Monday, November 30, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
Three major movie studios– Universal, Sony Pictures and Viacom– have announced plans to release one movie each based on the names of washable markers found in the kid's art section of your local Target. Look for these potential blockbusters in 2016/2017:
"Glitterati" starring Mariah Carey, Michael B. Jordan, Sam Elliott and Diane Lane
A reboot of the disastrous 2001 biographic movie "Glitter," this reimagines Mariah Carey as a singer by day and secret service agent by night. She is recruited by her backup dancer (Jordan) to fight the behind-the-scenes Illuminati (Elliott and Lane) who control all of the world's recording studios and surveillance farms. Look for Raven Symone as hacker "INDERRE."
"Mermaid Shimmer" starring Demi Lovato, Drew Barrymore and directed by McG
This update of the classic mermaid story pits Demi Lovato as a good mermaid versus an evil merman (played by a CGI John Leguizamo) who braves the cold, hard streets of Boston to find her captured sister (Barrymore). Lots of zoom shots and multi-colored explosions. Soundtrack by Demi Lovato, Disturbed, Trey Songz and volleyball champ Gabrielle Reece.
"Over The Rainbow" starring Rupert Everett, Hugh Jackman and Kirsten Dunst. Directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu. This gritty tragicomedy shows the pains that a loving gay couple (Everett and Jackman) have to face in the rural swamps of Alabama. Are there swamps in Alabama? Whatever. Rated R for tits (and not whose you think!).
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Greetings, all. Sorry we haven't been able to share these sooner, but the last-minute reschedule of client presentations and Sheryl's baby shower in the Fishbowl have delayed the collection of these job codes. Please use these numbers instead of the ones given back in April:
76552 - Metadata Meeting
84944 - Social and Digital Extension Brainstorm
93411 - Discussion of Enterprise vs. Millennium Falcon
50567 - Faking Timesheets
10092 - Dollar Store Spending Spree courtesy of Petty Cash
88294 - Teaching the I.T. Guy How To Kiss
39231 - Smoke Break (No Vapes)
28221 - Comparing Your Leather Jacket To The CEO's
58994 - Explaining To H.R. Why the Term "Titty Twister" Isn't Offensive
20246 - Pushing Your Amway Shit In Conference Room B
49328 - Furious Argument Over Who Keeps Stealing The Kitchen's Honey
90032 - Fainting
18231 - Audit of Sally's Workout Clothes While She's At Lunch
54930 - Vomiting Again
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Here are the hashtags that even the dumbest, least thoughtful tweeters didn't use recently:
Good God. I truly apologize for that last one.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
I'm 13% certain she was going for the "Star Lord" look, but she achieved it.
The Scottish clan whose tartan pattern this represents put a bounty out on that slacker kid's head.
"I am a fun-loving person. Look at my fucking feet."
A Bill Cosby sweater, in this day and age? Points for balls, I guess.
This suave, debonair Lothario spoke in a deep Russian accent. No change necessary, Romeo!
The atrocity known as the Man Bun must be clipped in the nub.
I really hope she nails that job interview she's on her way to.
Friday, November 20, 2015
Adele's long-awaited album hits stores today, right when you just got "Rolling In The Deep" out of your head.
Here are a few surprises upon first listen:
• Track 1 "Choices" samples Li'l Wayne clearing his throat and making armpit farts.
• Liner notes credit deceased Cambodian revolutionary Pol Pot for most of the mixing and production.
• Track 3 "Blame Me" is a tribute to Jennifer Lawrence's butler.
• Track 5-8 is just an old Meineke radio commercial on a loop.
• If you play the album backwards, Adele will appear at your house and organize your bills.
• Adele has a hidden track located exactly 18 minutes after the last track of The Flaming Lips' 2013 album "The Terror."
• Most of the album's subject matter reflects Adele's major issues as a 25 year old, like lost love, still getting carded at bars, and not saving your money for retirement.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
When you finally get a horse in Minecraft and bring it back to your base, you might be content for a while. However, what if your friend needs one or if yours is hurt? Or maybe you want a horse with better stats. You need to start a horse ranch and breed some more horses. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to do it:
1) Get 2 adult horses or donkeys that have not bred in the last 5 minutes. Pick them based on traits you want the offspring to have. The stats of the two parents will be averaged along with random stats of one imaginary horse. A horse and donkey can breed, resulting in a mule. However the mule will be sterile and unable to breed itself.
2) Get 2 of either: golden apple or golden carrot. Golden apples cost about 900% more gold (72 nuggets compared to 8 nuggets) than golden carrots, so golden carrots are recommended. Which one you use will not affect the offspring. Golden apples or carrots can be crafted by surrounding a carrot with gold nuggets, or an apple with gold ingots, in a workbench.
4) Wait for about a minute. Leave them alone.
5) Enjoy your new foal. It will take approximately twenty minutes for the foal to reach adulthood (if the chunk is loaded), but this can be sped up. To make the foal grow faster, feed it hay bales, wheat, sugar, apples, golden apples, and golden carrots. To make the foal instantly grow up, feed it five golden apples (20 golden ingots), or seven hay bales (63 wheat), or 60 wheat, or 64 sugar, or 24 golden carrots (21 and 1/3 golden ingots), or 20 apples. There is an intermediate stage between the foal and the adult, which looks like an adult, but you can't ride the horse yet.
And speaking of bales, I once drove the actor Christian Bale to a charity event in Jersey City. Nice guy, but he hates questions about Batman. Good tipper, though.
Stay safe, kids!
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Once again, Pantone releases a series of New York-inspired colors for use in graphic design and fashion, calling this their "2015 Fall Collection."
You can tell this is the Fall Collection because of all the leaves in the puddles of piss.