Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog

The Rest Stop Fashion Show!

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:30:00 +0000

Off the rack and right off the turnpike, see what the ladies are wearing this season!

Tess and Imelda are "on the go" in a long sleeve tee with yoga pants and a blue sweatshirt with grey sweatpants, courtesy of Big Dogs Clothing!

"What should I order at Starbucks?" Although Carla is indecisive about her caffeine fix, she definitely knows what to wear with a hooded fur-lined jacket from Strawberry: a fanciful license plate-themed PJ bottom from Old Navy!

Buying a commemorative penny for your son from a vending machine doesn't have to be a chore anymore, thanks to a comfy pink sweater with fanciful waist fringe and velour pants from Fingerhut!

A white jacket with black dorsal striping from North Face goes well with plaid PJ bottoms and polka dot rain boots from JC Penney, n'est ce pas? C'est vraiment magnifique!

The right ensemble makes a statement. And a black Columbia fleece coat with black sweatpants with anatomically-incorrect paw prints on the rear says, "A miniature cartoon lion pushed me out of his den!"

L-iiimber up, girls! Jenny stretches the boundaries of chic in a grey hoodie from Target, some Ugg boots, and black sweatpants from her mother's boyfriend's dresser. Ana goes outdoorsy in a white vest from Target, black leggings from Forever 21, and black boots from Jenny's mother's boyfriend's dresser.

No amount of cold can freeze out femininity! Rhonda defies the winter in a Peruvian hat, snowflake decorated red coat from Burlington Coat Factory, a Dress Barn dress over blue sweatpants, and a pair of Keds. And it looks like she's caught the eye of black R2D2!

"Turkey or ham?" Whilst considering her pre-made sandwich options, Donna bundles up in a North Face vest over a black hoodie over a white hoodie, both from Aeropostale.

Everyone loves a circus, and Michelle Litos takes center ring for the crowd in a checkered hoodie from God-knows-where and a snowflake-patterned pajama bottom from hell-if-I-know.

Brand Casualizing

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 15:22:00 +0000

In an attempt to be more accessible to consumers, lots of brands are making their handle abbreviated and less formal. This could possibly be traced to today's texting and tweeting culture, or you could attribute the trend to TRL, KFC, SNL or J-Lo.

Regardless, this shortening trend is not going away soon. Here are some upcoming brand makeovers:

• Chipotle will now be known as "Chipoat" without the annoying "lay"
• Leona Lewis will strip down to an outfit made only of white straps and rename herself "Leeloo"
• Dave will get rid of Buster, who was always the dumb one anyway
• Nokia will shorten their name to "Kia." No, wait a minute...
• Del Taco restaurants will close
• Oil of Olay will be shorted to Oilay
• Duracell will be changed to "The Dure," cuz that's all awesome and totally sweet
• Oprah's "O" Magazine will be halved into a "C"
• The band "Daughtry" will actually lengthen their name to "Wildebeest Assholes Grinding On Your Dad's Cock If You Listen To This Music You Fucking Tool Jagoff"

Let's Adjust The Wooden Wheels On the EADJ Mail Sack!

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:18:00 +0000

Submitted by Joel Himself:

"Is it me, or does that look suggestive?"

• Yes
•
• No other bullets needed
• Stop
• Seriously, stop
• Come on now
• Stop it
• Unnecessary
• Not funny anymore
• Please stop it
• Okay, These bullets are kind of funny
• LOL

Spooky.

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 19:55:00 +0000

Spotted in an Entertainment Earth catalog, some bobbleheads with a passing resemblance and one with an *exact* one.

Jane Seymour's Boobs and Butts Jewelry

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 08:27:00 +0000

Jane Seymour's "Open Hearts" jewelry line is a "universal symbol of hope and love," but the fact is, you're going to be wearing boobs and butts around your neck.

That's right. Boobs and butts. Look at that shape. Jane is obviously impressed at her own handiwork, but she doesn't realize that she painted boobs and butts, and cast boobs and butts out of white gold and sterling silver for sale at exorbitant prices at shitty Kay's Jewelers. Boobs and butts, ladies and gentlemen, boobs and butts.

@#$%#@

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 08:16:00 +0000

Pictured above, what happens when you try cooking when "Jersey Shore" is on.

Smecial Christmas Day Dreams Entry

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 06:37:00 +0000

None of these dreams have to do with Christmas; I just decided to post this now. And for some reason, quite a few of these are Andrew's. Merry Christmas!

It's A Christmas Miracle!

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 06:32:00 +0000

Holidays: Then And Now

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 06:29:00 +0000

Click to enlarge

Whoa.

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:35:00 +0000

Pictured above, an SUV blocks J'Net's view of the entire world.

Gee, You Shouldn't Have.

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:30:00 +0000

Pictured above, the perfect Christmas gift for broke, uncaring uncles to give their nephews.

UAG

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:13:00 +0000

Unflattering

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:28:00 +0000

Pictured below, Bruce Willis joins the LPGA.

A Greener, More Earth-Friendly Off-Brand T.P. Roundup

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:22:00 +0000

EADJ has caught a little flak from environmental groups for our occasional T.P. Roundup being too negative about how bad generic toilet paper is. They've argued that the 1-ply type of paper reduces deforestation and somehow helps koala bears walk. So here now are reviews of off-brand tissue paper from a more positive angle. And please consider the environment before printing this blog entry.

Earth-Loving Paper Name: Hi Soft
Earth-Friendly Graphic Treatment: The name floating on a big blue nacho. Also, a drawing of a roll of toilet paper on the roll of toilet paper.
Earth-Saving Review: O sweet tits of joy! The manufacturers of Hi Soft have grossly misrepresented the name but have saved a dozen badger families in the Pacific Northwest! Hooray!

Earth-Conscious Paper Name: Smart Price for...Bathroom Tissue
Earth-Aware Graphic Treatment: A green asterisk flower for... no special reason
Earth-Replenishing Review: God bless the makers of Smart Price for... reversing mankind's impact on the planet! Every time you wipe your ass with this, a California condor chick finds its mother! Kudos!

Earth-Nurturing Paper Name: Green Heritage
Earth-Breastfeeding Graphic Treatment: An uninspired leaf which accidentally resembles The Onion logo.
Earth-Rescuing Review: O hail to the Green Heritage makers! This paper seems to biodegrade the second you start using it! It fully dissolves in your crack, turning your butt into its own compost heap.

Earth-Hugging Paper Name: Skyline 1-Ply
Earth-Sustaining Graphic Treatment: Some mountains over a sunrise. Ahh.
Earth-Shattering Review: You see what they did here? They used the word 'skyline' but instead showed MOUNTAINS! They turned that shit around to talk about nature and shit! Now use this to reverse the damaging effects of your enormous carbon footprint!

Earth-Promoting Paper Name: Morex
Earth-Rotating Graphic Treatment: The word 'Morex' in a blue oval. And a trademark symbol that's as big as your head.
Earth-Penetrating Review: One way to make toilet paper more earth-friendly is to make it so harsh and painful to use that nobody uses it. Trees win!

Earth-Carrying Paper Name: Never-Out Executive 1-Ply
Earth-Worshipping Graphic Treatment: None. Fuck that shit.
Earth-Revolving Review: This paper doesn't mess around. The 'never-out' moniker refers to the roll of paper itself: people are too embarrassed to put this out for their guests. No paper used, problem solved! Fuck you!

Earth-Promising Paper Name: None
Earth-Championing Graphic Treatment: None
Earth-Renewing Review: None

Okay, What the Hell.

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:38:00 +0000

There's this convenience store near my house in New Jersey, and I just visited it recently. It's run by a kindly Indian man who is very friendly but has an odd way of stocking his wares.

What the fuck, dude. Did he make that sandwich himself? I'm glad he clarified that it was made with two slices of bread. I'm amazed he didn't include nutritional information.

Yes, that is a single stick of butter being sold next to a single jello cup. It looks like he's ignoring all those 'not for individual sale' warnings on wrappers so he can turn a buck. Oh yeah, also the chocolate bar.

There are no words.

EADJ Song Like, Holiday Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:20:00 +0000

Here are three really good holiday songs:

1) "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"- Originally written by Phil Spector and performed by Darlene Love for Phil Spector's 1963 Christmas album, this short song has a great melody with a tinge of sadness.

The snow's coming down
I'm watching it fall
Watching the people around
Baby please come home

The church bells in town
They're ringing a song
What a happy sound
Baby please come home

U2 made a rousing ballad out of it; Death Cab performed it with a more plaintive tempo. And even though it's been sung by caterwauls like Mariah Carey, Cher, and Leighton Meester, the melody still holds up, which is a sign of a pretty damn good song.

2) "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a song introduced by Judy Garland in the 1944 MGM musical "Meet Me in St. Louis" offers much more than just a tinge of sadness:

From Wikipedia:
"...A family is distraught by the father's plans to move to New York City for a job promotion, leaving behind their beloved home in St. Louis, Missouri just before the long-anticipated Louisiana Purchase Exposition begins. In a scene set on Christmas Eve, Judy Garland's character, Esther, sings the song to cheer up her despondent five-year-old sister, Tootie, played by Margaret O'Brien."

The original lyrics were considered depressing by Garland and the film's director:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last,
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas, pop that champagne cork,
Next year we will all be living in New York.

No good times like the olden days, happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who were dear to us, will be near to us no more.

But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Thankfully, songwriter Hugh Martin changed the lyrics to be more upbeat. But the melody still retains that sadness.

3) "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)" by Mel Torme

Okay, this one is a no brainer. The entire song paints an idyllic landscape of Christmas imagery, tying at all up at the end as a greeting to you, the listener. Although covered by pretty much every recording artist out there, including Twisted Sister, Gloria Estefan, The Cheetah Girls, and Alvin and the Chipmunks, this bulletproof song is pleasant to hear and can get anyone in the Christmas spirit.

Okay, those were three good Christmas songs. Everything else, I am fucking sick of hearing.

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: The Man From Button Willow

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:55:00 +0000

This appears to be an animated romp of some kind.

"A delightfully different, excitingly new adventure in family entertainment!" Translation: leave this on for the kids while you fire up more rock.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:26:00 +0000

From page "Food Ad Tricks: Helping Kids Understand Food Ads on TV," a behind-the-scenes look at how advertisers make a burger in commercials look so appetizing, a comment by DaGipsyKing (whose account has regrettably been closed):

I wanna see what she can do with my meat.

Tom Weingard's Search For a Decent Cheesesteak in NYC, Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 05:35:00 +0000

This time, Tom gets all healthy at Energy Kitchen on 2nd Ave.

How The Mighty Have Dafoe-llen

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:49:00 +0000

Picture above, two time Oscar nominee, Golden Globe nominee, and Chicago International Film Festival Award winner for Career Achievement Willem Dafoe gives the appropriate smile to three hours of telling fanboys that he didn't really steer the Green Goblin's glider because it doesn't actually exist.

Death, Taxes, and Pathmark

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:43:00 +0000

I used to love doing this bit. Then I grew tired of it. Then I quit doing it. Then I reluctantly started doing the bit again. Now I love it again. It's so... comforting.

Christmas Is a Time For Asking For Favors

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:34:00 +0000

My church sent me some mail the other week, and in it were 5 raffle tickets and letter asking me to sell them for $20 a pop.

My first thought was, Will they charge me $100 if I just chuck this away? They just stuck me with these tickets, and I have to figure out a way to unload these unsold tickets back to them; I just want to slip them in their mail slot. Now, it's a very nice church and all, but to send this chore to me and passive aggressively suggest I play bookie for their gambling racket is a bit forward. It's like an aunt writing you a letter "reminding" you that you promised to make a backdrop for her nativity scene, even though you HAVE NO RECOLLECTION of promising that.

MAN, I am cranky.

A Terrible Joke Told Terribly With Terrible Audio

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:25:00 +0000

This is my Dad at a buffet place trying to tell a joke about a woman trying to increase her breast size. Then my Mom "ruins" it.

Chargers?!

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:38:00 +0000

A while ago I did an entry about shams, those decorative pillows that sit behind the real pillows that you're not supposed to use for some reason. So last week I learned about "chargers."

For you uninitiated, charger plates are the sham of the dinner table; they're oversized plates that sit under the real plates and are removed as soon as food is served. One website even said that "there are metal, card, papier maché, rattan and even leather charger plates."

I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: What the hell. Who needs a decorative, non-usable plate under your real plate? Are your real plates not nice enough? Why create another thing for a host to deal with on top of serving the food and entertaining the guests?

So many questions. Oh chargers, why do you exist?

Next week, we'll cover decorative pants you're not supposed to wear and decorative windows that you're not supposed to look out of.

And Now For Some Slug Porn

noreply@blogger.com (Estoye) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:19:00 +0000

I bet you didn't wake up this morning thinking you'd see slugs fucking today. But the universe deals out the cards any which way, and so here we are.