New Jersey Train Stop Vs. Fishermans Wharf in San Fran

I'm sure some film majors could read a lot into this.

Salivary Disturbing.

Over the years, I've noticed some people have a "wet mouth," meaning they always look like their lips are red and shiny. It gives me the impression that they've just finished a giant red popsicle.

A short list of celebrities who have a "Wet Mouth:"

•Macaulay Culkin


• that ginger kid from "Harry Potter"
• ESPN Fantasy Sports analyst Matthew Berry
• Gene Simmons (even when not doing the tongue thing)


• Jim Bakker
• every actress who played that blonde girl in "Atonement"
• both "Coreys"


• Kirk Cameron
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Ewan McGregor
• Beck


• Juliette Lewis



Do you know any other wetmouths?

Whoop That Trick! Eat That Dick!

Today was a great day for Joel. He straightened out all the kinks from a recent tax return fiasco (see the Feb 13 entry, "Dick -------------> Joel"), and he had some extra free time to do some errands and eat some spare dick.

Between picking up the dry cleaning and returning a Blockbuster movie, Joel happened upon one of those roadside rose stands. As everyone knows, those rose stands are run by Moonies. Joel had somehow forgotten that important fact, however, and wandered into the lair of Sun Myung Moon. Within minutes, people were trying to recruit Joel into their gentle cult.

Only into the eighth brochure did Joel realize his predicament. But like the aikido master that he is, he promised that he would join if they gave him a dozen roses and allowed him to eat five of their members' members. The Moonies bought it, and Joel sucked it. He hightailed it out of there in his PT Cruiser, giving the finger to those cult saps and yelling "SEE YA, SUCKAS!!!"

It was a good day.

(pictured above, a Hot Topic shopping spree in Schaumburg is rendered 10,000% more gangsta)