New Product Announcements at This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) took place this week in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and many of the world's leading electronics companies attended to show off their latest gadgets and technology. Here are some of the highlights:

• A Roomba doing tricks on a Lazy Susan for no reason

• Dyson's new $1200 bladeless back shaver

• Sunbeam's helium-filled blanket that floats away when you're asleep

• A TV for your elderly parents that changes to hardcore porn whenever they try to watch Fox News

• New QR codes that don't work

• A USB-powered USB charger

• The EXO soy sauce dispensing drone

• A carbon monoxide detector that doesn't notify you if it looks like you're busy

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

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A Tribute To All The Chakas, Brought To You By Utz Quality Snacks

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The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2015 Edition

I'm thinking I should do these segments once a year, because even though it's rare that I come across an uncatalogued roll of generic toilet paper, it does happen from time to time. Here are the latest butt offerings:

Brand: EcoSoft

Brand Imagery: Use of the words "Eco" and "Soft" 

Brand Promise: The best of both worlds: be eco-friendly but still not chafe your bunghole!

Feels Like: Someone dragging a rake through your compost pile

Brand: Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Another use of the word "Soft." Friendly, approachable fonts

Brand Promise: Wiping will feel like your ass died and entered the Pearly Gates

Feels Like: Your ass died and went to Purgatory for abusing its wife

Brand: Pro Link

Brand Imagery: Comforting image of a metal chain

Brand Promise: "Drop anchor and we'll take care of whatever you pinch off."

Feels Like: This

Editor's note: This is my favorite.)

Brand: First Mark

Brand Imagery: A generous smear across a white wall

Brand Promise: LET US BE THE FIRST TO RECEIVE YOUR BUTT MARK

Feels Like: Validation