Once You Go Racist Appliances, You Never Go Back

Spotted in Home Depot

I call this one "Baby Boom."

A Quick Note From The Guy Knitting On The Subway

Yeah, I knit. So what? I'm damn good at it, too. Not that just your basic continental stitch method, either. That scene's for the hipsters who just took up "urban knitting" after reading that TIME Magazine article. So pitiful. No, I'm talking about using circular needles, colorwork, lace, cabling, entrelac and mathematical knitting. See, I'm talking the serious stuff, here.


Yeah, this muffler's really starting to look good. Can those scenesters knock one of these babies out in 2 hours like I do? I think not, friend.


Sure, maybe I get a few stares and all, but after the initial shock that a tough guy like me can knit wears off, they come to admire the craftmanship and care I bring into whatever I'm working on... OH SHIT. That was my stop. Man...

Coming Soon To the EADJ Crappinema: "Dead Awake"

"Death Is Only The Beginning." Apparently it captures the essence of the movie so well, the producers saw fit to slap in on both the front and back of the DVD.

I knew this was an EADJ Crappinema contender when I read "Dylan is transformed by supernatural forces."

Hope you've got thick skin, Nick Stahl.

So, How Did "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" Do?

Well, it fell somewhere between Sally Field in "Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring" and the animated "Happy, The Littlest Bunny." So, suffice to say "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" sucked more dick than the VD cautionary tale "Intimate Agony" but didn't blow as much ass as unfunny urban romp "Da Station."

Are we all clear now?

What You Say, Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup?

Whether this is roundup #10 or #11 isn't important. What is important is that my asshole burns like a piping hot tabasco enema.


Brand: Isabel 500
Label: A dove flying over a bunch of white flowers.
Feels Like: Giving up the Holy Ghost.


Brand: Aero Soft 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Label: Pleasant script typeface, blue marble-y textured background.
Feels Like: Actually wiping your ass with crumbled marble.


Brand: PRECIOUS Facial Quality 500 Two-Ply
Label: Gollum-green label. Background that resembles the dark clouds over Mount Doom.
Feels Like: Destroying my "One Ring" in molten lava.


Brand: North River
Label: Unassuming yellowish beige-y color.
Feels Like: Wiping with a dead mule's crumbling dick.


Brand: "Bath Tissue"
Label: What appears to be football field yard lines.
Feels Like: Your asshole getting tackled by that kid from "The Blind Side."


Brand: Sofitelle Soft & Absorbent
Label: Named after a high class hotel where a maid got raped
Feels Like: Getting raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF


Brand:D&S
Label: Mysterious initials, a heart, and also flowers stolen from the Isabel 500 label.
Feels Like: Burns like a M.F. right in the A-hole.


Brand: Quali-T Toilet Tissue
Label: A masculine blue label with an industrial logo
Feels Like: Straddling a pro-wrestler's belt


Brand:Preferred Plus Bathroom Tissue, Single Roll
Label: A yellow puddle overlapping a blue puddle. Is that supposed to be piss?
Feels Like: Wiping with your child's treasured origami collection


Brand: Mancini Trading Plush 2-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Label: What appears to be a cherry hanging from some wheat. Great God.
Feels Like: Exactly that. Wiping with a stalk of wheat with a cherry hanging from it.


Brand: WS500 Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Label: The Windows 7 Desktop Photo, and a very friendly brand name.
Feels Like: You're not really trying to wipe your ass.



"Luxurious and Embossed!"


Brand: Bay West
Label: As generic as they get
Feels Like: Michael Bay exploding your anus with C4 strapped to paper


Brand: ROLLMASTR
Label: BIG INDUSTRL SPOOL
Feels Like: RLLY RLLY HRTS


Brand: Generic Seattle-scene Grunge Toilet Paper
Label: None. They reject labels.
Feels Like: Wiping with Eddie Vedder's old burlap poncho


Brand: Windsoft
Label: Flowing blue graphics, and the promise of "A Touch of Tenderness"
Feels Like: That goddamn toilet paper was lying.


Brand: Optima Double Soft Floral Embossed Bath Tissue
Label: Green marble. Like that lobby in "The Matrix"
Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a knife

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas

Is "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" the story of a likable underdog who uses his brain to win the heart of the popular girl in the end? Sure. But strike the word "likable" away from that sentence, and insert a bunch of unnecessary, unfunny, non-character-building scenes, and I think you'll start to get the idea of this movie. Okay, it sounds totally harsh that I'm dissecting a lighthearted comedy and demanding the next "Potemkin." But come on now. This is a low-budget film that could have benefitted from not being so cookie-cutter and formulaic, and the filmmakers could have taken some odd comedic chances here and there instead of depicting dumb college jocks doing beer bongs and stoners smoking out of a pineapple. Also, Bickford is so goddamned serious and self-important, that the fact that he's not popular seems about right in the viewer's eyes. We can't really relate to him, not that we're not dorks, but he's sort of mopey and dull. And when the very premise of a film looks dull even on paper, you know you're in trouble. The following conversation is lifted verbatim from this scene: Sarah: (reading) Every physical structure in the universe, including ourselves, is in a constant state of flux- minimally and maximally, continuously, continuously. Yet, our lives are lived in ever-flowing still frames of reality, sanity, being the delusion of a comfortable continuity within the vortex of infinite chaos. (Trent strums his guitar, looks reluctantly at Sarah.) Sarah: "Vortex of infinite chaos?!" C'mon, you gotta admit that rules! Trent: … I get it. Sarah: Well, okay. Then he goes on to talk about how we're all subatomically in flux and emotionally in flux and consciously, and mentally in flux…even our flux is in flux! Trent: So what? Sarah: It's just… when you put all these ideas and theories and facts together, and think about them all at the same time, interconnected, your brain kind of *orgasms.* Trent: You must be stoned off your head. Sarah: No! I'm telling you, this book actually makes me feel these ideas. I mean, like, tingly in my toes. Trent: It's cuz you were on a stoner safari when you found it. Like the time you watched "The Seventh Seal" stoned? And we didn't do anything for the next month but stay in and watch stupid Swedish movies? Sarah: Ingmar Bergman isn't stupid. Trent: HA! Sarah: I should just go sleep with this guy. (reading) Copyright Bickford…Shmeckler. Trent: What kind of sick, twistoid parents would name their kid "Bickford Shmeckler?" Sarah: I'll ask him. The following conversation is lifted verbatim from this scene: (Bickford enters Sarah's studio. Sarah approaches him and kisses him) Sarah: Thank you SO much! Beckford: (impatiently) For what? For what?! Sarah: Inspiration! God, I read your words, and look what exploded out of me (indicates painting) I think this is my best work ever. Beckford: What's the black spot in the middle mean? Sarah: That's my clitoris. It's a motif– I always put it somewhere in each of my paintings. (This reviewer gets up, goes to the bathroom and cools off by flushing his head in the toilet) One sort of saving grace about the DVD is that they included real Dungeons & Dragons weapon and character sheets. Now that's real commitment to a nerd audience. Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still a subpar movie. Bickford may have won the girl in the end, but I'm pretty sure his character didn't grow or learn any. So essentially a dickish dork lucks out in the tang department. Overall grade: F+