The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Andrew Gall

I'm so surprised this never occurred to me before.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Texas Rangers," Starring James Van Der Beek, Dylan McDermott, Usher, Ashton Kutcher, and K-Mart $5.00

A pussy from a 90's show. A hunkier pussy from "The Practice." An R&B crooner who probably still rakes in the pussy. And someone who used to tag some seriously older pussy but who is now hitting some amazingly hot and young and apparently very cool pussy. And Rachel Leigh Cook, who was in  "Josie and the Pussycats."

All wearing cowboy hats and bandoliers like they're taking family photos at Kings Dominion. For two hours.

Coming soon, Jack.

An Imagined Conversation

"Look at this bachelor pad. This place is a dump, and those Scandinavian liquor models are coming over any minute to take us to the Empire Hotel rooftop for some bottle service and to hang with Nikki and Paulo! Hand me the broom, Jeff."

"Broom?! Ha ha, you gotta be kidding me, Rob. We don't have a broom anymore. We're not friggin' dorks, man. We now have a Three To Tango broom, which is all about style!"

"Whoa! Look at that broad sweeper! Can it brush dirt off our bamboo floors like the old broom did?"

"You bet, Rob. It does just as good a job as any old nerdy broom. But this baby has the added bonus of cleaning with fun, festive colors and hologram glitter all over the handle and head!"

"Fuck me! That is so amazingly stylish! And look at it sweep just like a boring, unadorned broom! Look at my striped shirt!"

"And you think that stops with the broom? Oh no, my friend. You can also get a dustpan and brush that is just as stylish and cool." Every step of the sweeping up process has now been made chic and in vogue!"

"It's like we're underwear models on the catwalk now!"

"It's cool cleaning for a hip home like ours, Rob! We are sweeping in style!"

(third bedroom door opens)

"Rob, Jeff, I'm trying to sleep in here but can't because of your loud, effeminate caterwauling about 'sweeping in style.' You guys are fucking pussies. And is that my shirt?!"

A Peek Into the Dark Mind of Obsession

So Andrew says Megan is obsessed with gorillas. EADJ sat down with Andrew and Megan for more information about her gorilla fetish. (Note: Some of these answers are fabricated to spice up the article.)

How did it start? Andrew: When Megan watched "Gorillas in the Mist," starring Sigourney Weaver.

What did she like about them? Andrew: She liked that they were gentle, misunderstood creatures.

Do gorillas eat dick? Andrew: Only if it was vegetarian dick. Or a banana in the shape of a dick. Or a dick in the shape of a banana.

So what Gorilla merchandise has she purchased? Andrew: A few books, a Valentine's Day stuffed gorilla. Also, Megan stole a copy of National Geographic because it had a feature about gorillas in it. Plus she stabbed a guy on the bus for no reason, just like a gorilla would. My name is Andrew. I wipe from the front.

Has Megan ever touched a gorilla? Megan: No

Can you imagine what it would be like? Megan: My dream is to hold hands with a gorilla.

Do you pretend that Andrew's a gorilla when you hold hands? Megan: Andrew does a good gorilla impression when holding hands. But he farts like a bull, and it sets me off on another serious stabbing rampage. My name is Megan and I once punched a horse in the nuts, cowboy-style.

Anything else you'd like to add about gorillas? Megan: We need to save the mountain gorillas, cuz there are only around 200 left.