret from his son Jeremy? He WON'T! It will be slam-bang hi-jinx and snappy family-friendly one liners for two solid hours!!!!!!!

Still, I kind of want to watch "A Horse For Danny," too.

The front of the DVD sleeve trumpets "Secret Agent Club" as "True Lies" meets "Home Alone!" Shit mother goddamn, I want to see some of that!!!!!!

But I sort of want to watch "A Horse For Danny," too.

KAW! Finds Its Perch On the EADJ Crappinuum

"KAW!" was the 27th(!) awful film reviewed on the EADJ Crappinema, which is fitting since 27 is not a special number, and this movie sure as shit wasn't, either.

Our initial fears that "KAW!" would simply be "Vipers" with wings were thankfully put to rest- "KAW!" managed to be awful and unenjoyable on its own terms. I'm just glad I didn't lose all of the screenshots and have to watch that damn movie twice.

Click to enlarge:

Oh, yeah. Still trying to bug Tom Weingard about his review of this film. Remind me to remind him.

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