Christmas Is a Time For Asking For Favors

My church sent me some mail the other week, and in it were 5 raffle tickets and letter asking me to sell them for $20 a pop.



My first thought was, Will they charge me $100 if I just chuck this away? They just stuck me with these tickets, and I have to figure out a way to unload these unsold tickets back to them; I just want to slip them in their mail slot. Now, it's a very nice church and all, but to send this chore to me and passive aggressively suggest I play bookie for their gambling racket is a bit forward. It's like an aunt writing you a letter "reminding" you that you promised to make a backdrop for her nativity scene, even though you HAVE NO RECOLLECTION of promising that.


MAN, I am cranky.

A Terrible Joke Told Terribly With Terrible Audio

This is my Dad at a buffet place trying to tell a joke about a woman trying to increase her breast size. Then my Mom "ruins" it.

Chargers?!

A while ago I did an entry about shams, those decorative pillows that sit behind the real pillows that you're not supposed to use for some reason. So last week I learned about "chargers."

For you uninitiated, charger plates are the sham of the dinner table; they're oversized plates that sit under the real plates and are removed as soon as food is served. One website even said that "there are metal, card, papier maché, rattan and even leather charger plates."


I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: What the hell. Who needs a decorative, non-usable plate under your real plate? Are your real plates not nice enough? Why create another thing for a host to deal with on top of serving the food and entertaining the guests?

So many questions. Oh chargers, why do you exist?




Next week, we'll cover decorative pants you're not supposed to wear and decorative windows that you're not supposed to look out of.

And Now For Some Slug Porn

I bet you didn't wake up this morning thinking you'd see slugs fucking today. But the universe deals out the cards any which way, and so here we are.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Megashark Versus Giant Octopus, Starring Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas

It's easy to see "Megashark Versus Giant Octopus" as a metaphor for Debbie Gibson's career versus Lorenzo Lamas' career. You have two prehistoric behemoths duking it out– one with a killer instinct for conquering, the other a multi-talented presence designed to expand and capture its prey. Locked in a struggle for dominance before a surprised public who doesn't want either of them there.






























It's here that Debbie Gibson meets the Japanese researcher. Looks like the director intended there to be "sparks" from their first meeting, but it ends up being just a creepy pause.









The following is a line from the movie, verbatim:
"The polar ice caps are melting, and maybe this is our comeuppance." -Debbie Gibson














And here is your standard, by-the-numbers research montage:
(I'm sure they got a lot accomplished with armed guards patrolling the lab)





Only In My Dreams:
















You would think that two animals the size of Detroit would show up on people's radars, but they gave EVERYONE the slip ALL THE TIME.












The radar display interested me, so I looked up Acurex to see if it were a real company. It is.








Overall grade: F