Happy Halloween 2024 From Eat A Dick Joel!

Have fun! Don't overeat your candy, and drive carefully, because there are kids in the streets wearing dark colors with their vision impaired by masks with small eyeholes!

ProofrEADJer: End of October Edition

UAG

"Nature Does Not Hurry, Yet Pathmark is Accomplished."

Episode Synopses From Last Week's Chicago ___________

Chicago P.D.

S8E06 "Paris Is Churning"

Officer Hargraves gets his foot stuck in a bilko door. Katherine seizes power of the break room. Detective Octavio reminisces about meeting last year's arrest quota.

Chicago Med

S6E11 "Upon Whose Crown"

Doctor Langford swaps patients with a resident, with both fatal and hilarious results. Jameel unveils his new "triple blind" management style. A delirious ER patient damages every car in the parking lot with his dong.

Chicago Fire

S10E02 "Sideways March"

Wrigleyville burns down because of a stray hot dog fire. Chief Welwood finds a way to wear his overalls without pinching his gigantic penis. Sarah and Gideon make peace with their Libertarian neighbors.

You Gotta Admire The Man

Snoop Dogg has always been hustling, from Hustler porn videos to kids' breakfast cereal. Respect!

UAG

EADJ Pun Police: Space Precinct Edition

"Gear up, space LEOs! It's time for you beat cops to do some patrol work and weed out any insidious puns that you find in this sector of Moon 562. Get to it, officers!"

"Gee, that's painful. But a misdemeanor at worst. Issue a ticket and carry on."

"'WineDown'? That is BAD. A real 4-80 groaner pun there. Take them into custody and maybe let them spend some time in the cooler to think about what they've done."

"Okay, Officer Cybo-3 tracked this one down on the restaurant platform. 'STEAK ME HOME TONIGHT' is egregious. Plus it forces me to hum Eddie Money, so that's a felony."

"Oh, another one from the SAME restaurant? Okay, bring out the paddywagon ship. We're hauling everyone in there to the clink."

"Red alert! We have a code black situation on the restaurant platform! The entire menu is full of horrible seafood puns! Put up the barricades, lock the whole block down! God help us all!"

A Message From a Potential Employer

A chat on my phone:

Sushi? SUSHI?

What Say You We All Say Goodbye To Stuff In Advertising!

Goodbye! Good bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Spotted at Target

 National Geographic presents a Glow-in-The-Dark Crystal Lab:

Sure, Nat Geo. Let's introduce our kids to the concept of cooking CRYSTAL in a LAB. 

"I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!"

EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Autumn '24 Collection

Walter displays the always recognizable work-from-home look.

Trevor cleverly uses the inside of his hoodie as an impromptu prayer tent, much to the chagrin of the man behind him.

Christ Jesus. Who wears this to Home Depot?!

A natural pairing with denim and leggings? STORMTROOPER BOOTS!

Perfect. No notes.

Spotted in South Orange

A bench in front of Stop & Shop:

What happened here?

What is that orange smudge on the bench?

Where's the rest of the trombone?

Hello? 

EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

Smiley Gripper parlayed his short NFL career into becoming one of the most recognizable hosts on TV. The 300 lb. former running back has been the brilliant cohost of "The Voice" for three seasons and counting.

Author Sumo Mandarins is back after a 10 year hiatus from writing. This time, Mandarins tackles the trendy "Romantasy" genre and turns it on its head, spoofing both the romance and fantasy genres with a surprising tale about a man with a dachshund head falling in love with a purple horned woman who works at the space DMV. Classic Mandarins!

Michelin star acclaimed sous-chef Ropa Elegante dropped from public view after the chicken tartare incident in 2015. She currently breeds miniature buffalo in North Dakota under the alias "Flap Gracious."

Fiisto Coucha was one of the foremost mixed martial artists in the early 2010s but quickly disappeared in shame after a dummy leg was discovered in his locker room at Rumblecage 2012. Coucha now sells powdered breakfast shakes on his website couchashake.net.

And Now, A Word From Today's Sponsor

EADJ has been brought to you by SPONCH by Marinela.

SPONCH. Marshmallow Cookies Coconut and Strawberry. The perfect way to relax and enjoy some assorted random ingredients at the same time.

SPONCH. Making others who see you eating it wonder, WTF?

SPONCH. It's part marshmallow, part cookie, almost totally coconut, and just barely strawberry. SPONCH.

SPONCH. Available at all HUSKY, DAWPANNISH, and RITE LAW™ stores today.

"A Pathmark That is Not Dangerous is Unworthy of Being Called a Pathmark At All."

Upcoming Exhibitors at the 2024 Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) launches next Tuesday, and EADJ has the scoop on the rumored exhibitors this year. Here is who's expected to appear at the convention:

• LG announces a wind powered clothes dryer

• A green-ray DVD player? Hey, why the hell not?

• One of those chairs that vibrates you so well that you orgasm

• A cell phone with a signal so good that it also works on the subway (previously only available to the most annoying people ever)

• An air fryer that doesn't talk back to you

• Finally, a light switch that turns on the switch that you meant to turn on in the first place, goddammit

Hollywood Trend: Action Movies and Shows Named After Mundane Occupations!