The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is almost here, and people are wondering what new consumer gadgets and technology to expect this year. Here is an exclusive sneak peek at what you can look forward to at CES 2019:

• Lyft apps will now charge double if you're not hot

• Shorts with haptic feedback so you can really feel a kick in the nuts in movies

• Play-Doh will announce their revolutionary new pleasant smelling, sculptable smartphone

• Fortnite dance competition. Because what the hell.

• EA will announce their new EA movie studio, where you'll have to pay an extra dollar or two to find out how a movie ends.

• Sharon will be there.

• Gallagher will come up and tell a bunch of bad jokes and smash some servers with his hammer

• An abandoned Sony Aibo robot dog from 2003 will walk around and whimper for someone to love it

• Seemingly smart guys will gesticulate and say the word "synergy" and "gamechanging".

• All of the plugs will be taken.

Slapped!

Joel got slapped yesterday. By a dude.

The incident occurred at one of those places where you paint your own pottery. Joel took a blind date to All Fired Up in Santa Monica but began eyeing this dude's crotch at the next table. Cora Sampson, his date, never noticed, but the dude totally picked up on Joel's lustful glances. The fact that Joel painted "I WANT TO EAT YOUR DICK, RANDOM DUDE AT THE NEXT TABLE" on his vase wasn't very subtle, either.

So after about 45 minutes of enduring Joel's ogling and mooning, the dude plum got up and slapped Joel smack on the mug. What the fuck kind of sentence was that.

(pictured above, C-K graciously teaches barista skills to a group of people they're about to lay off)