Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy theories used to be fun. In the 90s, people would tune into The X-Files on Fridays to get the latest improbable but spooky theory about how the government was trying to control you. Now it's the bread and butter of tons of crazy podcasters, Facebookers and InfoWars to get you all riled up against everything under the sun to keep you afraid and addicted to fear/anger. Here are the newest conspiracy theories they'll be floating on that show soon:

• Lane Bryant is a skinny woman who sells plus size clothes as a cosmic joke

• Virtually every food that begins with a T will give you dick cancer

• If you don't convert all your money into gold bullions and NFTs, you will starve this summer

• "POC" stands for People Of Color, but it also stands for Purgatory Octopus Centurions

• If you suck on an old Nintendo cartridge instead of blowing on it, you can get high

• All raccoons drive around in a rented U-Haul to find trash cans worth raiding

• The blue line in pregnancy tests is actually a letter "I" that stands for INFERTILE

• You know what's inside hacky sacks? Dried up aborted fetuses.

Heads up, Joel.

A sudden, minor earthquake rattled the Thomas household today.

Several porcelain dicks were cracked from the tremor, as were Joel's dobro guitar and pink boots. Power was restored within minutes of an outage, so none the frozen dick in Joel's garage freezer were ever in danger. What did not survive, however, was Joel's 14 foot house of cards, which fell almost immediately. Why Joel set it up in the driveway, none of us can know.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was disappointed to find its prized collection of Grey's Anatomy figurines strewn all about its quarters. It whimpered a bit but felt better once McSteamy and the rare Preston Burke figurines were found intact.

Their above-ground pool filled with goat semen, valued at $4500, was unfortunately destroyed.

(pictured above, Ayana displays a true relic: a portfolio with LAMINATED pieces with FELT backing)