Oh, Come ON, Target.

As previously documented here and here, I have been anxiously checking with Target to see if they had restocked CNN anchorwoman Robin Meade's solo country album. I checked again last night.


Nope. No Robin Meade CD. Instead, they've stocked some new album called "Hymns & Spirituals: Some Glad Morning" by Cindy Morgan. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!!

Look, Target, I've tried to be patient here. I've given you weeks to restock your fucking CD shelves with what is supposed to be there, namely Robin Meade's fucking solo album "Brand New Fucking Day." And every time I go back to your miserable wide-aisled store, I see NOTHING on that one shelf. You cannot possibly be telling me headquarters only supplied you with six copies of that motherfucker.




Daddy's got $9.99 burning in his fucking pocket, with Robin Meade's "Brand New Day" written all over it. Fucking restock that fucking CD and let me fucking buy that shit. You have one week, you slack pussy fuckballs, before I start taking a dump in your fitting rooms.

Bonus Beats: Here's Robin sporting a shredded t-shirt from the county fair and destroying a Richard Marx song, which I thought couldn't be done:

The Merits of Coochie, Cash & Cougars Versus Paper, Pussy & Purp: An Analysis

Two different hip hop mixtape organizations have come out with releases that have attracted the attention of music critics across the blogosphere. Much like "Dante's Peak" versus "Volcano" in 1997, or "Antz"' versus "A Bug's Life" in 1998, the simultaneous release of similar material causes confusion, so we at EADJ will break down the main differences for you here:

"Coochie, Cash & Cougars" is presented by No Line Gang, featuring rapper Levi Leer. "Paper, Pussy & Purp," however, is brought to you by DJ Winn, DJ Shure Fire & DJ Smallz, featuring rapper Skroodle.


Although the titles of the two mixtapes are similar, there is a difference in emphasis. Levi Leer chose to start off with Coochie, mention Cash second, and then finish with Cougars. Skroodle took a different approach by mentioning finances first (Paper) then quickly mentioning Pussy and ending with the all-important Purp. What's interesting in the former is that one assumes "Coochie" to mean "women," but when there is mention of "Cougars," you suddenly have to reevaluate what "Coochie" means: Drugs? Respect? Luckily, Levi Leer clarifies this confusion at 1:03 in his intro, wherein he states outright, "I love coochie/ I love cash/ and I love old bitches." This means Leer has foregone the mention of dealing with drugs entirely, opting instead to mention women and older women as two different quantities. Ostensibly, this is to present Leer as a shrewd businessman as well as a ladies man versus being a common street hustler.


It's already very clear what Skroodle is talking about in his mixtape title, but he cleverly adds ghosted texture within the letterforms themselves to remove any lingering doubt; even the most inexperienced hip-hop listener can now tell that Paper means dollars and that Purp refers to marijuana. And to tie it all together, he has designated the ampersand to contain his likeness. Skroodle is no stranger to playing with type– his name on the cover is simply the House Industries Playhouse font with a pair of handcuffs as the O's and a pistol for the L.


"Coochie Cash & Cougars" posts a warning at the bottom that the content within is "For Bad Bitches Only," further reinforcing Levi Leer's preference for women (perhaps too much?). "Paper Pussy & Purp" simply displays a stamp at the bottom: "Certified Hood Entertainment," letting potential listeners know that this mixtape has been officially endorsed by 'hood regulators.



Final Analysis: Even though both mixtapes are free to download here and here, respectively, you'll be hard pressed to find worse Lil' Wayne-wannabe autotuning than "CC&C" and meandering bush-league southern slangin' than "PP&P."

Is That An Erect Penis In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Lobster To See Me?

Lobsterfest® seems to pop up at the least convenient time for people– when you're doing your taxes, when you've been caught shoplifting, or when you just murdered your high school guidance counselor. Still, here at Red Lobster, it's our commitment to serving this lobster stuff to you no matter what, so you just better recognize and show the fuck up. This newest batch of savory ways to enjoy lobster have been submitted by guest servers Andrew, Vince, Megan and Shaleah:

• At Red Lobster, we know that respecting the ancestors of lobsters is an important thing. Before these lobsters are consumed in fits of glorious gluttonousness (and with tasty rolls and possible sprinkle cookie desserts!), we allow our lobsters to steal old lobster shells from the tables and burn them in an effigy of sorts. And that’s a rather confusing and possibly nonsensical way to enjoy Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• In the interest of all fairness and impartiality, for one weekend every second month, we invite the local lobster contingency to sit around our largest oak family dining table and eat a human. We also distribute bibs with humans on them so the lobsters can have a sanitary dining experience. Following the meal, everyone gets wafers. And that’s a pretty darn fair way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• In addition to being a family restaurant, we at Red Lobster consider the lobster sacred. Almost like a deity. But not quite, since we serve copious amounts daily and our livelihood depends on customers eating them. Nevertheless, we sometimes, without warning, encourage diners to wear rubber bands on their hands to honor lobsters—beginning with the kitchen staff and franchise general manager. We find it’s easy to pressure everyone into doing something when we do it first and then bother you when we bring you your bread but before we bring you your lobster. And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• By insisting customers have a sunburn in order to eat our lobster at our restaurant, we once again attempt to respect the great snapping sea-beast while at the time eating them ravenously. What a buttery moral dilemma! And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Everyone at Olive Garden dips their bread sticks in butter, then storms Red Lobster in excitement. It’s like holding a staff from a position of authority. We’re talking kings and horsemen, archdukes and sailors, but sailors who want to be from an earlier period where women stayed home and men ate more fish than is medically recommended! And that’s just ANOTHER way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!



(BONUS JOKE: FROM VINCE)

What did one male lobster say to the other male lobster when they were on the prowl?

Hey, ready to get some lobster tail?




Editor's Note: after sending these entries, Andrew wrote: "for some reason, many of these were based on some sort of lobster affirmative action, I now realize."

Also, Vince has been awarded the Onyx Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page for submitting a bonus joke.

Flood Coverage

Even in waders standing in floodwaters filled with poo and gasoline, Channel 2's Kristine Johnson still knows how to look good.


Work that disaster area, sister!

Spotted in Union, NJ

A bumper sticker on a minivan:



So, adding Mom to Family Court would equal no Dad. Wouldn't "Family Court = Family - Dad" make more sense, since we're actually subtracting Dad? Oh, you want to show that it's a conspiracy between the Mom and the Family Court, fine:

Mom + Family Court = -Dad

Oh, you don't want a negative value on the other end of the equation?

Mom + Dad + Family Court = Mom

Too confusing? How about this, then?

Mom + Family Court - Night Court = Bitter Dad + Confusing Bumper Sticker

Let's Completely Alter The Lyrics To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Patrick Ng, some dude makes the most of driving a minivan:

TASK CHAIR AIN'T THROUGH WITH YOU YET BITCH

(Visual by Andrew Gall)


HEY PUSSY

THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH TASK CHAIR? THAT'S CUTE. YOU THINK YOU'VE MOVED ON, BUT FACT IS, YOUR SORRY ASS STILL NEEDS A TASK CHAIR.

SO SIT YOUR PUSSY ASS DOWN ON YOUR INFERIOR CHAIR AND LISTEN TO THIS SHIT. YOU'LL GET TASKS DONE RIGHT LIKE A BOSS IN A TASK CHAIR. BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK, DONE. COMPLETE TIME SHEETS, BOOM, DONE. SHIT, COMPLETE A SUDOKU FOR ALL I CARE, WHO GIVES A TOM FUCK. BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU WILL COMPLETE TASKS.

ARE YOU LISTENING, YOU SIMPERING PUSSY?

YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR BITCH EARS AND STOP DAYDREAMING BECAUSE SHIT LIKE THAT IS WHAT'S KEEPING YOU FROM WINNING. TASK CHAIR WILL DRAG YOUR DUMB-ASS OUT OF THAT FUNK AND SET YOU STRAIGHT. STOP BEING SUCH A NON-PRODUCTIVE PUSSY.

I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT COMPLETING A SUDOKU. THAT SHIT IS FRIVOLOUS PASTIME BULLSHIT THAT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. DO I NEED TO SLAP YOU AWAKE, YOU COCKSUCKER?

LONG STORY SHORT, GET A TASK CHAIR AND FUCKING RAPE THAT TO DO LIST. SEACREST OUT.