Some Thoughts By The Artist Whose Artwork Is Currently Hanging in The Starbucks Inside The Target Store In Bridgewater, NJ

• I can't believe they hung pendant lamps in front of "Discussion No. 5" and "Connexion," two of the most important pieces in the series.

• Target's "curator," if they can even call her that, failed to mention that everything from the walls to the shopping carts to the countertops would be bright red. That completely turns my work from eyecatching to wallpaper!

• I really should have cropped the penis out of "Expansion No. 3," although most people would probably see it as a goofy bottle. LOL

• Should have used more puce overall.

• I wonder if it's awkward for art critics when they have to study my work standing over shoppers drinking their moccachino lattes.

• That check from Target cleared, right?

• Wait. Is this gallery area so remote from foot traffic that only employees on break use it to text their friends?! Noo.

Something I've Noticed And A Possible Theory

If you've been Christmas shopping lately, you might have noticed a certain pattern of speech in a lot of retail windows.




It seems like a bunch of places are no longer using complete, coherent sentences and instead just throwing words like "Joy" or "Merry" or "Give" together.






My theory about this new practice goes like this: retailers shied away from saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" because they don't want to alienate anybody. But they also feel like saying "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" is too common or pedestrian– something your local muffler shop would say– so they invent new expressions, using seasonal keywords to conjure up "SHARE DELIGHT" or "UNWRAP ENCHANTMENT" or some other new age-y nondenominational horseshit that doesn't mean anything.

Well, Those Are Big.

Spotted in Starbucks this afternoon: a girl wearing the most gigantic sunglasses in the world.

A Thought Process That Somebody Out There Probably Has

"Why is Kim Jong Il wearing an apron? God, I hate the Chinese. We should have shipped them out after they completed the Union and Pacific. So glad we nuked their ass after WWII. Man, now that was a real war. What's on TV?"

Slapped!

Joel got slapped yesterday. By a dude.

The incident occurred at one of those places where you paint your own pottery. Joel took a blind date to All Fired Up in Santa Monica but began eyeing this dude's crotch at the next table. Cora Sampson, his date, never noticed, but the dude totally picked up on Joel's lustful glances. The fact that Joel painted "I WANT TO EAT YOUR DICK, RANDOM DUDE AT THE NEXT TABLE" on his vase wasn't very subtle, either.

So after about 45 minutes of enduring Joel's ogling and mooning, the dude plum got up and slapped Joel smack on the mug. What the fuck kind of sentence was that.

(pictured above, C-K graciously teaches barista skills to a group of people they're about to lay off)