New Product Announcements at This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) took place this week in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and many of the world's leading electronics companies attended to show off their latest gadgets and technology. Here are some of the highlights:

• A Roomba doing tricks on a Lazy Susan for no reason

• Dyson's new $1200 bladeless back shaver

• Sunbeam's helium-filled blanket that floats away when you're asleep

• A TV for your elderly parents that changes to hardcore porn whenever they try to watch Fox News

• New QR codes that don't work

• A USB-powered USB charger

• The EXO soy sauce dispensing drone

• A carbon monoxide detector that doesn't notify you if it looks like you're busy

Bruce Willis Always Looks Like He's Looking For His Reading Glasses in Movie Posters

"Are they in here? I remember using them here."

"Did you take them? I swear, if you did..."

"Well shit, maybe I left them in the car."

"You said you SAW them?! WHERE?"

"Ah, fuck it. I'll just go to CVS and buy another pair. Dammit."

Porn Has Ruined Me

Pictured below: A thumbnail on a stock image site makes me do a double take because I thought it was pornographic. IT WAS HER ARM.

Many a Trip Continues Long After Movement In Time and Pathmark Have Ceased

What Matt Thinks: The Short Knight

On his resumé, Matt lists one of his interests as art. So we exposed him to some poetry.


Click here to read the poem.