Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Let's Run A Greasy Comb Through The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall via email:

"I have no idea who this is."


Monday, April 28, 2014


The following unedited, uncorrected Lobsterfest entry was written after drinking about 8 "Dark & Stormy" cocktails and some expensive scotch on the rocks at a hotel bar in Toronto, which I have to admit knocked me off my dick:

You hire Benny Hinn, aka Sir Elton John, to change the lyrics of his classic hit "Crocodile Rock" to something about "Lobster Rock." All proceeds of the food sold will go to Princess Di's children- who are grown already- instead of to the B-52s who could have used the money. Life is a grand, unfair Lobsterfest.

Five fists in, you gather yourself and forget about all your troubles about dragons or vomit or whatever and MAKE YOURSELF SEE.

Luggage tags. Now that's a thematic, surprising way to ejoy lobster at the Lobsterfest at Lobsterfest®!

An OSX Update on your computer contains an .EXE file which turns out to be digitized pieces of real lobster meat. When you update your computer to OS X Version 10.8.6 ("Lobster") your desktop background changes to a bright red and nothing fucking works, and the only way to unlock your new brick of a laptop is to scream the word "lobster" into the built-in microphone. That doesn't seem like a complicated way at all to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, does it? Oh yeah, no free wi-fi here.

If I were a betting man, I'd put money down on some property currently occupied by the local Crab Shack. In time, through intimidation and the cruel hand of market forces, the owners of the Crab Shack would be forced to close down. I would then swoop in, purchase the property under their struggling feet, and set up an illegal lobster stand with two folding tables and a kettle. Now fuck you, that would sell some cocksucking lobster at cocksucking Lobsterfest circle R and Red Lobster.

Friday, April 25, 2014

An Open Letter To Pierce The Veil

Dear Pierce The Veil,

Wassup guys. How's it going. Oh, I'm good- thanks for asking. Hey, listen. I got the Rockabilia.com catalog in the mail the other day, with youse guys on the cover. Vic, Mike, Jaime and Tony, you guys all look great. Glad to see that everyone is doing well.

So I looked on the other side of the cover, and I was honestly astounded at how many different logos and type treatments for your band there are out there. I couldn't even spot two of the same design anywhere on the page! 

Look, guys. Wikipedia says you formed back in 2006. Eight years is long enough time to settle on a logo. ONE LOGO. The Beatles, AC/DC, Zeppelin, Nirvana. All of them had the occasional offshoot, but they stuck with a "flagship" logo that worked and built serious equity. You guys need to stop fucking around and land on something here. Seriously. I am not tattooing all 13 of these brainstormed ideas on my back. Get back to me ASAP.

Not really a fan and just doing this for this bit,


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Let's Use The Swiffer Wet Jet On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, a loud fan distracts a UNC free throw with the Miley Cyrus song "Wrecking Ball."

"Seen this? I love it so very much." -Tom

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

6 Lies Told By The "Street Sense" Brochure, Handed Out By My Local Police

Some cops (at least I think they were cops)  handed these poorly-photocopied brochures out at my local train station in New Jersey. This shit is riddled with lies.

1) If it's common sense, how come you have to print and hand out brochures about it?

2) Walking across a supermarket parking lot with your feet in shopping bags is NOT common sense.

3) "Trust your instincts." Jesus Lord. There are so many stupid, misguided, immature, delusional, and bat-shit crazy people out there already trusting their instincts, that it renders this advice useless.

4) "Don't pick up hitchhikers. Don't hitchhike. Period." Exception: if it's a really, really sexy hitchhiker wearing Daisy Dukes shorts with nobody hiding behind the bush directly behind her, it's totally okay.

5) "If someone harasses you, don't be embarrassed. Loudly say 'Leave me alone!' If that doesn't work, hit the emergency device." LIES. There is no emergency device on a bus. That is a cord telling the driver to drop you off so you can get mugged off her bus.

6) Why is the National Crime Prevention Council illegally copying clearly COPYWRITTEN MATERIAL? Are they above the law? Also, a photocopy is not always printed on recycled paper. Lies lies lies.

EADJ is proud to announce the Six Lies Told LEGO set, available exclusively at Discovery Center and this website. This enjoyable LEGO playset features 5 custom lying mini-figures, an underwater vehicle, a shark, and over 500 individual pieces of false information. Start lying today!

Friday, April 18, 2014

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Due to the poor mileage of his customized low-rider, Clyde Carson's drive to the Hollywood hills cost him $673.87.

Hey Dae Dae and Just Rich Gates, there's no need to Photoshop Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone into your mixtape cover- those guys are more than happy to show up for $100 apiece.

Luckily for Master P, a tank blew a hole in the side of the garage, thereby foiling his suicide attempt to inhale exhaust fumes from a miniature Rolls.


Someone left a deer carcass on the Queensbridge, y'all.

How smooth is Tory Lanez? So smooth that he can make Fly Girls from 1994 time travel and hang out with him on the floor of his local Chipotle.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Google+ Bonus

I made the mistake of joining Google+, and so far the benefits of this have escaped me. Until today.

I noticed something in my Google+ notices, and opened it up to find THIS:

What the fartshit? Well, you regular EADJ readers might notice that photo was from an April 1 entry named "On The Next Episode of the Lifetime Original Series 'Walkway To Parking.'"

This was Google+'s attempt at some April Fool's humor by having David Hasselhoff photobomb any photos you had uploaded that day. And I gotta say, he actually completes the tableau quite nicely. Melissa Joan Hart is essentially in the same celebrity wheel house as the Hoff. And both wish it were 1993 again when they could score a table at Sardi's.

Two interesting things I noticed from this new photo's data:

• my shit low res image is now a wondrous 1600 x 1200 wallpaper, suitable for YOUR COMPUTER NOW

• the meta-data on the Photoshopped-and-then-photobombed image STILL contained the correct information about the camera I used to shoot the background photo. Frightening!

Monday, April 14, 2014

An Imagined Conversation

The following is a continuation of a previous imagined conversation:

"Mike, I'm scared. I'm trying to walk to you, but I think I"m going in circles!"

"Where are you now, Sandy?"

"I'm at the Party Center."

"Well, shit, now I'm at the Snack Station. How did I not pass you?"

"There must be multiple ways to get there, Mike."

"Are you still there at the Party Center? I think I see it now."

"No, I'm now at the Battery Center."

"Battery Center?! Where the hell is that?! I'm now at the Video Center. Who knows how far those two are from each other. Jesus. Should we meet back at the Snack Station, or do you want to come to me?"

"I'm so tired, Mike. I think I might lie down and sleep for a while."