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A deleted scene from Disney's "Aladdin."

If you're the type of guy who thinks there is a loophole in female psychology that will allow you to bang big-titted babes, you deserve to have your bank account pillaged.

And no, I didn't click to watch the video, although maybe I should've.

But wait, let's reconsider this ad. Maybe by "fuck her mind," they actually meant "listen to her and understand her hopes, fears and dreams to build a bond of trust." That could work. And by "fuck her pussy," they still meant "fuck her pussy."

24...32...8...Lobsterfest®... HUT! HUT!

Unlike other Lobsterfest® days at Red Lobster, this day is special. Why? Because today we offer more NEW fantastic ways for lobster to be served to you, whereas yesterday we offered only the old shit, which was a total rip-off. So enjoy these hot-off-the-grill lobster selections during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster and get your lobster-on like a howler monkey with a raging boner:

• A man in a trenchcoat accosts you in our parking lot. He demands to see your identification without offering any of his own. When you refuse, he runs away, never to be seen again. Only later when you watch "America's Most Wanted" do you realize that was your old friend Nelson from junior high who sat next to you in Social Studies who is now wanted for grand larceny. Oh, Nelson, whatever went wrong in your life to bring you to this point? Now that is a quick way to enjoy some lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We divide the restaurant into two groups: the "Sunni" and the "Shiite." The "Sunni" branch believes that the first four caliphs rightfully took place as the leaders of Muslims. "Shiites," in contrast, believe that only the heirs of the fourth caliph, Ali, are the legitimate successors. A healthy, spirited debate is encouraged between the two groups, all lovingly catered with generous portions of lobster. Another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster just happened right there. Did you catch it?

• Cocksucking motherfucker bitch. Shit cunt cunt fucker cock bitch-ass balls turd cock cock cock. Tits fuck titfucker cocksucking bitch fucking shit shit shit shit shit shitter. Shitter fuckfuck. Fucker fuck balls cock. Ballcock fucker tits. Tits motherfucking shit fuck fucker fuck shit shitter shitter shitter shit shit shit cock fucker shit shit fart fuck fucker farter fucker. Now that's just another way to enjoy our lobster at Lobsterfest® exclusively at Red Lobster!

• We hire a team of mimes to act out the entire Lobsterfest® menu to you, which takes about 45 minutes. We don't allow you to interrupt the presentation, however, and start from the very beginning if you even raise a finger to ask us a question about the menu. Through repetition and silent reinforcement, your family slowly learns the lobster menu by heart and can start even communicating to each other without speaking. Also, lobster fritters. Now, how about that there for an offering of lobster at Lobsterfest at Red Lobster?

• You know those "Redbox" video rental vending machines that you see poor people standing in front of? That, but with delicious steamed lobster meat inside. Also, no poor people. Jesus would bless this offering of lobster at Red Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• A severely deformed man holding a wicker basket of lobster meat limps from table to table, "selling" lobster although everyone in the restaurant has already ordered their meals. People laugh nervously, not sure if the man is part of Lobsterfest® but also afraid to laugh too hard, so as not to look like they were making fun of the deformed man. Lobsterfest® lobster at Red Lobster? Yep!

• We overtake a quaint European village and slather the place with butter. The villagers' homes and farms are virtually wiped out, as families of villagers weep openly at the loss of their livelihoods. But when our servers walk out with heaping platters of scrumptious lobster meat, the younger villagers rejoice at the delicious meal before them. But the older villagers know better. That there is one huge new way that Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is serving up the lobster goods!

• One of our regional managers- the one who had the lowest profit margins from Q3- walks into the middle of the restaurant, kneels, and apologizes profusely for bringing dishonor to his region. Patrons will gasp in horror as the disgraced manager whips out a pen and signs his own poor evaluation form. Ha! I bet you thought we were going to make him kill himself, right? See, that's where you underestimate enjoying lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We bake lobsters into a gigantic muffin, which we roll down a hill. The muffin dents parked cars along the way and even kills a few trees. The big muffin slows to a halt, and out pops the cast of the movie "Sucker Punch:" Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Carla Gugino and Jamie Chung. They all take off their clothes and start sucking my dick. Holy shit, that would be awesome. Another fine way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

I Must Have This Album

In Target, I spotted a familiar face on the CD display.


Is that Robin Meade from CNN? The pretty, perky anchor and sometimes morning host who somehow wears too much makeup? With an album?


Why, yes it is.


And I guess someone told her she can sing, because there's a whole album of her country songs. Unfortunately, there were NO CDS AVAILABLE in the racks, so I had to just press the button to hear Robin's tunes. And what I heard sounded like a donkey/cat hybrid violating a truckload of mis-tuned violins.



I MUST OWN THIS ALBUM. This is unfortunately a Target Exclusive, so I have to go back to check if they restocked it next week.

Soon, my dear Robin, soon. Your donkey/cat hybrid voice will be mine to crank from my Prius.

Side note: Is it just me, or does that song sound like The Eagles' "Life In The Fast Lane?"

Side side note: Duh. That's a Don Henley cover song. No wonder. I never made that connection that the two songs were similar.

A Very Disturbing Find At Pathmark

So I had to take a George while at Pathmark the other week (don't ask), and I spotted a stray butcher sticker inside the stall:


Now, I don't need to tell you this is disgusting on a couple of levels here:

• that somebody saw fit to bring unpaid merchandise into a bathroom stall
• that the item they saw fit to bring into the poop stall was apparently RAW MEAT
• that the sticker itself doesn't specify anything beyond "MEAT" with "ALL THE INGREDIENTS"

A Brief Message From The National Book Council

Reading on a Nook makes you look like an asshole.


This has been a brief message from the National Book Council.

The EADJ Sticker Show, Entry 2

Once again, using the power of Google, EADJ invetigates and explains the random decals one spots around town:



The Brown Angels Sticker spotted in San Francisco.

Alternative band or vigilante Filipino fighters?


Google didn't turn up a lot, except for a lot of mentions of Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons," the sequel to "The Da Vinci Code".

Some further hunting found that The Brown Angels are or were some kind of rock band. They even opened up for Silversun Pickups. So that's neat.


The Brown Angels apparently have no presence on YouTube. Or myspace.

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SYC BOIS Sticker spotted in Modesto, CA.

Punk band or Neverwinter Nights clan?


Punk band, established 1999. So, no surprises there.

"The S.Y.C. (Street Youth Core) BoiS are a punk rock band from southern california. There are three members Bucky, Chris, and Eddie. We are rock and roll. Punk rock is what we are about. 'Shave your head and die your hair, safety pins right through your ears'."

But a quick search for them on YouTube or myspace revealed nothing. Are they disbanded?


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How Many Robots Have You Killed Today Babe? Stickers spotted around Manhattan.

Anti-technology artist's rant or obscure quote from SyFy series?




This is actually a reference to a Haitian photographer's Tumblr page. The Brooklyn-based photographer (and writer) Richard Louissaint sells books of his photography and even runs his own blog. Neat.


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Slopness Monster: Sticker spotted in Austin, TX.

Skateboarding company or web comic?



Turns out SlopnessMonster.com is a multi-city, multi-campus website devoted to displaying photos of drunk hi-jinks like puking or passing out, offering pithy captions like "Trunk Limbo" or "My Bunny."


And do they have a social media component? What do you think, asshole?


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Run From Popo: Sticker spotted in Midtown NYC.

City pro-tip or viral web game?


Run From Popo is some kind of paintball tournament in urban settings which oddly (but awesomely) requires the people who play as "popo" to have served in a military, police, security or law enforcement job and the people who play as "criminals" to have really been arrested once.



Looks pretty harmless, seeing how the "criminals" dress in cartoony striped fatigues. Still, someone could really get shot.