Friday, July 29, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Greetings, all. This is Gordon from corporate.
No, none of you are in trouble, but it been brought to my attention that this office has been slightly behind the cycle in doing timesheets. Now, being the fiscal bulldog that I am, I had to contact you all directly to stress the importance of DOING YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEETS EVERYDAY. Projects due in an hour? Stop and do your timesheet anyway. Late for a hot date night with your husband? Who cares. Do your timesheet. Building on fire? You can do your timesheets from your phone. Really, there is NO EXCUSE.
Here are this week's timesheets, which I expect you all to fill out by EOD (especially you, Myers):
447553: Pumping up the jam
302404: Filling your laugh lines with cocaine
009261: Taking a kid to Build A Bear Workshop and not buying anything
920427: Slam dunkin' hoes
210749: Inventing and developing the toothpaste jelly donut
820455: Binge watching all 63 seasons of "All My Children"
397576: Honking all over this chick's funbags
631223: Returning Ann Taylor Loft merchandise at a regular Ann Taylor store
342855: Pausing your shit fit for a coffee run
111111: Realizing that making a "duck bill" with Pringles in your mouth is not unique
577321: Finding someplace to unload your Better Than Ezra CDs
492003: Saving Lois Lane for the fucking umpteenth time
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
It's "Hillary," idiot.
If you insist on putting the word "gourmet" on everything, at least spell it right once.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
The Owner of The Bar Called O' Malley's Speaks Out On His Role In the Lyrics Of The Song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"
Let me start off by saying I am grateful for all the attention my bar has gotten from the Rupert Holmes 1979 hit "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)." For years before that song was released, my location on Main Street was good, but the flow of traffic was somehow all going to Donovan's down the street closer to the beach. But since that song hit the charts (and eventually became the 11th best selling single of 1980 on the Billboard Hot 100, I hear), business couldn't be better.
But for all of that, I'm afraid I do have to take issue with the role my bar has played in that travesty of a yacht-rock song. First of all, I'm a devout Catholic (surprise, being an O'Malley, eh?), and any depiction of infidelity– even if it's just lyrical– just rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I know that the singer and his "lady" were never depicted as married per se, but still.
I guess the second issue I have with it is more personal. See, I'm had a rock 'n roll childhood. Grew up on Black Sabbath and Zeppelin. Still listen to them. And I try to run a nice, down to earth pub with decent fixtures and a jukebox with some decent rock on it. So this association my bar has with this admittedly catchy but seriously LIMP-DICKED MUZAK SONG doesn't sit well with me at all. Gave me ulcers in the 80s, in fact.
Look man, I'm just (literally) minding my business, tending bar and cleaning up, and this long haired guy with white slacks, Hawaiian shirt opened down to his belly, and mirror shades sits down and orders a pina colada. Yeah, at an Irish bar.
So while I'm standing there figuring how to either concoct one of those blender drinks or punch the guy in the throat, this woman with feathered hair, flared polyester pants and the biggest sun hat I've ever seen sits down next to the bloke.
They instantly recognize each other and start laughing about something or other. Then the guy hails me and orders TWO piña coladas now. I'm about to throw the two of those hippies out, but it suddenly starts raining outside. Customers at the outside tables come rushing in, but those two forget about the drinks they ordered and run out into the rain towards the beach. Morons.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE
FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT
BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::
TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON
FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.
ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:
53964: Making love out of nothing at all
93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement
61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"
39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch
09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch
29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch
22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch
07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace
22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography
20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest
56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"
86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
Twitter is an ugly woman who acts like she's a runway model. Twitter is a dish of stale rest stop pizza that is being sold as filet mignon. Twitter is a D rate actor billing himself as the next Sam Worthington. Twitter is a two legged dog with a boner dragging itself along a shag carpet. These are this week's least used Twitter hashtags that you can use for your own stupid Tweets:
Thursday, July 14, 2016
MC Wile E. Coyote has a plan. Produced by ACME Studios.
But before E.T. boarded his spaceship and headed home, he lifted his finger and told Future, "I'll be right here... for an unnecessary collabo with Drake and 2 Chainz."
"I see you've recently changed the oil on your sedan. I can respect that. Someone who takes the time to maintain and care for their car will have great use out of it for years to come. That's something most people don't realize- they drive the heck out of a car, thinking it doesn't need to be taken into the shop until it's starting to break down. But you get it. You understand the importance of regular tune ups and... oh shit, WHERE ARE MY SHOES?"
Yes, it is possible to fail a Photoshop course.
Crip starter kits are only $119.99 with your Sam's Club card.
Few people realize that Drake is an amateur gemologist. Here are a few gems from his collection of rare glass doorknobs from old ladies' homes.
An A? I'd drop a whole letter grade because he can't spell "similes."
This could be a new age CD- I don't care. It is an awesome cover.