It's 2019 and We're Still Writing Taglines For a Dumb 2014 Movie

Scooter Seat Was Glum

Scooter Seat was glum.

But Door Hinge was jazzed.

The Airplane Tray Twins were furious.

Dollar Store Box sat in the window like a cat.

Inspection Lock was happy to be working.

Drawers and Microwave just laughed and laughed.

The Pathmark of the Beast

UAG

10 Comments About the Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge Smuggler's Run Pass for Disneyland

1) Are you sure you want a pre-tween girl captaining this thing?

2) Especially when jumping to lightspeed, should be at the controls like that?

3) I mean, I know the navicomputer (which the older brother probably operated) calculated the safest route for a jump to lightspeed, but still, putting an 8 year old there is pretty unsafe, right?

4) Where are they going in such a hurry? And why are they so thrilled about it?

5) What kind of parents are these that drag their children into a life of smuggling?

6) Will the Dad refuse to ask for directions if they get lost?

7) Who farted?

8) Or is that the smell of Wookiee?

9) Do they realize the Hosnian system has been destroyed by the First Order's Starkiller base station? RIP

10) Will Disney send this blog a cease and desist order?

The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is almost here, and people are wondering what new consumer gadgets and technology to expect this year. Here is an exclusive sneak peek at what you can look forward to at CES 2019:

• Lyft apps will now charge double if you're not hot

• Shorts with haptic feedback so you can really feel a kick in the nuts in movies

• Play-Doh will announce their revolutionary new pleasant smelling, sculptable smartphone

• Fortnite dance competition. Because what the hell.

• EA will announce their new EA movie studio, where you'll have to pay an extra dollar or two to find out how a movie ends.

• Sharon will be there.

• Gallagher will come up and tell a bunch of bad jokes and smash some servers with his hammer

• An abandoned Sony Aibo robot dog from 2003 will walk around and whimper for someone to love it

• Seemingly smart guys will gesticulate and say the word "synergy" and "gamechanging".

• All of the plugs will be taken.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Address The Rumors Of Roblox Shutting Down

"Good question. A rumor earlier this yea... GAH.. year claimed that the immensely popula... *oof* popular online game Roblox... huff...  would be getting shutdown on March 22 2020... ow ow ow ow.. but this hasn't ...ACK...been confirmed by... choke... the creators themselves. *tries to breathe* The 100 million monthly Roblox players... argh... stop... stop... will be happy to hear... ouch, my throat... that the shutting down claims are fake... *coughs* and all reportedly emerged... ouch... no... no... agh... from prank website React2424. ACK! *dies*