More Perks Offered to the AMC Stubs Rewards Members

The runaway popularity of AMC's Stubs rewards program is proof that going to the theatre is NOT dead! AMC continues to add new perks every week for current and new Stubs cardholders. Here are the latest:

• First dibs on pornographically-shaped promotional popcorn buckets

• A physical Stubs membership card that you can put in your *wallet* (people over 40 only)

• Permission to run a long hose from the fountain drink machine all the way to your mouth in Theatre 8

• Professional foot rubs by our custodial staff

• Our employees at the concession stand have been instructed NOT to talk about when their next break will be around you

• Our manager will explain to you why the video of Nicole Kidman talking about how great going to the movies is shows her alone in a theatre

UAG Update

An IM I got recently from my friend Tom: 

"Life is Too Short to Live with Regrets– Make the Most Out of Every Pathmark."

The Newest Scheduled Appearances at the Upcoming VidCon '24

The massively successful VidCon US is back with another amazing roster of influencers, online personalities, and other anonymous randos who just happen to own a smart phone. Here are the latest social luminaries that will be there:

• TikTok cooking instructor Kalley Hossus will explain why she isn't legally liable for the 300+ deaths after her latest cooking video.

• 12 year old influencer JEFF2YA will fight retired kickboxer Rick Roufus to the death.

• Olivia Rodrigo's limo will reportedly drive by the convention center.

• Instagram impressionist #ImpressionistDaniel will perfectly mimic a bunch of online personalities you don't know, but trust him— they're UNCANNY!

• The struggling garage band whose obscure hit trended on TikTok for about three days a month ago will be SELLING THEIR CDS in the parking lot.

Spotted On A Morning Walk

Friggin' terrifying.

🤦

Pictured below, Saks communicates to out-of-touch rich people that they too are out-of-touch and are perfect for them.

Say Goodbye To Some Shit!

 

Good-bye! Goodbye! So long! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Maximum Effort

Spotted on social media: with double movie/product tie-ins, we have achieve peak Ryan Reynolds saturation. 

Shake What The Lord Gave Ya

Yesterday in the ProofrEADJer we had an entry advertising a "Christian tambourine." Let's look more into this, shall we?

TWO WAYS OF PLAYING! This ad helpfully demonstrates how you can both SHAKE the damn thing or HIT the damn thing with your other hand. TWO WAYS, PEOPLE! PRAISE JESUS! Unmute that shit to hear the glory and the power!

But with this exuberance comes caution. Churchgoers are encouraged to play the tambourine BUT they must take care NOT TO DROP it on the ground, as that would break a bell piece off the damn thing.

This was, of course, a warning that the Christian tambourine company's attorneys insisted they include in the ad. Angry customers cannot claim that the tambourine is shoddy if they have been forewarned not to drop it during their Hallelujahs.

The ProofrEADJer: End of May Edition

"It Takes Pathmark To Grow Up and Become Who You Really Are."

And this one is subtle:

This Is Real.

Spotted in a safety insert on a United flight:

United asks only Gen X dads to keep their safety belt on at all times.

"It's cool! No one will ever notice!"

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop, PART TWO

In a stunning, unprecedented development, the big five studios are STILL claiming and developing movies based on the Wing Stop flavor menu from two days ago.

Here are the latest greenlit projects:

"KNOW THEM LOVE THEM" starring Julianne Moore, Letitia Wright and WWE wrestler Alexa Bliss

A retired teacher (Moore) moves to a small midwestern town, only to find that the women have been second class citizens since the 60s. She shows them through a spectacular PowerPoint deck how far the rest of the country has come. 

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"Atomic Cajun" (a combination of Atomic and Cajun) starring Zazie Beetz

From the director of "Bullet Train", Beetz plays an Acadian farmer who discovers nuclear waste in her end of the swamp. It transforms her into a super strong martial artist who can take revenge on the corporation that polluted her home. Also starring Zac Efron as CEO Gurney Tamblon.

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"Spicy Korean Q" starring John Cho, Lee Hung Si, and Sung Kang

A mysterious conspiracy website invites a gang of South Korean government agents to the U.S. to track down the real Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and Mothman, all government experiments gone wrong. But is the website just some kid in his basement? It's a conspiracy comedy in the vein of "Burn After Reading" and "The Men Who Stare At Goats". "Parasite" director Bong Joon-Ho has been attached.

Soundtrack by BTS, BLACKPINK, EXO, BIGBANG, and GOT7

Where are the MTV Veejay's Now?

Well, we know Daisy Fuentes is still promoting stuff.

Okay, to be fair, Martha Quinn, Alan Hunter, Mark Goodman, and Dan Cortez don't have their own brand of lobby broom and dustpan set. You go, Daisy!

 

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based on the Flavors at Wing Stop (*WITH SPECIAL GUEST*)

It's no secret that Hollywood is all out of ideas. Scriptwriters are looking everywhere for some sort of property to turn into a hit movie. The biggest five studios—Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros, Disney and Sony—have now looked to the flavor menu at Wing Stop for inspiration to their next box office hit.

Here are the movie projects that are already in development:

"Garlic Parmesan" by DreamWorks Animation

A grouchy sprig of Garlic (voiced by Ryan Gosling) trapped in a pizzeria learns the value of teamwork and community as he meets Pepperoni (Katt Williams), Mozzarella (Kristen Wiig), Mushrooms (Kevin Hart and Peter Dinklage) and the oftentimes unwelcome Pineapple (Dane Cook).

 ----------

"Mild" starring Alexandra Daddario, Anthony Mackie and Jesse Plemons

The spicy food craze comes to a halt when two food scientists (Daddario and Mackie) accidentally create an addictive new mild spice to add to everything from salads to short ribs. Plemons stars as the FDA agent hellbent on stopping them. A hilarious romp but also an important think-piece about addiction and responsible sourcing. Directed by Adam McKay

 ----------

"Mango Habanero" starring Diego Luna, Benjamin Bratt and Jamie Foxx

A high-stakes prisoner race across the Southwest U.S. where the winner earns their freedom and the losers get executed. Set in the NEAR FUTURE. Also starring Kate Mara as the evil warden.

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The following entry was guest written by ANDREW GALL:

"Louisiana Rub"

The "Louisiana Rub” is the story of local barkeep Marcus Reed (Daniel Kaluuya) and jazz singer Elise DuBois (Zoe Saldana), whose fiery performances at the jazz club are as spicy as the city’s cuisine. As passions and secrets blend, the two must navigate through personal and professional conflicts. Directed by Ava DuVernay.

Unintentional Exquisite Corpse

Spotted on reddit, a pair of thumbnails that create a creature with two heads and four legs:

Even More New Perks For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

AMC's Stubs Rewards program continues to dominate all other moviegoing rewards programs thanks to its ever-changing list of benefits and perks. Here are the latest rewards you can expect as a member:

• Free tickets to advance screening of movies that will probably bomb anyway

• We will fill your popcorn bucket with hot nacho cheese so you can dump it over the head of anyone you think is being too loud

• Unlimited Blockbuster Video rentals

• We won't throw any hooker in the theatre if she says she's with you

• Free refills for Mark Cuban (not you)

• If you're traumatized by any particular movie, we will carry you home, bathe you, dress you in warm flannel pajamas and rock you gently to sleep

• AMC has added a SKIP button on all movie trailers so you can skip them

UAG

The Drake/Kendrick Rap Beef Explained— Sponsored by Utz

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Saying Goodbye To 4 Things and Declaring a Fatwah On One

Goodbye! Farewell! Bye! Good bye!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. "DEATH TO brain fog?" Jesus. Harsh much, Mud copywriter? At the very least, you don't want to put the word "death" and "brain" in the same sentence when you're talking about a consumable. That gives people jitters.