A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Jordan at the Otto Cases kiosk in the Manchester Square Shopping Center in Manchester Square, VT 

• That bitch at Auntie Anne's never gives me free pretzels.

• Every time I see someone walking around with a phone without a case, I go into a BLIND RAGE

• And to think, Mom considers me the *successful* brother. LOL

Daniel at the VR360 kiosk in the Ashland Plaza Mall in Ashland, OR

• I bet I could orgasm without touching myself

• Is Sherri Shepherd from "The View" single?

• Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Trish and Gail at the Got Candy? kiosk in the Fayette Mall in Lexington, KY

• I could totally steal her man. (Trish)

• I could totally steal her man. (Gail)

• Old people shouldn't drive.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Get Premature Gray Out Of Your Beard

Let's say you're fairly young, but you're already finding gray hairs in your beard. Beard whitening/greying or other conditions like alopecia barbae, occurs because of malfunctioning in body's hormonal system along with nutrition imbalance. The major cause of beard whitening is "improper melanin pigmentation".  So here are ways to reverse that graying in your beard:

Step 1: Drink aloe vera juice (50ml) daily morning empty stomach, do not eat or drink anything up to 1/2 hour after this. Also don't go for costly aloe vera juices in stores– they contain preservatives which are harmful. You can try local ones like patanjali, and it's best if you prepare at home.

Step 2: Vitamin B12, Vitamin D and D aspartic acid are key players for melanin, so just find and consume foods that contain these.

Step 3: It might sound weird but true: visit any path lab and test for your testosterone level : just a simple blood check up and you'll know it out, it should ideally be above 300ng/dl. If it is found below this, then you might need to see a doctor.

And speaking of doctors, I once had that woman Dr. Laura in my limo, but I thought she was Barbara Walters. She seemed insulted by that, which I don't understand.

Be safe, kids! 

There's Pointless, and Then There's Pointless.

Do you know anyone who works in the food service industry who enjoys playing games like Diner Dash? I don't. I can't imagine someone spending 9+ hours slinging hash for bitchy, demanding customers only to come home and do the same thing for free in their spare time. Frankly, I don't get the allure of these types of games in the first place. Seems like kind of pointless, thankless busywork... Hold up. It's my turn in Words With Friends. Gotta go. Sorry, later!

I Think That I Shall Never See. A Poem Lovely As a Pathmark.

 

The ProofrEADJer: Early April Edition

Let's Say Goodbye To All The Stuff Marketers Are Telling Us To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye! *kiss*

Upcoming Feature Films Based on Air Freshener Names

Hollywood, now completely out of ideas, continues to scour every last part of the modern world for movie script sources–the latest being the air freshener aisle at your local CVS. Major movie studios are in fact in a bidding war for the rights to the different air freshener flavors to release as movies. Here are the latest upcoming titles:

"Fresh-Pressed Apple" starring Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and Gillian Jacobs.

Two rival apple farmers go to war over the heart of an attractive young horticulturist who just moved into town. Directed by Adam McKay.

"Linen Escape" starring Megan Fox, Adam Scott and Don Cheadle

A blanket businessman (Cheadle) is confronted by two criminals (Fox and Scott) who are trying to use his credentials to rob the bedding convention he's attending. Also starring Ed Helms as the CEO of MyPillow.

"Elegant Amber & Oud" starring Rami Malek and Amber Heard

This sweeping cross-cultural romance stars Malek as Oud who woos Amber (Heard) with his impressive stringed instrument technique. Set in the romantic Saudi city of Tabuk, it captures the beauty and wonder of Arabic nightlife as experienced by a basic white girl.

"Blue Odyssey" starring Jeremy Renner, Viola Davis and Don Johnson

A charter boat captain (Renner) is paid a small fortune to take a mysterious woman (Davis) to an off-the-map island, no questions asked. He quickly finds himself in a web of intrigue involving the mafia, NASA, the Pillsbury Doughboy (voiced by Don Johnson) and fourteen Del Taco workers. Rated R

"Mediterranean Lavender" starring Kate Hudson, Emily Browning and Regina King

 A bachelorette party in Barcelona goes off the rails when the club they're partying in gets taken over by ecoterrorists, headed by Peter Stormare. They make weapons out of what they have on hand–champagne glasses, silverware, and a giant joke dildo–to fight back. Rated PG-13 for language and a giant joke dildo.

"Blood Orange" starring Zendaya, Emma Roberts, Ansel Elgort and Robert Pattinson

A remote orange farm in the town of Limeira, Brazil is the setting for this moody, dark murder mystery. A farmer's daughter is found murdered, and her fiancé has no alibi, but there's more to this story... Soundtrack by Tati Zaqui and Kevinho.

"Aqua Exhilaration" starring Zac Efron, Mckenna Grace, John Boyega and Zoë Kravitz

Four carefree dumbasses sit in a parking lot throwing water at each other. Running time: 150 minutes