Friday, February 27, 2015

A Brief List of Terrible Baby Names For Girls

Medulla Oblongata

Thursday, February 26, 2015

A Brief List of Terrible Baby Names For Boys

Carlos Reyes Undocumento
Kim Jong Un, Jr.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Monday, February 23, 2015

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Write A Vince's Uncle Roberto EADJ Entry

1) Find a multi-step instructional text–ANY text– to get started. Include the intro if you can.

2) Copy and paste that shit into your blog entry. Don't forget to include the requisite Uncle Roberto photo ("Drive4.jpg").

3) Add a snide comment by Uncle Roberto that's about him driving a limo but tangentially related to the lesson given.

4) Hit "post."

And speaking of "post," when leaving the limo, please don't hit a road sign with the door. That scratches the heck out of the doors and is very expensive to buff out. Exit safely, kids.

Friday, February 20, 2015

The ProofrEADJer, End of February Edition

From "American Psycho:"

Okay, the one below confuses me:

Is the garlic bread free? Then it's a typo. But does the garlic bread complement the pasta and wine nicely? Then, no typo. Which is it? Maybe a place with a 8.5x11 table tent doesn't serve wine and food pairings.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Product Descriptors On The Back Of A Package Of The Trim Men Personal Care Set

Sony Pictures, Columbia TriStar, Universal and Disney are bidding top dollar for the following script properties, all due for release in January 2016:

"Nail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A period piece set in the 1800s, where a young socialite (Knightley) has a dreadful hangnail, and whose two suitors (Firth & Redmayne) compete for her affection.

"Toenail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A movie completely unrelated to "Nail Clipper," this stars Eddie Redmayne as a podiatrist in the 1950s who gets involved in a murderous scheme to overthrow his landlord (Firth) and marry his wife (Knightley). 

"Personal Care: Scissors," starring Carey Mulligan, Dominic West, and Jenny McCarthy. A horror movie set in a strip mall spa. Dominic West stars as the faceless killer bent on cleaning all the blonde hairs out of his spa, even if it's attached to women.

"Sapphire File," starring Gabourey Sidibe and Alan Cumming. Sidibe reprises her role as Precious, but this time she's recruited by an MI6 agent (Cumming) to prevent the assassination of the Queen of England. Based on a short story thrown away by Sapphire. Look for a wacky cameo with Mo'Nique!

"Comb" A low-budget short biography of P. Diddy.

"Storage Case," starring Liam Neeson, Tim Robbins, Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes. Three assassins (Neeson, Cooper and Mendes) do everything they can to take out a mob informer (Robbins) but keep leaving their stuff behind. Eventually the mob informer collects enough of their leave-behinds to defend himself. It's "Home Alone" meets "Rambo." No? Okay, I got another one...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 16

The following hashtags are so unused and lonely, they called their ex-girlfriend just to talk.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Gangsta checklist: baggy pants, check. Belly tat, check. Gat, check. Tight dreads, check. Sideways hat, check. Large coffee from Auntie Anne's with two sugars and one cream, check.

 I swear I first read this as "FART LIFE" and liked that way better.

Geraldine found a new use for one of those black headlight "bras" people used to put on the front of their Camaros.

Amazingly, a photographer's assistant didn't try to be a wiseass and throw a ping pong ball between their heads for a quick game of Plinko.

Finally, hip hop emcees act like gentlemen and give the bitches front and center stage. You've come such a long way, bitches!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A Bunch Of Dumb Things Paparazzi Often Say To Celebrities

"Over here!"
"Happy Rosh Hashanah, Mr. Clooney!"
"Are you ever reuniting with Sean Penn?"
"Is that a cold sore?"
"Over here! Over here! Over here! What are you famous for, again?"
"What are your thoughts on German Chancellor Angela Merkel?"
"Show us your pussy!"
"Did you kill Heath Ledger?"
"I really liked your tits in 'Glee.'"
"Your fly is open. Psyche!"
"Look into my camera hole!"
"¿Cómo te llamas?"
"Pizza delivery over here! Not really!" click
"Aren't you Sheldon from 'Big Bang Theory?' I hate that show."
"Taylor Swift, could you get out of the way? Rosie O' Donnell's behind you."
"That's it. Arch your back, Mr. Aiken!"
"These are gonna be the best shots of you in sweatpants, I swear!"
"I really enjoyed your performance in 'Norbert.'"
"Show us your ballsack!"
"Is that an Oscar-nominated vanilla latte you're holding?"
"Wow, you're even hotter when you're trying to hit me with your car!"
"Look over here! Look over here! I'm sitting on your cat!"
"This is a bottom feeder's job, and I'm just right for it!"
"Over here, Mr. Zmed!"

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

An Open Letter From Seasoned Steel Guitar Player Don Gillespie To Taylor Swift

Hello Darlin',

Just wanted to say hello and "long time no see." Ever since you "crossed over" to popular music and pretty much walked away from your country roots, my workload has been prett-y light, let me tell you.

Yep, your music definitely feels different now. There is no sign of the swooning, romantic sounds of good ol' back country roads from a steel guitar in your 2012 album "Red," which sold 1.2 million copies in its first week of release. And recently in your album "1989," you ditched ol' Don Gillespie's steel guitar again, this time for synth beats and what they call "electronic-a."

Don't get me wrong– I don't begrudge you any of your success. The fact that you've hung out with Victoria's Secret models, wrote an anthem for New York City and even started your own line of clothes are fantastic achievements, not just for a young woman your age, but for anyone.

But darlin, Don Gillespie's got to eat, too. Let me help you do a remix of "Shake It Off," but with some real down home, Nashville flavor! Listen to the steel guitar tracks I sent you for "Blank Space," "Style," and "Bad Blood." I know we could work something out so that "Welcome To New York" becomes a national anthem! Give Don a call!

You have no idea how sick of Ramen noodles old Don has gotten.

– Don G.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

An Imagined Conversation

"I still think there's somebody prowling in our yard, honey. You did call the police, right?"
"The police? No."
"Why not?! I thought you said you called the authorities."
"No, I said I called El Toro-Tees. They're on their way with collectible ceramic plates, NYPD souvenir T-shirts and small statues of the Freedom Tower."
"Oh thank Jesus!"