Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain How To Stick To Your New Year's Resolutions

First off, in order to make your resolutions... ah...  realistic, there is a greater chance that... huff huff...  you'll keep them... AGH... throughout the year, incorporating... incorporating healthy behavior (ouch!) into your... hah...ah... everyday life. First... AHHGHH... start small- make resolutions you think you can honestly keep... dah ah ah ah ah ah... Take... ah... time to replace unhealthy behaviors... cough cough... with healthy ones.... can't... breathe... *slips into coma*

Car Door Was Happy

Car Door was happy.

But Tire Inflater Cord was ecstatic.

Oogie Boogie from "Nightmare Before Christmas" was shocked into silence.

Bath Towel gave the crazy eye.

Door Jr. and Door Sr. kept out of it.

Headphones Dog sat in a corner.

And Playground Climbing Wall did its best presidential impression.

Another Imagined Conversation.

"Pablo!"
"Yes, Trujillo?"
"We-a should advertise-a our feta cheese!"
"Hey, that's-a good idea! How do we that-a?"
"We give-a some money to my Uncle Giuseppe!"
"What-a does your Uncle Giuseppe do? He do-a advertising?"
"He knows a guy-a who works for Max-a Racks-a!"
"Those free postcards-a? Yes, what better way-a to advertise our fine feta cheese-a by talking to people in restaurants-a!"
"That's-a what I was-a thinking!"
"But what if the Max-a Racks-a card rack-a is near the bathroom-a? Or worse, over a urinal-a in a shitty barbecue-a place on Third Avenue-a? That would reflect-a poorly on our product-a."
"Relax, Trujillo! What-a are the chances of that-a?"