Some Movie Ideas Culled From the Names of Carnival Rides at the Jersey Shore

Hollywood has exhausted all original and adapted content, turning everything from Shakespearean plays, comic strips and even "reading is fun" posters in school libraries into full length feature films. Desperate, the major studios have recently turned to a placard at the Jersey Shore that tells you how much rides cost for the latest crop of blockbuster properties:

***Already made into movies: Carousel, Bounce, Convoy, Train, Tornado, Moby Dick.

"Motor Jumps" starring Kelly Preston, Justin Theroux, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and Hugh Jackman

A BMX pro racer (Jackman) must prove he can still compete with younger, more extreme competitors. Kelly Preston plays his wife/manager who gets him on the right course to positive thinking and BMX winning!

"Samba Balloons" starring Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara, Scarlett Johansson and Kat Dennings
Directed by Paul Verhoeven
(No plot needed)

"Wave Swinger" starring French Stewart, Joseph Gordon Leavitt, John Lithgow, Kristen Johnston, and Jane Curtin. Directed by Fred Savage
This prequel to "3rd Rock From The Sun" features all the original cast, whose performances were motion captured and rendered to look a lot younger. SEE FRENCH STEWART GESTICULATE IN IMAX 3D!!!!!!

"Dizzy Dragons" starring Josh Hutcherson, Teresa Palmer and Gretchen Mol. Directed by Atom Egoyan
This tragic drug-addiction drama follows three young people who turn to heroin after the Sharper Image store they work for closes down. Michael Ironside plays the stoic but concerned strip mall manager "Mikey."

"Bulgy" starring Johnny Depp. This musical version of the recent gangster movie "Black Mass" chronicles the ups and downs of Whitey Bulger's criminal career in song. Music by Stephen Sondheim. Lyrics by Slash.

I Can't FATHOM Who Would Watch This Crap (Get It?)

If you've ever been in an AMC movie theatre, you've probably seen ads for "Fathom Events," which apparently involves watching live events (like operas, plays, and concerts) that are located elsewhere on your local movie screen. So, for example, instead of seeing "La Boheme" at the Met, you can watch that same opera at a "Fathom Event" in a shitty, cola-stained screen at the AMC Riverdale 27. Why anyone would prefer this method over watching anything live is beyond me. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and list a few:


• You can finally watch Violetta Valery in "La Traviata" without having to change out of your "Who Farted?" t-shirt.

• A Red Hot Chili Peppers concert is finally enjoyable without that Flea smell.

• You can heckle a presentation of Neil Simon's "The Good Doctor" without any repercussions.

• It's way easier to videotape a bootleg show of The Jonas Brothers live when you're in a theatre.

• Now you can sneak into "Merchant Of Venice" right after watching "Zookeeper."

• Actors' pores.

• Wait, Twizzlers AND an Emmylou Harris concert? Fucking PINCH ME!

• Your disapproving mother who's convinced you're trying to be all highfalutin with yer culturin' and carryin' on with The Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet will be convinced you're not watching the Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet.

• Even if all those vicious rumors about bedbugs infesting the seats of the Kennedy Theatre were false, you wouldn't have to worry about it.

• You haven't experienced a Yo Yo Ma concert until you can hear explosions from a Jason Statham movie bleeding in from next door.

• See? Sioux Falls, South Dakota is a hub of culture and the arts!

• When you text your stupid bullshit texts during any *live* concert, not enough people around you get annoyed.

EADJ Crappinema Recap, Or Recrappinema

Sorry about doing yet another entry about "Ten Inch Hero," but this is part of the process:


"Ten Inch Hero" falls squarely behind "My Boys Are Good Boys" as the third most "enjoyable" movie that we've reviewed on the Crappinema, which is quite an accomplishment. Part of this can be attributed to the huge amount of things to make fun of, and another part is the presence of tits, two things not usually seen in romantic comedies, except for maybe "The Wedding Crashers."

And since we're on the subject of the EADJ Crappinema, some of you may be wondering why we don't review horror movies. Well, the thing is, horror movies are so formulaicly done and almost always inherently bad to begin with, so to make fun of them would be an exercise in futility. As opposed to "Ten Inch Hero," which is totally not a waste of time.