Coming "Soon" To the EADJ Crappinema: "Modesty Blaise" Starring Monica Vitti and Terence Stamp (1966)

"A spy spoof in the 60s tradition featuring the comic book heroine Modesty Blaise set in the Italian Mediterranean." So decades before Austin Powers, they were already taking the piss out of James Bond.

And from 1966, this will be the oldest film ever reviewed on the ol' Crappinema. Look for the entry in the next three years!

Beating A Dead, Frozen Shark

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Jazz Dance

Okay, look, girls. What you call "jazz dance," isn't. It might be lively, energetic dancing, but it sure isn't jazz, so please leave the goddamned word "jazz" out of it.

You know what jazz is? Jazz is an unimaginably beautiful genre of music formed from pain, hard work and pure virtuosity by the disparate likes of Thelonius Monk, John Coltrane, Dizzy Gillespie, Chet Baker, Ella Fitzgerald, Miles Davis, Sarah Vaughn, Jimmy Dorsey, Sun Ra, Count Basie, Diana Krall, Tito Puentes and Henry Mancini. You're just a bunch of part-time dancers in leotards running around onstage to "She's Like The Wind."


I know. How can I be singing the praises of one form of expression while questioning the legitimacy of another? Well, it's because you're attaching a hard-earned word to your thing that has already been claimed and well-established AND whose definition has already been strained to its outermost boundaries. Just don't call whatever the fuck you do "jazz" and I'll stop belittling whatever it is you all are doing up there in leotards and suspenders. I mean, you're not even dancing to "Blue Train." I'd like to see you try doing "jazz hands" to this:


I hereby formally rename "Jazz Dance" as "Stacy Dance." Just because a lot of you are named Stacy, and it really kind of fits.

Citywide Alert

-------------------------------------Wednesday, 3/4/09
The New York Department of Public Flyaways and Frizzies
Memo For Immediate Release


11:33:45 AM--------------

THE NY DEPT OF PUBLIC FLYAWAYS AND FRIZZIES HAS ANNOUNCED A PUBLIC DANGER IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. SOURCES IN COLLABORATION WITH THE NYDPFF HAVE CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF ERRANT BALLS OF HAIR, OR "HAIRBALLS," CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE CITY. REFER TO PHOTOS 1A-3A FOR VISUAL CONFIRMATION, AIDED BY RED ARROWS THAT INDICATE THE DANGER.


THESE "HAIRBALLS" APPEAR SIMILAR TO TUMBLEWEEDS AND DRIED BUSHES FOUND IN ARIZONA AND UTAH. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF BEING MADE OF DRIED PLANT MATTER, THESE APPEAR TO CONSIST OF HAIR EXTENSIONS AND DETACHED HAIR WEAVES.


THESE "HAIRBALLS," -OR AS SOMEONE CLEVER IN OUR DEPARTMENT REFERRED TO IT DURING BREAK- "TUMBLEWEAVES," ARE NOT KNOWN TO BE DANGEROUS. HOWEVER, THEY DO NOT APPEAR TO BE SAFE, EITHER.


THE NYDPFF URGES THE PUBLIC NOT TO APPROACH, TOUCH, OR CATCH TO THESE "TUMBLEWEAVES" (IT IS A PRETTY CATCHY NAME, HOWARD). THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO INSTEAD NOTIFY THE NYDPFF BY DIALING "811."


ANY NEW YORK RESIDENTS OR VISITORS WHO ENCOUNTER FUTURE "TUMBLEWEAVES" ARE URGED TO STAY OUT OF WHATEVER TRAJECTORY THEY ARE ROLLING AND TO STAY INDOORS. LIKE MAYBE CATCH THAT NEW TYLER PERRY MOVIE, "MADEA GOES TO JAIL." THAT LOOKS KIND OF FUNNY.

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