Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

2012-02-02T13:44:00.006-05:00

Pictured below, some guy on the train tries to find the end of some thread on a spool.

An IM Convo

2012-02-01T12:11:00.002-05:00

Submitted by Tom Weingard:

A Special Pre-Valentines Day Message From Cement Bird

2012-01-31T12:29:00.005-05:00

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: cialis@2934.kadsf.tv
To: mailinglist@mindspring.com
Sent: Mon, January 9, 2012 9:28:55 PM
Subject: Fw: [Fwd: INSPIRING PHOTOS!!!!!]

THIS IS WONDERFUL. GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.
The irony of these beautiful photos is that we may never have seen them if the artist hadn't died prematurely at age 57 when his plane crashed on February 6th, 2010.
Carlos Alberto was from Mendoza, Peru, one of the provinces next to the Andes. absolutely magnificent photos
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Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

EADJ Explains What's New About The Revised Catholic Mass Texts

2012-01-30T12:37:00.009-05:00

Unless you've been a Catholic living under a rock or a non-Catholic, or a Catholic who hasn't attended church in a while which sounds like a whole lot of Catholics I know, you may have noticed that many of the words you've recited mindlessly by rote all your life in Mass have changed since November of last year.

"What's the dilly, yo?" you may ask your priest. The answer is that your Mass is still the same but features new translations of prayers from Latin to English. And since Eat A Dick Joel is your main source of spirituality, here now we highlight the most significant changes in your Mass text:

• "Our Father" now replaced with lyrics from the opening credits for "Land of the Lost"

• The Nicene Creed is now more Niceney.

• The Apostle's Creed is now required by law to be recited alongside a member from Creed (it doesn't have to be Scott Stapp).

• When the priest says "The Lord be with you," you can now say "Ditto."

• General Intercessions now include a common prayer for Katherine Heigl to stop making movies.

• For the first time ever, worshippers are allowed to enjoy a Snickers bar during the service.

• The Epiclesis is explained in better detail during the Anamnesis.

• The Recessional hymn is interrupted by a referee's whistle if anyone tries to leave their pew before the last verse.

Fortunately, the dress code in church has stayed the same:

Coming Soon to Toys R Us: The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit!

2012-01-27T14:44:00.004-05:00

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit by Toomy Toy is a great new way for kids who are fans of the "CSI" crime investigation TV franchise to practice being surly forensic lab technicians while the cool kids go run outside with guns and badges!

What better way for computer geeks, science fair geeks, and overweight kids to imagine themselves all grown up and doing the "shit work" of matching DNA from a hooker's missing toe to spattered blood on a district attorney's office wall!

Relive episode 5.3 of "CSI: Miami" where a faceless and soulless lab assistant tells David Caruso that the fingerprints on the stolen gun does NOT match those found on the glass shards in that dead bison's backside!

Have your kids deliver insipid lines like:

"I've swabbed the interior of the suspect's van and found no incendiary residue!"

"The crime scene was contaminated by curious campers, so we'll never get a clear boot print!"

"As a forensic pathologist, I can say with certainty that a bear did not decapitate the mayor!"

"I've cross-referenced the sweat from this headband with the DNA of every member of the state legislature. And nothing!"

"This is a rare breed of caterpillar found only in the southwest region of Jakarta... What can I say? I love bugs!"

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit will be on shelves early April, just in time for this year's Arbor Day!

Come On Now, Marc

2012-01-26T11:31:00.003-05:00

Put down the goddamned cell phone for one second so we can have a photo of you for this ad in a diner placemat.

Oh, you want to be seen on the phone to demonstrate that you're always working? Good idea, Marc.

But don't you want to straighten you're tie since you're... oh, you're still on the phone? Okay.

Fro Goodness Sake, Part 2

2012-01-25T00:34:00.003-05:00

As mentioned before, we've noticed the tendency for advertisers to depict African American women with typically big afros, as if that were the only hairstyle in existence for them. Since then, advertisers have completely changed their ways and show a wide variety of hairdos for black women. Just kidding. Here are more 'fros.

As owner and head manager of Min's Beauty Supply, I find it personally insulting that advertisers cannot embrace the whole spectrum of beautiful hairdos for Nubian princesses: the doobie, the jerri curl, the Fantasia, the huge ups, the bing bong, the Mackenzie Crook, the autopilot, the manassas hangdown, to name just a few.

Until these simpleminded ad agencies expand their view of what we black women look like, this will be a struggle that all of us will have to bear.

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #1

2012-01-24T02:42:00.002-05:00

As he promised, Joel stopped consuming penis to come through with a very passable Mindfreak trick after opening the Criss Angel package we had sent to him last month. Luckily for him, this was a trick he somehow already knew how to perform. We are not going to ask any questions.

Execution: 6.5

Presentation: 7

Criss Angel Factor: 8

Secret Behind The Trick: Flesh-colored plastic thumb cover?

Extra thanks to Joel's girl Jamee for documenting Joel's illusion.

The ProofrEADJer, January Edition

2012-01-23T02:18:00.000-05:00

UAG

2012-01-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

An Imagined Conversation

2012-01-19T10:14:00.002-05:00

"Hey, Dummy."
"Don't call me Dummy. My name is Donnie."
"Hey, Dummy, what's the name of that trucking company we use to haul our auto parts?"
"I keep telling you not to call me that."
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"What's the name of that trucking company, Dummy?"
"Oh. I forget."
"You're useless."
"I do remember that they had a logo of two dolphins fucking."
"I hate you."

Let's Buy Expired Gift Cards For the EADJ Mail Sack!

2012-01-18T09:52:00.001-05:00

Submitted via text from Bill Dow, some true words of wisdom:

Bee Flips!

2012-01-17T14:36:00.005-05:00

If you've ever noticed on the right hand side of this blog, there's a list of our "sister blogs," one of which is called "Bee Flips or Beef Lips." It was a one-joke blog that John Reid and I started way back in 2007 and never updated.

Well, for some reason, called it kismet or karma or coinkidink, I've been spotting a lot of bee flips lately. I sent all these to John, and he proposed that now would be the perfect time to finally update the blog.

I said no. So I'm posting these here on this blog.

Always A Plus

2012-01-13T10:34:00.007-05:00

Whenever a retail store uses the word "beyond," "plus," "more" or "things" in their name, I can't help but be suspicious of their motives. I know that a place named "Lampshades Plus" wants you to know that they specialize in lampshades, but sell more than just that, but who's to say that "plus" doesn't mean black tar heroin? Here now we help decode what these ambiguous terms really mean.

"Beyond" = bullshit that will clutter your already crappy bathroom

"Plus" = underage prostitutes

"More" = unaired episodes of "Boy Meets World"

"Beyond" = fingerpuppets that somehow fit your penis

"Things" = AIDS

"Plus" = an old autographed 8x10 of Dick Cavett

"Things" = merchandise rejected by Bed Bath & Beyond for being too chintzy

This Is An Entry Involving Playbills

2012-01-12T15:53:00.007-05:00

If you're like me and frequent the theatre, you often come home with a Playbill in your pocket- a lovely souvenir program of the delightful live presentation that you just enjoyed that evening.

If you open any Playbill, you'll likely see an ad for the Ultimate Playbill Binder. That way you can save all your Playbills in a handsome leather album that would sit on your bookshelf for your maid to dust every week.

Or, if you'd like, you can bring out the binder when company is around to brag to them that you had seen both "Mamma Mia" and "Rock Of Ages" in the same month. Then, when your friend is put off by how much you brag about your stupid Playbills and storms out, the irony won't hit you that your bookshelf doesn't have any photo albums of friends and instead has rows and rows of useless Playbill albums.

***UNFORTUNATE UPDATE***

Well, apparently we already did this entry. Sorry folks!

Big Mac Snack Wrap

2012-01-11T09:17:00.003-05:00

Oh, Big Mac Snack Wrap,

I'm tired of arguing with you. We've had this back and forth for a while now, and you insist I try you because you're a new take on an old favorite, but I'm pretty sure you're going to be nasty. Can we just agree to disagree?

Sure, Big Mac Snack Wrap, you are a hip update to the classic Big Mac, but is that a good thing? What I'm wondering is, why are you trying to be something you're not? It betrays a lack of self confidence, and I think that's very unbecoming of you.

What, do you think there are hordes of young people out there who turn down a sandwich because they'd rather have a wrap? That the concept of a sandwich is somehow outdated? Just be yourself, for crying out loud. You look like some forty year old guy wearing a hoodie and listening to LMFAO; it's embarrassing.

On top of that, you're totally screwing up your song.

♪ Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a flour tortilla wrap?! ♫

That sucks. And you probably suck. Which is why you gotta stop advertising.

And don't let the success of Taco Bell's Mexican Pizza encourage you, either.

UAG

2012-01-10T11:39:00.000-05:00

* INTERPOL EMERGENCY *

2012-01-09T12:02:00.002-05:00

*** BEGIN TRANSMISSION***

***MON JAN 9 2012•17:05:02 GLOBAL TIME***

ATTENTION ALL AGENTS

THE FOLLOWING WOMAN HAS MISPLACED HER PASSPORT PHOTO IN MANHATTAN
THIS PHOTO IS CRUCIAL TO HER GOING BACK TO INDIA
THE PHOTO WAS LOCATED IN THE KIPS BAY MOVIE THEATRE ON JAN 2 2012:09:17:46 GLOBAL TIME
AS THE PHOTO WAS FOUND IN THE LOBBY, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHICH MOVIE SHE HAD COME TO SEE
WE HAVE NARROWED THE POSSIBLE MOVIES THAT SHE ATTENDED TO THE FOLLOWING:

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL (3D)
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (3D)
WE BOUGHT A ZOO
WAR HORSE
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS
NEW YEAR'S EVE
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
YOUNG ADULT
HUGO (3D)
THE DESCENDANTS

ACTUALLY, IN RETROSPECT, THE WOMAN PROBABLY DID NOT GO TO SEE NEW YEAR'S EVE. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT STEAMING TURD

WE MUST LOCATE THIS WOMAN AND RETURN THE PHOTO TO HER SO THAT SHE CAN VISIT HER HOMELAND OF INDIA

WE ARE NOT BEING RACIST IN ASSUMING THAT SHE IS INDIAN, AS SHE CLEARLY IS WEARING THE TRADITIONAL SARI AND VERMILION BINDI ON HER FOREHEAD

SURE, THAT COULD BE ANOTHER COUNTRY OTHER THAN INDIA BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT, REALLY

AND JUDGING FROM THE EXPRESSION ON HER PHOTO, THIS WOMAN IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT GOING BACK TO HER HOMELAND OF INDIA BUT MUST DO SO OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY TO HER SISTER KADHAPRIYA

BUT SERIOUSLY, NEW YEAR'S EVE.
WHO WOULD GO SEE THAT

DID YOU KNOW?

2012-01-07T15:08:00.004-05:00

Did you know that electrical appliances still draw electricity when they are turned off but plugged in? You did? Oh. Well, aren't you smart, then. Sorry we didn't bring you any information there- we didn't realize we were talking to a genius in the room. Sheez.

Oh no, don't apologize. We don't deserve your apologies. We're sorry we wasted your precious genius time with worthless information. We were trying to be helpful and spread information about conserving energy, but clearly we're lowly, inconsiderate assholes for taking you away from mapping the human genome or fixing the economy or whatever it is you geniuses do. Fuck us.

Hey, how about this. How about we run whatever new electricity conservation information we have by a panel of Jeopardy champions and TED talk speakers, and if none of them have heard those facts before, we'll knock on the Mensa Headquarters where you obviously live and present it to you then. How about that, Chief?

Us? Sarcastic? Where did you get that idea?

UAG

2012-01-06T09:46:00.001-05:00

This Week In Doppelgangers

2012-01-05T00:36:00.001-05:00

A goofy, t-shirt stretching John Carstens,

Intense, painted Andrew Gall,

And ITT Tech-educated sound mixer Phil Flicklicker:

Another Joel Angel Update

2012-01-04T11:15:00.008-05:00

In case any of you were wondering where Joel's video of doing Criss Angel magic tricks is, Joel has assured us that he's working on it.

It turns out that Joel has recently come into possession of a full carwash with his wife. So they have been busy on the up-keep, maintenance and general operation of the carwash. Those of you who watch the excellent show "Breaking Bad" might suspect that Joel is secretly selling meth.

As a token of good faith, Joel has sent us this magic trick "teaser:"

I do believe Joel might have gotten run over by a car after filming this.

Spotted in the NJ Transit Train Station Free Book Library

2012-01-04T10:49:00.003-05:00

Nice tape mark.

Overheard At The Moody Blues Barber Shop

2012-01-03T09:36:00.003-05:00

"Morning."
"Hey there. Take a seat."
"Thanks."
"Okay, so what'll it be?"
(looks at Moody Blues poster)
"I was thinking something between a Lodge and a Thomas."
"What, in length?"
"Yeah. Just basically a medium trim off the top, but part it like a Hayward."
"You realize we don't have a Thomas anymore. Haven't since 2002 when Ray Thomas retired."
"That's too bad. I really like the way the sides are layered and brushed back."
"You can still get that. I can just do an Edge with a shorter length."
"You can do that?"
"Sure. I can do anything in Your Wildest Dreams, right?"
"That's corny."

EADJ Song Hate: "Without You" by David Guetta ft. Usher

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Back in January of 2010 we had a holiday entry that judged a good singer from a bad from the way they enunciated a certain phrase.

Today on EADJ Song Hate, we have an example where a singer not only fails that test but repeats it dozens of times in one song, just poking at your eardrums with his lazy run-on of words that irritates beyond belief.

If you're unfortunate not to have an MP3 or CD player in your car, you've heard this Top Forty hit on the radio at some point in the last few months:

The cornball lyrics go like this:

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

But thanks to Usher's terrible enunciation, this is what you hear:

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without chew, without chew
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without chew, without chew

You hear that? Despite his impressive vocal acrobatics and soulful tremolo, Usher mashes the words "without" and "you" together to make a dripping Sloppy Joe of a lyric. "Without chew."

Now, go back and play that YouTube clip again. That shit will irritate the everbreathing fuck out of you now like it does us.

Normally, here on Song Hate we'd break down why the lyrics are awful or why the melody is annoying, but it's really not the most terrible song in the world without all the "ch" sounds. And we don't even dislike David Guetta or Usher. Although we might have to go back and reconsider a lot of Usher songs.

Um, that's about it. Let's hoist this motherfucker up into the rafters of musicdom and never talk about it again. Dave, Usher, you two are excused.

Hot N' Crusty

2011-12-30T01:36:00.004-05:00

Spotted at Panera Bread, a brochure that features a baker offering you his bread.

Well, not just offering the bread. He's thrusting the bread at you, telling you to take it, yeah, just take all that bread, baby. Take it all in. Ungh. Ungh. Now cup the muffins. Both of them. Yeah, now eat the sourdough bread. Lick the tip. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Yeahhh. Ahhh, the loaf is rising... ahhh... ah.... almost there... I'm... I'm glazing! GAHHHHHH!

No, I don't want to cuddle.

EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

2011-12-30T00:29:00.001-05:00

Eat A Dick Joel recently had the opportunity to sit down with the left nostril of Jillian Michaels, the celebrity fitness trainer from the NBC hit reality show "The Biggest Loser." We interviewed Michaels' left nostril at the Chateau Marmont in Beverly Hills on December 20th.

EADJ: Thanks for sitting down with us.

JMLN: No problem.

EADJ: We've noticed Jillian Michaels isn't with you today.

JMLN: Yes, Jillian is on a media tour promoting the next season of "Losing It With Jillian." I myself had some prior commitments, such as this interview.

EADJ: Well, thank you for that. How has her success affected your relationship with her?

JMLN: (laughs) That's probably the first question I get at every interview. I'm happy for Jillian and don't begrudge her at all. So when people read some of my Tweets (@JillianMichaelsLeftNostril) or overhear me say something about keeping up with her, they automatically think that she and I are on the rocks. That couldn't be anything further from the truth!

EADJ: But you do have your differences...

JMLN: I'm going to just stop you there and say this: when you have two big personalities like hers and mine, you can't help but have a few clashes once in a while. But I realize I'm her left nostril. She can't breathe without me...

EADJ: Actually, she could, from her mouth or her right nostril...

JMLN: (flares) ...My point is that I need her and she needs me. We have a mutual respect for each other and are not staying together just for appearances.

EADJ: I see. So tell us about your own personal projects.

JMLN: Ah, yes. Well, I have my own line of liqueurs and fragrances, and I've just taped a cameo appearance on the NBC show "Whitney."

EADJ: Ooh! I love that show!

JMLN: Also, I'm in talks for the role of the Scarlet Witch in "The Avengers 2" movie (crosses fingers) and I have been asked to ring the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange next month.

EADJ: Wow. It sounds like you do have a full plate.

JMLN: I know, right? Fame is a funny thing. (picks self)

EADJ: Thank you so much for talking to us today! And give Jillian a hug for us!

JMLN:My pleasure! Thank you!

Strait Trippin'

2011-12-29T01:17:00.000-05:00

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.

And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:

I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

Blackberry VI

2011-12-28T13:44:00.010-05:00

A mere 37 days after the EADJ Gallery had acquired a fifth invaluable addition to "The Blackberry Face," they witness a holiday miracle in a much sought-after sixth piece to their already impressive collection: "Doug."

"Doug" was donated by an anonymous private collector who discovered him in a West Elm in Paramus, New Jersey. And unlike four of the previous pieces, "Maggie," "Frank," "Tony," and "Edvard," "Doug" is captured off of any mass transit, instead relaxing on a sofa at the front of the store while his wife picks out wall art or vases or some shit.

With a gala opening and ceremony, the EADJ Gallery will reveal its first ever completed hexaptych on January 4 in the Main Gallery and will be free to the public. The Young Artists Juried Show has accordingly been moved to the East Gallery since it wasn't very good to begin with.

Photography and video recording of any kind will be prohibited. Armed guards will be stationed throughout the show. No food or drink is allowed.

:C

Don't Hate The Giver- Hate The Game.

2011-12-28T13:12:00.001-05:00

I bought my brother a "Chocolate Edition of Clue" for Christmas. I know- weird, right.

We broke it out and played it the other day, and turns out it's just the same ol' game of Clue, but the playing pieces are NOT chocolate sculptures of Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, etc. but instead are a bunch of cheap square chocolates with the names of the weapons, rooms, and suspects on each piece.

Game play aside, I noticed on the back some nutritional information and even an allergy warning:

Depending on the severity your nut or wheat allergies, this might mark the first time that the game Clue could actually kill you. Neat!

Spotted In Penn Station

2011-12-27T22:57:00.003-05:00

Two packages of instant chocolate pudding.

Yeah, two packages of instant chocolate pudding. Just abandoned there, totally free for the taking. Like someone either forgot them there, or somehow intentionally left them there. No, it's chocolate pudding, for crying out loud. Someone definitely forgot them.

Wait, shit. Did I say two packages? I meant THREE packages of instant chocolate pudding. Just sitting there, unclaimed, like it's perfectly natural for three packages to be sitting there with no one around to claim them. What is going on here?! Aren't we in the middle of a crippling recession? Who throws out three packages of perfectly good instant chocolate pudding?!

I'll leave it there over the break, and if it's still there on January 2nd, I'll take it home.

An Imagined Conversation

2011-12-27T22:22:00.005-05:00

Guy 1: Well, these ice cream treats are terrible.

(Guy 1 takes another taste, looks at packaging)

Guy 1: "Nutty peanut butter and cheese flavor?!" No wonder it's so bad.

Guy 2: I have another theory.

Guy 1: Yeah?

Guy 2: Maybe it's the fact that in the top upper left hand corner, it says "ice cream style treats for dogs," you moron.

Guy 1: "Ice cream style treats?!" You mean they're not even real ice cream for dogs?

The ProofrEADJer, Post-Holiday Edition

2011-12-26T01:41:00.000-05:00

The Joel Angel Project Update

2011-12-23T01:42:00.003-05:00

Just over a full month ago, we sent Joel a package of Criss Angel Mindfreak magic tricks for him to learn and perform on video for us. The other day we IM'd Joel to check on whether he's ready to show something or whether he's too busy scarfing down cock to perform a Criss Angel trick (which, when you think about it, are probably the same thing).

Here's proof that we mailed the package to Joel on 11/21/11:

Spotted At The Newark Airport

2011-12-22T13:37:00.002-05:00

Helpful grooming tip: Take care of your unibrow before growing a mustache; otherwise, you end up looking like an equals sign.

=

UAG

2011-12-22T01:41:00.000-05:00

UAG

2011-12-21T13:40:00.001-05:00

Somehow Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

2011-12-20T12:22:00.002-05:00

We pored through our EADJ files and discovered that we have even more off-brand TP to review. Who knew we could pull another entry out of our ass and then drag its abrasive surface over our raw asshole?

Brand: Chalet Premium Quality 2-Ply Tissue
Label: Elegant script font over a ghosted photo of a majestic castle.
Feels Like: Wiping with hot, igneous rock.

Brand: M 1-Ply Recycled Bath Tissue
Label: Four pine trees in a giant "M"
Feels Like: "H"

Brand: Decor Cascades
Label: Blue lettering with an icon of a toilet paper roll. Brilliant.
Feels Like: Wiping with brand new roof shingles.

Brand: Blue Mist Facial Quality 1-Ply
Label: Raining clouds
Feels Like: Your mother-in-law screaming into your asshole.

Brand: Livi VPG
Label: Crazed flock of birds attacking a cursive "L"
Feels Like: Your anus is a hummingbird birdfeeder.

Brand: Regal 2-Ply Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Label: A green coat of arms featuring a lion rampant
Feels Like: A pine cone wipeant.

Brand: CAPRI PREMIUM 2 Ply
Label: Blue flower shower stickers on a wavy background.
Feels Like: Crushed up crab shells glued to an emory board.

Robo Morphers: Less Than Meets The Eye

2011-12-19T04:46:00.001-05:00

As Christmas approaches, tons of blogs and TV shows roll out their annual gift ideas sections, suggesting solar-powered foot massagers or baseball-themed golf accessories and golf-themed baseball accessories. But what most of them ignore is that kids (especially boys) still want only one thing: Transformers.

Yes, undeterred by the failure of "Transformers 2: Rise Of The Fallen" and the underwhelming overwhelming of "Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon," scores of kids still want transforming robots in their lives.

And who can blame them? Shit is awesome. The idea of a truck transforming into a fighting biped robot is almost irresistible to most male brains (except Andy Dick).

But as I was perusing the aisles of K-Mart the other day, I happened upon a cheaper alternative to the famous Autobots:

Sad, right? I felt so bad for this Endcap of Misfit Toys, that I bought three of them to examine what made them special.

Here are some quick clips of what the toys sound like:

Wow, it almost sounds as if the toymakers were too cheap to record three different sounds and just applied the same one to all three.

And... here they come! Robo Morphers: Stay assembled!

BEANSNAPPERS

2011-12-16T04:17:00.008-05:00

Andrew's been sending me shots of ads for this Wisconsin strip joint that he keeps seeing in Chicago. BEANSNAPPERS.

Beansnappers?! What the shit name is that? That either sounds like a farmer's market for kids or a painful procedure that you perform on a woman's clitoris in college.

No word on whether Andrew or Vince have actually been to Beansnappers yet. But it's only a matter of time, right?

Possible explanations for the name "Beansnappers:"

• The club originally started as a processing barn for a nearby farm which grew jumping beans. The jumping beans were often too active and "jumpy" for harvesters to handle and ship, so they had to let the beans "nap" in a quiet, dark barn. When the farm was foreclosed years later, this "beans napper" barn was eventually sold to a sleazy businessman who wanted to start a strip club.

• The original owner of the strip club was a woman named Gidelle Hargrove. She was keenly interested in reptiles and amphibians, particularly her snapping turtle. The club was named "Beantown," after Hargrove's native Boston. One day during the renovation of the club, some lumber fell and crushed her pet turtle to death. Distraught, Hargrove immediately ordered the sign be changed as a tribute to her pet, and "Beansnappers" was born.

• Back in the 70's, when drugs were given crazy names, pills in the Wisconsin area were commonly known as "beans." The strip club was run by the mafia, and strippers there had to pull double duty as both dancers and drug dealers. In their arrogance and hubris, the mafia brazenly named the club "Beansnappers," thinking the local police wouldn't catch on with the name. They did. The club was officially shut down for decades until it was resurrected by three local Mormon missionaries in 2003, who now run the club as a way to pay for bicycle maintenance.

Whatever the origin of that club's stupid name, it seems like they're doing fine with it. I did, however, find a more suitable name for them from a different business the other day:

Visit Beansnappers' website here, you cur.

Jumbo Knob Is Right.

2011-12-15T04:17:00.000-05:00

Look at the big knobs on the Jumbo Knob Puzzle.

Now look that they put one of the big knobs on Farmer Brown's crotch.

Let Dr. Fish Ask YOU Something

2011-12-14T11:35:00.003-05:00

Since previous segments with "Ask Dr. Fish" were so unsuccessful- mainly because Dr. Fish isn't really a doctor, and secondly, he is just a fish– we have turned the tables and let Dr. Fish ask other people any health-related questions.

Dear Hopeless in Havernathy,

You have cysts both behind your knee and within your thyroid gland. What sort of treatments are you undergoing to remedy those problems?

Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

I don't know who you are or how you know this information about me, but it is none of your goddamned business.

Hopeless in Havernathy

-----

Dear Evaline,

Please don't be discouraged about your dry cough and how it's interfering with your studies. Most illnesses related to coughs are self-limited and will cease in 7-10 days with increased humidification and fluid intake, rest, and symptomatic "home remedies." Antibiotics are usually not required. Have you taken the proper precautions to monitor your cough? Could it be the result of when you had viral laryngitis in 2008?

Sincerely,
Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET MY MEDICAL HISTORY?!!!!

Evaline

-----

Dear Thomas English Guffin,

I understand you're 68 and in good health. But for the past year or so, your fingertips have been wrinkling and splitting into small painful cuts--especially your thumb and forefinger. They heal slowly, then reappear. Could that be the result of capillaries collapsing?

Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

[RETURNED MAIL. THERE IS NO ONE AT ADDRESS 'thomasenglishguffin@speed.net' NO OTHER INFORMATION IS GIVEN]

Let's Ask For More Meatballs To Go With Our EADJ Mail Sack But Complain When They Charge Us Extra For It!

2011-12-13T12:32:00.005-05:00

This entry comes to us from Tom Weingard via IM:

This marks the first instance I've seen of a sports dong.

And I would imagine that a sports dong is stronger and lasts longer than your conventional weather dong.

But I think we're ignoring the real news here: Tom has the hots for Jenna Dewan.

Something I've Noticed And A Possible Theory

2011-12-12T06:23:00.001-05:00

If you've been Christmas shopping lately, you might have noticed a certain pattern of speech in a lot of retail windows.

It seems like a bunch of places are no longer using complete, coherent sentences and instead just throwing words like "Joy" or "Merry" or "Give" together.

My theory about this new practice goes like this: retailers shied away from saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" because they don't want to alienate anybody. But they also feel like saying "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" is too common or pedestrian– something your local muffler shop would say– so they invent new expressions, using seasonal keywords to conjure up "SHARE DELIGHT" or "UNWRAP ENCHANTMENT" or some other new age-y nondenominational horseshit that doesn't mean anything.

Racist Furnace?

2011-12-09T13:27:00.004-05:00

I got some junk mail from PSE&G the other day, and this guy was in the envelope:

To you faithful EADJ readers(ha!), you might recognize this sassy furnace from "Racist Appliances," one of our regular features.

We're still undecided whether we want to convert this into a new segment, "Relaxed Racist Furnace," but we'll let you know if it pans out.

Lobsterfest® Is Ruining Your Neighborhood With Its Low Prices and Reeky Lobster Meat

2011-12-08T15:29:00.005-05:00

So I'm shitrocked again (after drinking 6 Chang beers), so it must be time to post another Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

Lobsterfest® refuses to leave, like a distant relative with nowhere to go who also has the hots for your wife. We here at Red Lobster have served up countless new ways for you to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and here are the latest ways we're offering to serve you lobster from our last desperate brainstorming meeting:

• We rub arrows in lobster meat so that each one is glistening with the moist, fragrant juices of lobster broth. We then shoot the arrow directly up into the sky, and you try to catch the arrow in your mouth/face/chest. Once the arrow strikes your body, you're overwhelmed with the feeling of having lived the remainder of your life enjoying some decent crustacean meat. Now that is one of the several ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We round up everyone in your town who is allergic to shellfish. We then force them into a steel cage right in front of your town hall and literally force each person to eat a footlong lobster roll sandwich. Some of those people will get seriously ill; even a few will die. But you'll notice that we never mentioned anything about pointing guns at them, did you? What a bunch of suckers! Another pointless way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, your honor.

• You ever watch that cartoon "The Snorks?" See, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We repurpose the color copier that we have lying around and start making color copies of lobster meat. Most people don't have the refined enough palate to be able to tell the difference between real lobster meat and sheets of paper, so we'll make an absolute MINT, Cory! Is that an inethical way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck your mother, Cory.

• We truck in patients from a nearby hospital with chronic bowel syndrome. Before they can shit their pants, we heap platters of delicious lobster meat on the table in front of them. Then, their physical desire to blow shit out their ass is effectively COUNTERED by their desire to gobble up all our scrumptious meat! Now you cannot tell me that that is not a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Over time, we hypnotize and condition you into thinking the word "gold" actually means "lobster." Then we take you to Las Vegas, where you're confronted with a bunch of pawn shops offering "CASH FOR GOLD." You desperately come to our restaurant and order as much lobster meat as you can so that you can try to hock that meat for cash. You fail miserably and die alone. A tragic but somehow hilarious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make A Candy Cane Reindeer

2011-12-08T08:43:00.003-05:00

Making reindeers out of candy canes is a simple craft for kids to do on their own, in groups or as a class around the holidays. The reindeer can be used as Christmas tree ornaments, an extra treat on top of a gift or even as a little homemade gift. Here's how to make your own:

1) Cut a brown pipe cleaner in half.

2) Lay the 2 halves beside each other, so that about a third of the first piece is sticking out from where the second piece starts. This will leave about a third of the second pipe cleaner sticking out on the other side.

3) Place the top of the curve of a wrapped candy cane in the middle of the pipe cleaners and bend them up around the top of the candy cane and twist to secure.

4) Bend the pipe cleaners to make antlers for the reindeer. Each of the 2 antlers should have a longer piece and a shorter piece which lets you bend, twist and create 2 unique antlers.

5) Glue googly eyes on the curved part of the reindeer below the antlers, but with room to attach a nose on the end of the candy cane. Using tacky glue or hot glue is the easiest way to quickly secure the eyes.

6) Attach a pompom onto the end of the candy cane as the nose for your candy cane reindeer.

7) Tie the ribbon in a bow half-way down the straight side of the candy cane. You can attach jingle bells to the center of the bow when you tie it or to the ends of each side of the ribbon for extra decoration.

And speaking of canes, one time I was driving this blind guy in my town car, and he claimed he could tell I was Filipino just by "my smell." What a racist fuckhead.

This Is Too Good To Label As Just An "EADJ Mail Sack" Entry

2011-12-07T13:19:00.017-05:00

This was brought to my attention by the nonfictional person Mig Ponce. It's an article in the April 2008 issue of Real Simple Magazine, which blows my mind that Mig actually read.

The article is about "America's Five Star Products," which scoured the best-reviewed items on the Internet. For music, they turned to the reviews on Amazon. Now take a look at that second bullet there.

"Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [Import]?" Now, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that could be a legitimately high-ranked CD, you might say, and you'd be right.

In honesty, what the fine folks at Real Simple Magazine had stumbled upon is this Amazon review page, which is full of hundreds of joke reviews of David Hasselhoff's terrible album. And I am proud to say that I myself had started the very first of these glowing, enthusiastic reviews back in 2001. Seriously.

What happened was I had been laid off and was working the third shift at Kinko's, which gets awfully boring at 3am, and I simply started writing joke reviews of David Hasselhoff's unbearable album to amuse myself. I made sure to sign off every review with the phrase "The song 'Hot Shot City' is particularly good."

Fast forward to today, where there are over a thousand ridiculously loving reviews of Hasselhoff's CD, all giving it five stars. And people have carried on the tradition of ending their review with "The song 'Hot Shot City' is particularly good."

Is the album that bad? Oh man, absolutely. Here's "Hot Shot City," just so you know how bad it is:

I myself haven't left a review on that Amazon page in quite a while. Amazon has since cracked down on how many fake aliases you can create to post a review, etc etc. But you are welcome to carry on this hallowed, decade-long tradition. Go ahead and leave your own, keeping this seminal album of his on top of the charts! Mig Ponce earns a special Mollusk award at the bottom of this website. ↓

The song "Hot Shot City" is particulary good.

This Is Probably Selling Like Hotcakes

2011-12-06T14:37:00.005-05:00

Or like slap bracelets. Or Justin Bieber's bottled sweat. Or whatever the hell it is teenage girls buy a lot of.

LIMITED EDITION! Keep your hairbrush mint in box so you can sell it for a fortune at Sotheby's!

An IM Convo

2011-12-05T14:54:00.002-05:00

Hot off the presses, this is an exchange with Andrew:

Hell Oh Hell

2011-12-05T07:54:00.003-05:00

If there's anything that people type online that makes them sound like a blithering idiot, it's "LOL." Now, we understand it's a nice, shorthand way to express that you "laughed out loud," but it's come into such overuse by morons on Facebook and YouTube over the smallest, dumbest things, that you're better off just typing "hahaha" or "hey, that was really funny."

So we did a little experiment. We took some sage quotes from some history's greatest thinkers and added "lol" at the end to see if they sounded any dumber:

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever LOL."
-- Gandhi

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself LOL."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us LOL."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself LOL."
-- Leo Tolstoy

"The search for truth is more precious than its possession LOL."
-- Albert Einstein

Yep. They all sound like idiots now.

We Finally Review Robin Meade's Album, "Brand New Day"

2011-12-02T04:15:00.004-05:00

So even after whining and complaining for a while before Target would restock it, we ended up pussyfooting around a while before finally reviewing Robin Meade's country album "Brand New Day." Here now we finally tackle this bitch (the album, not Robin) and break down a review of the album, track-by-track style:

"Put My Heels On" is a peppy, uptempo country tune that starts the album off with the same energy that Robin does with her CNN morning show. And much like her morning show, there's little substance and a lot of commercial interruptions. Searing with fiddle and guitar, Robin rides this bucking bronco like a newsanchor who has no business not being a newsanchor. There's even the lyric "It's like NASCAR out there running off the highway." I shit you not, woman.

"A Nice Bunch Of Girls" begins "there was a time/ that I thought that I /was going crazy." She reveals later that she herself is that nice bunch of girls with all her different facets. "I'm a nice bunch of girls" because she's so complex! Three minutes of two seconds of pure self-empowerment. Then there's a series of celebratory "me, myself and I" interwoven with the chorus at the end. And armpit farts, courtesy of me.

The third track is a cover of the Richard Marx song "Right Here Waiting" with American Idol winner Bo Bice harmonizing. It's every bit as much of a Walmart abortion as it sounds like. This is proof that God hates you.

"Never Alone" is the fourth track and successfully transforms this entire CD into the "Joshua Tree" of country albums with its lyricism and emotional scope. I'm kidding. It blows my nuts just as much as the rest of it.

This album's fifth track, "Letting It Go" is more of Robin's nasal, atonal caterwauling, but this time with an awful lot of piano tinkling. If you ever took a dump in a Cracker Barrel and looked back, this is what it would sound like.

"Rain." It begins slowly and quietly, and Robin's vocals weaves itself in with emotional urgency. "When I pray/ I just pray that it rains" is the chorus' pithy refrain. "For every tear that I've felt roll down my face/ for every time that I've blamed someone for my mistakes/ I just close my eyes and turn my heart to the sky/ and let it all fall down." I think Robin wrote these lyrics when she was in the 7th grade and had a crush on her gym teacher. Thank God someone committed these words to music.

Robin's seventh attempt at a CMA is "In Valentine," the poignant story of a small town named Valentine in Nebraska. I couldn't tell the rest of this story, because the song gave me sharp gas pains, and Robin singing through her nose made me have to take an enormous dump, which turned out to be just loud, painful gas. What a rip.

Billy Dean lends his talents to this next track, "Morning Sunshine." And if you have ever caught yourself in a situation where you thought, Great God- the only thing that could save this situation would be some lending vocals from Billy Dean, you know you're fucked.

The next track is "Welcome Home (ft. Jim Brickman)." Now, I don't know if any of you have ever had Jim Brickman at your home, but let me tell you– he's a fucking dick. He takes a pee all over your toilet seat and sweats all over your good sheets; he rearranges all the furniture in your guest room and leaves it that way, and he eats most of your Rocky Road ice cream but leaves enough to not have to throw it away. I tell you, man, Jim Brickman fucking sucks.

"Because You Think I Can" is the musical rantings of a delusional newsanchor-turned-country singer who thanks the many supportive fans that she has who don't really think she can sing but support her because they actually want to bone her. True musical inspiration.

John Rich of the country act Big 'N Rich guest spots on this next track, "You Will." I really have nothing more to add here, except to comment that he really kicked ass in that last "Celebrity Apprentice."

And holy shit if Robin Meade didn't pull out all the stops for her countrified cover of Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry" with guests Bo Bice, Kix Brooks, Gary Burr, Sarah Buxton, And Victoria Shaw. It's like a "We Are The World" of who-the-fuck-are-these-people. USA For What The Hey.

Overall grade: F

Buy her album at Target or here, you masochist, you.

The ProofrEADJer, Mini December Edition

2011-12-01T06:17:00.001-05:00

Mr. Jingles Is Coming.

2011-11-30T12:15:00.007-05:00

The Home Depot in Union City, New Jersey will be host to the lovable antics of Mr. Jingles.

Mr. Jingles will give your kids keys and one of those keys will be MAGIC and will actually open his treasure chest. Mr. Jingles may or may not step away from the treasure chest so that his crotch is right there. And it turns out that if your kid does open the treasure chest with the MAGIC key, there's nothing inside except for a couple of coupons for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut and an old pamphlet about warts.

Here are some other things that you probably didn't know about Mr. Jingles:

• He's one of the most popular artists on Datpiff.com.

• Despite the government's best efforts, there is absolutely no record of Mr. Jingles from years 1993-1998.

• The nickname "Mr. Jingles" was given to him by Marlon Brando. True story.

• Mr. Jingles is related to Fred Durst, but neither will admit it.

• Never bring anything with velour into Mr. Jingles' house. He goes totally apeshit.

• Mr. Jingles was kicked out of Santa's workshop when he tried to fondle a female elf's genitals.

• Whenever it's close to 5pm, Mr. Jingles starts packing up for home. No use asking him for anything then.

• He still owns a Dreamcast, which when you think about it, is pretty damn cool.

• One year Mr. Jingles had bangs in his hair. Holy ass, he looked stupid.

• If you closely at the advertisement, you can tell who is in the Mr. Jingles suit:

Meanwhile, At Target, K-Mart, and Especially Pathmark...

2011-11-29T13:37:00.035-05:00

(Click to enlarge)

What's interesting about Pathmark- when I recently went to take a poop there (don't ask), I passed by their sorting system for lost items:

I was amazed and impressed that they actually do take the time to re-organize and reshelve the many, many lost items that end up in the store, although I imagine it's a losing battle.

But for all their efforts and organization, it makes me nauseous to think that some meat, produce, or freshly baked bread has been close to where people poop.

In Case You Ever Wondered If The Beaded Path Does Restringing

2011-11-28T13:37:00.000-05:00

Yes.

Ask Dr. Fish

2011-11-28T12:20:00.004-05:00

Dear Dr. Fish,

Sometimes when I am doing yoga (especially coming out of the plow pose), my body suddenly passes air out of my vagina making a fart-like sound. It’s embarrassing when in a room full of other people! I tried keeping my pelvic muscles tight (because this has happened before, though luckily it was in my living room) when lowering my legs down in an attempt to stop this from happening, but no luck. Do you have any suggestions, is something wrong with my insides, and does this happen to other people?

Thank you for your help!
Sue Pine in Scoville

-----

Dear Sue,

Uh, I'm not sure how to answer this question. First of all, I am a fish, so that means I know nothing about yoga. And secondly, this question isn't exactly medical related, which is good, because I'm not really a licensed physician, so I wouldn't have been able to answer any question of that nature, either.

Hope this helped!
Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

I suffer from recurring vaginal yeast infections. My doctor gave me an oral antiyeast medicine for it and a cream to apply. In addition, he gave me something to stop the itching. It seemed worse after the treatment, so the doctor gave me five more days of the oral medicine. What would you suggest if it comes back again? Could it be something I am eating or taking?

Thanks in advance,
N.F. in Scoville

-----

Dear N.F. in Scoville,

I would definitely bring it up with your current doctor, mainly because I am not a real doctor. I am actually just a fish in a doctor's outfit. And by the way, if I had a vagina and it itched that much, I would follow those prescriptions to a motherfucking T.

Cheers,
Dr. Fish

-----

Yo, Dr. Fish,

Did you know "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard?" A scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword, wink wink. But the sword need not be a penis; our vaginas were sheaths of power and worth celebrating! Here's to vagina power!

Margaret Cho (not the comedienne) in Scoville

-----

Dear Margaret,

What the fuck is going on here, people?! Why are all these questions about vaginas?! And that last one wasn't even a question. Is this some juvenile crack at how vaginas smell like fish or something, because I do NOT appreciate it. I am here to answer legitimate questions about medical problems, although I am not a medical doctor and am in fact just a humble fish. Also, what the sam shit is up with all of you coming from Scoville? Where is that?

Jesus Christ.
Dr. Fish

A Work Of Art

2011-11-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

Spotted in South Orange, New Jersey, this exquisite outdoor sculpture of unknown origin.

What's interesting about this soaring, monumental piece is that it seems the bright, solid opposite of a grave and strikes at the whole definition of sculpture right away. It does not suggest flight or the ability to fly or even movement, but rather it plays the role of intermediary between the sky and the earth. The solid, consistent mass of the base holds it to the earth by the force of gravity. Art critics are instantly reminded of the bold organic lines of Alexander Calder's La Grande Voile or Merete Rasmussen's clear, clean curves.

This sculpture can be viewed in front of Cleanway Car Wash, where you can get a brushless carwash, interior detailing job, hubcap waxing, and floor mat laundering for only $29.99. SUVs are $5 extra.

No Words.

2011-11-25T03:10:00.001-05:00

I took a poop at Pathmark (don't ask) and spotted this:

"Meat?!" That's all it says? And why did an employee take it into a bathroom stall? Why does it just say "meat?" What was he doing with "meat" in the bathroom? My head hurts. But my ass feels so much better.

A Fairly Close Typographical Match?

2011-11-24T00:51:00.001-05:00

Okay, not a perfect match. But enough to be worth noting.

Whatever, man.

A Very Happy Thanksgiving 2011 From EADJ

2011-11-24T00:32:00.002-05:00

Once again, we at EADJ wish you and your one friend a happy and healthy Thanksgiving weekend. And like every single weekday since December 2, 2006, we still post something for scores of our readers to enjoy, even on holidays.

Here's an IM convo with Tom Weingard:

Here's a photo of Jay Cohen doing "research" on social media websites:

And here's some clipart of a turkey who doesn't understand what's about to go down:

Don't overeat, you fuckers!

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

2011-11-23T12:12:00.004-05:00

What I first thought was a strip club turned out to be a ladies hair salon. I guess the silhouetted skanks threw me off. DANGEROUS DIVAS.

I'm not sure if $50 sew-in hair weaves are supposed to be a bargain (it's been so long since I've had one done), but I definitely cannot say no to a $15 doobie.

No, wait. What kind of doobie are we talking about here?

So, it's a Rachel for sisters? Looks nice.

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

2011-11-22T12:23:00.003-05:00

A lot of people these days are wondering, "how can I still enjoy dining out while still protecting the environment?" No, actually nobody is thinking that except people with OCD and Rosie O' Donnell. Anyways, here are some helpful ways of how you can eat at restaurants but still keep your carbon footprint to a minimum:

• Tell the girl at McDonald's not to wrap your Quarter Pounder in paper and to instead serve it to you from the small of her back.

• Opt for tap water instead of bottled water. And savor the deliciously pathetic look of disappointment in the waiters' faces when you do.

• If you're ordering tater skins at TGI Fridays, could you save some for me?

• Many fine restaurants whiten their tablecloths and napkins using bleach and chemicals that are bad for the environment. Torch those places.

• When ordering food at a diner, ask the waitress if her establishment has "gone green." Study the expression on her face carefully.

• The restaurant Captain D's uses caustic fluorocarbons in their catfish filets that deplete the ozone layer. I'd order the tilapia instead.

• Save your unused paper napkins and utensils so you can slip them into parked cars whose windows were left open a little bit.

• You'll be happy to know that the guys at Subway wash their hands with biodegradable soap before picking their ass and then making your meatball sub.

• If possible, take actress Eva Green out with you to dinner. Maybe you'll get this joke.

• Ask your maitre 'D to stop his earth-killing ways.

• Smith and Wollensky offers a steak that doesn't contribute to releasing methane into the atmosphere. It's called a salad.

• Save paper by not asking for the check.

Blackberry Face IV V

2011-11-21T11:37:00.015-05:00

Starting in the first week of December, EADJ's exhibit "The Blackberry Face" will be augmented with a monumental new piece, recently acquired by the EADJ Museum Society as a permanent addition to the collection.

"Edvard" is a groundbreaking new masterwork that has rocked the art world to its foundation- it stays true to the spirit of its predecessors while at the same time challenging the very definition of what a "Blackberry Face" can be.

Not only is "Edvard" the first recording of a "Blackberry Face" outside of the New Jersey Transit Line, it is the very first instance of someone making a "Blackberry Face" while reading a Kindle. The repercussions of this new "game-changing" discovery have yet to be realized by the art press and the world in general.

"Edvard" joins "Maggie," "Frank," and "Tony," thereby converting the admired triptych into the rarer tetraptych.

The Blackberry Face Collection has been made possible by our chief patron, the Rembrandt Society. With special thanks to Canon Cameras, Blue Moon Beer and the Chubb Corporation. Additional finance has been supplied by the Bequest of Mrs Riemsdijk-Borsje, who the museum manager went to school with.

:C

***UPDATE***

Due to a GLARING oversight on EADJ's part, we mistakenly reported that "Edvard" was the fourth new "Blackberry Face," when in fact there already WAS a fourth, "Sam," which was added to the collection in May of this year. Readers must be assured this was not racially motivated.

This now means that "Edvard" is no longer the first "Blackberry Face" featured out of the NJ Transit train, and yet it remains the first one to feature a Kindle. "Edvard" now upgrades this rare tetraptych to an even rarer pentaptych.

Coming Soon: The Joel Angel Project

2011-11-18T11:07:00.014-05:00

I was farting around my local Walgreens (yes, the same one where I found that excellent manager's photo), when I happened upon the "As Seen On TV" section of the store: Snuggies, Sobakawa pillows, and Slap Chops were all available for sale for the holidays.

All of it looking pretty standard and familiar, until I caught sight of a box full of douchey AWESOME:

Criss Angel's Mindfreak Platinum Magic Kit. YES, PLEASE. But I didn't buy this for myself. I intend to mail this to our eponymous friend Joel and give him two weeks to learn and perform one of these Mindfreak tricks on video. I asked Joel, and he's totally down with the idea.

I'm mailing Joel this stupid box next week. Here's hoping he freaks our mind whilst eating our dicks.

The ProofrEADJer, November Edition

2011-11-17T11:57:00.022-05:00

And now for another segment where we take people's honest mistakes and blow them out of proportion to make us feel better about ourselves.

This was supposed to read "Diet Pepsi:"

Spotted At a Book Exchange

2011-11-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

People Are So Inconsiderate.

2011-11-15T03:51:00.004-05:00

People are so inconsiderate. Not only do they leave their shopping carts in the middle of parking spaces, just steps away from a cart corral...

... but they don't finish a perfectly good corn on the cob and just leave it out for crows to pick at.

An Imagined Conversation

2011-11-14T05:37:00.003-05:00

"Man, I am psyched to get this sandwich shop started!"
"Only two more days, Don. Exciting, huh?'
"You bet, Carl."

(awkward silence)

"Something wrong, Don?"
"Not really."
"Oh come on. You can tell me. We're business partners now, remember?"
"Well, it's just this, Carl. I don't really feel like we should call it a Sub Shop."
"Why the hell not?"
"You remember how I told you I went to culinary school in Passaic, right?"
"Oh my God. You mean to tell me you were lying?"
"No no no. Relax, Carl. Sit down. No, I totally went there. The thing is, when it came to sandwich making, I skipped out on the day they were teaching us how to build a real submarine sandwich."
"What were you doing?"
"I think 'Green Lantern' came out that day."
"That was a good movie."
"I hated it. Anyway, I never really learned how to make a proper sub, so I feel really awkward putting the actual word SUB SHOP outside."
"What was to hate about 'Green Lantern?' Ryan Reynolds was totally badass."
"So that's why I feel so uncertain about actually calling what we make 'subs.'"
"I mean, the love interest between him and Blake Lively was nonexistent for the most part."
"In fact, the mechanical way we make these sandwiches reminds me of a goddamned factory."
"And it's pretty unnatural to hire Blake Lively– who's a stunning blonde– and make her a brunette. That's just like when they hired Jessica Alba– a stunning brown-eyed brunette– and did the inverse for those godawful 'Fantastic Four' movies."
"You know what, Carl? I'd feel a lot better if we put the word 'sub' in quotes. But maybe put a space between each quote and the word 'sub' so that customers don't think I'm being sarcastic. Yeah."
"What are we talking about, again?"

UAG

2011-11-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Unbeatable Harold"

2011-11-10T01:35:00.002-05:00

I don't remember ever seeing Gladys Knight in a movie. So this might be the first time I ever see her acting.

Come to think of it, she must have played herself on "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" or "Facts Of Life" or some crap like that. But this has to be her first feature film role, right?

Here's hoping she doesn't just play herself or a lounge singer. That would be disappointing.

And is that Fonzie with a hunting rifle on the cover? Sweet!

SOON

Ain't No Time To Be Guffin' 'Bout No Lobsterfest®*

2011-11-09T08:44:00.003-05:00

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster rages on like a humming tumid erection in a sophomore's pants. And we at Red Lobster have not stopped inventing new, exciting ways for you to succumb to the onslaught of obscenely plentiful lobster tail, mainly because we're afraid that once we stop, our lives essentially lose meaning. Here are the latest machinations from our laboratory of crustaceanism:

• We design a plasticine, protective fiberglass shell for you and your family to wear on your backs like lobsters. You'll conduct your day as usual, but now with the benefit of an exoskeleton to protect you from predators. And once you spend a week in your shells, you can appreciate how effective the exoskeletons are and then come to the restaurant and eat the everloving shit out of those stupid lobsters that didn't stand a chance against MAN! LOL! Stupid lobsters! HUMANS FUCKING OWN! That seems to indicate a sort of way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, but we could be mistaken.

• We fashion a gigantic slingshot from the crossbeams of our building. You sit in front of the slingshot as we load a bale (like of hay!) of lobster meat into the slingshot, pull it back as far as we can, and then ask you if you want a baleful of "THE MEAT." If you say no, we all act disappointed, disassemble the slingshot and sigh really loudly for the rest of the day. It would somewhat appear that that would be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, now that I think about it.

• You've heard of "CSI," right? Well, we'd do our version of it, but instead of murder victims, it would be people who couldn't decide what to have for dinner. Every episode would end with one of our "cops" suggesting that you should maybe have the lobster. See, that's the way we solve mysteries in OUR CITY. That concludes this special encore presentation of an episode of "CSI: Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!"

• We email you a coupon, and you delete it. That's a cyber-way to download lobster.doc at Lobsterfest®.com at http://www.RedLobster.geocities.org.

• We sprinkle lobster with crab meat. And with every bite you take of this concoction, you can't tell where the lobster starts and the crab ends. This forces you to re-evaluate everything you know about seafood, taking you on a vision quest to find your spirit animal, which by all accounts (and pretty much beyond our control) turns out to be a llama. See, that's no way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, is it? No.

• We vomit butter into your lap. You get really angry and threaten to sue. It's then that we introduce you to Jillian, who's been working here for about 3 months. You fall in love with her, but it turns out she's actually a cardboard standee of actress Ellen Barkin. I don't know what the fuck that just was, but it sure damn counts as enjoying lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Your friend Terry swings by our restaurant and doesn't tell you he's there. Then when you find out about it later, you get all mad because you were just down the street and he didn't bother to call you over. But it's all good, because he has that seven bucks he owes you for the time you spotted him when you guys when to see "Green Lantern." Terry's co-worker Paul even wrote down on a whiteboard:
"LOBSTER + LOBSTERFEST® X RED LOBSTER = PLEASE FORGIVE TERRY."

* I honestly wrote this entire entry drunk off Bud Light Lime, which for me these days only takes about 5.

An IM Convo

2011-11-09T08:32:00.002-05:00

By the way, Star of Siam is a wonderful Thai restaurant in Chicago, located right next to the Chicago Reader offices on Illinois Avenue, which means you always have reading material when dining at that fine establishment.

So, What Did We Think Of "Dragons II: Metal Ages, The Movie" In Comparison To All The Other Crappy Movies We've Watched?

2011-11-09T08:18:00.003-05:00

Well, it wasn't original by any stretch of the imagination. Very average storyline. Animation sucked pretty badly, and the voice acting was decent but not memorable. Very forgettable but not offensively bad. For that reason we drop it somewhere in the middle between "The Man From Button Willow" (another example of lazy animation) and "Intimate Agony," the melodramatic PSA on herpes, which now that I think about it, should really be more towards the top of the heap of this spectrum for its sheer hilarity.

Now, what movie was I talking about? You SEE?

An IM Convo

2011-11-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

An IM Convo

A Special Pre-Valentines Day Message From Cement Bird

EADJ Explains What's New About The Revised Catholic Mass Texts

Coming Soon to Toys R Us: The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit!

Come On Now, Marc

Fro Goodness Sake, Part 2

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #1

The ProofrEADJer, January Edition

UAG

An Imagined Conversation

Let's Buy Expired Gift Cards For the EADJ Mail Sack!

Bee Flips!

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This Is An Entry Involving Playbills

Big Mac Snack Wrap

UAG

*** INTERPOL EMERGENCY ***

DID YOU KNOW?

UAG

This Week In Doppelgangers

Another Joel Angel Update

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Overheard At The Moody Blues Barber Shop

EADJ Song Hate: "Without You" by David Guetta ft. Usher

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EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

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Don't Hate The Giver- Hate The Game.

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The Joel Angel Project Update

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UAG

UAG

Somehow Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Robo Morphers: Less Than Meets The Eye

BEANSNAPPERS

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Let's Ask For More Meatballs To Go With Our EADJ Mail Sack But Complain When They Charge Us Extra For It!

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Racist Furnace?

Lobsterfest® Is Ruining Your Neighborhood With Its Low Prices and Reeky Lobster Meat

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make A Candy Cane Reindeer

This Is Too Good To Label As Just An "EADJ Mail Sack" Entry

This Is Probably Selling Like Hotcakes

An IM Convo

Hell Oh Hell

We Finally Review Robin Meade's Album, "Brand New Day"

The ProofrEADJer, Mini December Edition

Mr. Jingles Is Coming.

Meanwhile, At Target, K-Mart, and Especially Pathmark...

In Case You Ever Wondered If The Beaded Path Does Restringing

Ask Dr. Fish

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A Very Happy Thanksgiving 2011 From EADJ

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

Blackberry Face IV V

Coming Soon: The Joel Angel Project

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People Are So Inconsiderate.

An Imagined Conversation

UAG

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Unbeatable Harold"

Ain't No Time To Be Guffin' 'Bout No Lobsterfest®*

An IM Convo

So, What Did We Think Of "Dragons II: Metal Ages, The Movie" In Comparison To All The Other Crappy Movies We've Watched?

An IM Convo

* INTERPOL EMERGENCY *