This Portion of EADJ Was Brought To You By Cole Slaw

Cole slaw. The side accompanying your favorite food that you never asked for.

Cole slaw. A slightly more edible garnish than parsley.

Cole slaw. It tastes even worse than you expected.

Cole slaw. Not cabbage's finest hour.

Cole slaw. Somehow a Southern barbecue staple.

Cole slaw. It's Sweet?! Ewwww.

Truck Bed Felt Goofy

Truck Bed felt goofy.

Hair Band and Pebbles laughed it off.

Basketball Hoop was furious about it.

Monitors and Mural was fearful about it.

Twigs on the Sidewalk felt deeply satisfied.

Latest Lineup Roster for VidCon US 2024!!!!!

Social media's biggest collection of influencers, vloggers and useless dipshits luminaries will grace the stage at VidCon US 2024 next month. Here are the latest appearances scheduled: 

• Jake Paul and Logan Paul will fight over the last Hot Pocket in the freezer

• Viral ukulele player Sondra Gash will play the entire catalog of Pink Floyd on the convention hall roof, rain or shine

• Liam Kyle Sullivan, the creator responsible for the 2006 viral video "Shoes", will celebrate his 80th birthday

• Virtual influencer "Skynet" will make a big announcement

• Manosphere podcasters Joe T & Buck will oil up and shave each other onstage to show how straight they are

• The Drake/Kendrick Lamar beef explodes when their respective caterers face off

• 4-hour "In Memoriam" montage for all the Instagrammers who died doing something stupid

The ProofrEADJer: End of June Edition

What do you call a chicken without any I's?

Please do not push Michael Buble.

UAG

Kickstarter's Newest Crowdfunded Projects

Kickstarter has announced another round of projects on their website that have successfully met crowdfunded goals. Here are the latest greenlit offerings:

• A tape measure that second guesses itself

• A gas-powered label maker for people who want to label things but don't want it to be too convenient

• Gummi Pringles

• A Kerry Washington memorabilia container to hold all the Kerry Washington memorabilia you've collected over the last few Kerry Washington years

• Hypoallergenic makeup for your 7 year old beauty pageant contestant who is just not applying herself and is GOING TO FUCKING LOSE AGAIN THIS YEAR

• A cheaper, easier crowdfunding website that puts Kickstarter to shame! (Update: CANCELLED)

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's talented group of writers are always working on the next batshit crazy conspiracies to float into the InfoWars toilet bowl. Here are their latest new stories:

• Andersen Windows partners with CIA agents to spy on you after their bay window installations

• Joe Biden's handlers meet regularly to coordinate and manufacture his empathy, morality and sense of humor

• NO PULP orange juice is contaminated with trans baby stem cells

• Corporations get rid of toxic waste by hiding them inside all pride rainbow merchandise at Target

• Hillary Clinton has secretly been working as President behind the scenes since her birth in 1947

• No Kardashian really exists. They're all A.I. driven animations (okay, I believe that one)

A Shopping Cart Gripe

I have a serious peeve with people doing this with their shopping carts–  fucking dragging it behind you like a corpse on wheels instead of pushing it.

I don't know why they do it. It makes it LESS maneuverable in a store. You're constantly in danger of having a wheel hit you on the ankle. And it takes twice as much room. 

Probably people do this so they can have one hand free to text their dumb friends. IM SHOPING FOR TOLET PAPR

Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Push your carts, dimwits. 

"Never Make a Defense or Apology Before You Are Pathmark."

 

A Message From The Lettuce In Your Salad

Hey. I know you're about to enjoy this salad that I'm in, but I just wanted to get this out before you start:

You can't escape me. 

I mean it. You can't avoid me. You can add shredded chicken, cheese, cherry tomatoes, croutons... whatever, I don't care. Knock yourself out. But you can't get away from lettuce. I AM THE SALAD.

You can drench me in dressing. You can sprinkle bacon bits. You can even throw a hard boiled egg in there, I don't give a shit. All that extra stuff will be happily devoured by you, but you will still be facing ME when it's over. I'll be seeing you.

Hahahahaha look at me at the bottom of the bowl! I told you! I AM INEVITABLE.

Trouble At Target

Spotted at Target, somebody punched a poster of an infant in the crotch.

UAG

Updated Schedule For VidCon 2023

Social media's biggest "stars" are coming together later this month to VidCon, and tickets are selling like hotcakes! But last minute line-up changes have shifted the featured guest schedule. Here are the newest additions:

• Reaction video star Gakey Wong will be mugging and gawking from the side of the stage without giving credit to whoever is onstage

• As per usual, Yammo and Queediddly will be assaulting and harassing random people, claiming that they're "pranks"

• Anime superstar Hokusansa will be possessing a lucky fan's body to enter the real world

• Justin Bieber will return to his early YouTube roots and will perform a song that nobody watches

• A bunch of manosphere podcasters will appear onstage and start arguing and making out with each other

Fringe Backdrop

A Deli's Infuriating Lack Of A Line

You walk into a South Orange deli and you see this scattershot bullshit of people kind of in line and others standing near where the line is, but you have no idea who has ordered already. How can you tell? 

Today we break down what everyone in this deli was up to:

1) Couple was CLEARLY ORDERING. We know that. Good.

2) Guy was standing off to the side, NOT behind the couple, so he's probably ordered already or is a DoorDasher waiting for a takeout order.

3) Top knot lady is sort of in line but not directly behind the others. So of all these people, she's the one that you really can't tell whether she's ordered or knot.

4) Guy just facing the area from afar has probably NOT ordered yet but hasn't taken the initiative to get in a REAL FUCKING LINE.

So frustrating trying to read this amorphous crowd. How do you New Yorkers in bodegas do it?

"Life is Really Simple, But We Insist on Making It Pathmark."

 

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Floated by InfoWars

Alex Jones, his toupee, and his group of talented writers are all working on the next batch of news stories conspiracy theories for their listeners. Here are the latest:

• The government is creating a national "postal service" where they will have government agents deliver mail TO YOUR HOME.

• Shrinky Dinks, when baked in the oven, released toxic chemicals into your kitchen to make you vote Democrat

• Taco Bell Cinnamon Crispas weren't a real Mexican dessert item. THEY WERE INVENTED BY PEPSICO

• Our staff did some research after listening to The Boomtown Rats and found out Boomtown does not exist, so those rats lied about where they're from

• In the Highlights Magazine segment "Goofus & Gallant", it turns out GOOFUS was the good guy all along!!!!!

• When you get a cramp in your leg while taking a shit, that's just Jesus saying "wassup" to you

Raining Blood and Containing Bud

Spotted on FB, a Slayer + Igloo product tie-in:

Fancy a refreshing beverage whilst burning in Hell?

Spotted In South Orange

An event space for people who want it catered by the Little Rascals: 

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition