I Guess I'm Not Expensing This Receipt.

UAG

A Collection of New York Butts

Butts both good and bad, male and female, loose and tight.

Toy Oven Is Shocked.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Jazz Dance

Okay, look, girls. What you call "jazz dance," isn't. It might be lively, energetic dancing, but it sure isn't jazz, so please leave the goddamned word "jazz" out of it.

You know what jazz is? Jazz is an unimaginably beautiful genre of music formed from pain, hard work and pure virtuosity by the disparate likes of Thelonius Monk, John Coltrane, Dizzy Gillespie, Chet Baker, Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davis, Sarah Vaughn, Jimmy Dorsey, Sun Ra, Count Basie, Diana Krall, Tito Puentes and Henry Mancini. You're just a bunch of part-time dancers in leotards running around onstage to "She's Like The Wind."


I know. How can I be singing the praises of one form of expression while questioning the legitimacy of another? Well, it's because you're attaching a hard-earned word to your thing that has already been claimed and well-established AND whose definition has already been strained to its outermost boundaries. Just don't call whatever the fuck you do "jazz" and I'll stop belittling whatever it is you all are doing up there in leotards and suspenders. I mean, you're not even dancing to "Blue Train." I'd like to see you try doing "jazz hands" to this:


I hereby formally rename "Jazz Dance" as "Stacy Dance." Just because a lot of you are named Stacy, and it really kind of fits.

Lobsterfest® Continues To Carry On Rolling On

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster refused to let up, assaulting everyone in the immediate area with chunks of butter and delicious morsels of mouth-watering lobster. Red Lobster has come up with even more ways for you and your effeminate boyfriend to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Try these latest savory, scrumptious offerings:

The following entries were all entirely submitted by Andrew Gall:

Upon entering the restaurant, you are blindfolded. From there, you feel the floor dropping out beneath you. You fall approximately 3 stories before landing on a soft beanbag. The blindfold is removed, and it is revealed that you're in a teen's basement bedroom. The beanbag you landed on is shaped like a lobster, and the teen and his friends are performing an all-ages music show for you as part of Red Lobster's Dining With the Rockin' Youth® initiative. You're given all-you can eat lobster and warm cheese biscuits while you're treated to the sounds of tomorrow. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


You order lobster at one of our fine establishments. As you tie your bib and prepare to dig in, you hear a distant voice speaking to you. This voice sounds mysteriously like your long lost father. While you eat, he whispers the sweet and prolific fatherly advice you lacked growing up, leading you to a life of crime in which you repeatedly ripped off discount tire distributors. As your meal winds down, you feel overcome with the right answers in life, and your belly is just as overcome with lobsteriffic delight. Your whispering pseudo-father promises to stay in touch, and you vow to stop robbing tire stores. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


On the first Tuesday of every month, each dinner patron gets a free Red Lobster painter's cap and choke chain for their pet. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


As you pick up your knife and fork and prepare to indulge in some succulent lobster, a horn sounds. Up-tempo music plays, a horn section begins, and confetti (which are actually small bites of lobster) begins blowing all around you. Patrons are encouraged to catch the lobster confetti pieces in their mouths, creating a "lobster-winter-wonderland" of sorts, as you'll be instantly reminded of eating fresh snowflakes while wearing snow pants. The confetti doesn't stop blowing until the entire table is covered or someone needs a pee break (whichever comes last!) And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

J'Net's Got A Little Captain In Her.