Upcoming Conspiracy Stories On InfoWars

The excellent writing staff at Alex Jones's InfoWars are at it again. They've been so prolific that they've been gracious enough to share with EADJ some false stories that they'll be covering on the show in the coming weeks. Here's a sneak peek!

• Horse manure mixed with pumpkin seeds cures male pattern baldness

• Public librarians are spying on what books you read, so don't read

• The letters of the word "TURBAN" can be rearranged to spell "TERORISM"

• Every Disney animated movie contains hidden codes that can unlock the Freemasons' seed vault in Norway

• Sweater vests were invented by homosexuals to add some casual, friendly style to a shirt and tie

• LASERS!

• Memory foam products actually retain any information about you and digitally transmit the info to "Big Mattress"

• Taco shells are actually made by Americans, thus stealing jobs from hardworking Mexicans

And Now, EADJ Entry #300, Written By Joel Himself.

EADJ was remiss in letting post #200 go by without granting the eponymous Joel the honor of writing it. So here he is, writing #300 (#400 will be an original song penned by our very own Pewter Bear):

David has been bugging me to write a post for the blog that has my family questioning my sexual orientation. But every time I start, as a favor, I realize that David's obviously a terrible friend, and awful person. I bet you he's killed a neighbor's pet with paper cuts because the cable was out.

But, alas, he's funny. Michael Vick: Not funny. No get out of jail free card for Vick.

Okay, David, here's your post. Just in time for the 300th entry. Let's set the record straight.

No, I'm not gay.

Why, yes, I do love Buffy. Joss Whedon is my master now.

I already answered that. Not gay--No, Buffy isn't gay! Shut up!

If I were gay, no, I wouldn't be into you, John.

Yes, I suppose it's possible that David just pretends to be my friend. It would explain A LOT.

My favorite wine is Reisling... What?

I think the balls are separate from the dick, and would therefore not be in a dick dinner, ruining your "dick, hold the balls" joke. Sorry, John, comedy has rules. It's not Nam.

Yes, that was a Big Lebowski reference!

The Sundays... What?

I'm ignoring your questions now, John, because I can tell that it's you.

Yes it is so you, John. Worst accent ever.

Yes, Santino totally should have won Project Runway season 2!... What?

This whole blog got started when I joked David was fantasizing about mutual friend, Bill Dow: I made a blog with a title that suggested Bill was in David's dreams. I can't even remember what I called it. Can't find it now. But it's out there! I never was able to get it to work right. Photos wouldn't post. So I gave up. David's blog was much more successful, obviously. His VHS crushed my beta. And in the same way--with porn.

Yes, I do write screenplays, trying to break in to Hollywood. You may request them! monkeydojoel@ca.rr.com. Enjoy.

Yes, I realize now that my email has a monkey "doing" me. My company's name is monkeydo. Poor choices when I set it up. Very Funke.

No, I did not write "Loins, Groins and Audible Squeals". But man, I wish I did. That scene where they have the sex was riveting. I totally didn't see it coming, though the scene was shown on the DVD cover with stars over the penetration.

Yes, we must now end on a bukkake joke. Michael Vick is going to prison! Take my dick-eating crown, Michael Vick, like you have a choice! Fly, Michael Vick. Don't think of semen as gross. It's just a con's way of saying that you're subhuman, and that your life is in their hands. And trying to breed you? That's a compliment that says, "winner".

Congrats, David. 300 posts. We did it together. You, me, and all the rainbows of your imagination.

Eat a dick, David.

(pictured above, I didn't have a photo of Joel Thomas handy, so I Google Imaged it, and that's what I found)