Friday, August 31, 2012

Coming Soon To Lifetime, Television For Women: "Walkway To Parking"



Everyone’s got something to hide and Donna Parks is no exception. Melissa Joan Hart plays Donna, a single mother living in a small New Jersey town who makes a shocking discovery: a shortcut to the parking lot from the bank. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in no trouble at all if it was ever exposed. Donna's life as a single Mom is thrown into a world of confusion and intrigue as she struggles with her secret while keeping two kids busy and fed. Mother in one moment, stealthy shortcut gatekeeper the next. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet Donna's totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets. 


Full Cast

Melissa Joan Hart as Donna Parks

Danielle Fishel as Donna's friend Max

David Coulier and Alanis Morissette as the nosy neighbors

Sam Elliott as the parking chief


Sundays at 2am/1 Central, Premiering Sept. 8



Thursday, August 30, 2012

6 Lies Told In The Liberty Village Premium Outlets Back-To-School & Fall Preview Sale Brochure


1. The joyful affection between little girl and the young woman is faked.

2. They're not related. The young, thin woman has obviously never even given birth before.

3. The little girl is not actually a ballerina.

4. Not actually open from 10am to 6pm on Sunday. About around 5:45pm, Judy starts locking up the DSW entrance and declares that the mall is closed. Judy is usually in a hurry to get home to watch HBO's "Veep," starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

5. It's actually hard to "Shop Brilliantly" when stores like Sunglass Hut and Orange Julius are being run by kids who barely graduated high school.

6. If you follow Church Street to the end, you wind up in an old cotton field with a scarecrow in a turtleneck and overalls.

Uh, No Thanks


Pictured below, I change my mind about buying some breakfast yogurt for my son after noticing the batch lot number.




Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Entropy At Pathmark

The Second Law of Thermodynamics states that in general, the total entropy of any system is always increasing.















EMBRACE THE CHAOS. WHITNEY HOUSTON CD COLLECTION.

Monday, August 27, 2012

An Important Message From Cox Cable


Hello, faithful Cox Cable subscribers.

In the past month, you may have noticed that some of the services that we at Cox Cable provide to over 700,000 of our customers have not been to our usual standards. Namely, that many of you do not have TNT on your TVs anymore. This prevents many of you from watching the hit show "Rizzoli & Isles."

The truth of the matter is, Cox Cable Inc. has been in negotiations with TNT with regards to the licensing of the programming, and TNT is frankly being serious dicks about it. This last week marks the eighteenth week that we've gone back and forth in our haggling with TNT over the price per episode that the next year's contract should be.

It is our primary mission to ensure that you Cox Cable subscribers get the most fulfilling experience with your service, but we regret to inform you that "Rizzoli & Isles" will not be part of that experience.

We apologize that among the episodes that you have missed due to these negotiations are Episode 3.3 "This Is How The Heart Breaks," in which Maura and Jane save the life of a man brought into the morgue by performing a tracheotomy; Episode 3.4 "Welcome To The Dollhouse," in which Jane and Maura are on the case of a killer that dresses his victims as 1980's dolls while Korsak finds a dog that turns out to be a dog for soldiers with PTSD; and Episode 3.5 "Throwing Down The Gauntlet," in which Maura's biological mother, Dr. Hope Martin (played by Sharon Lawrence) turns out to be a very successful doctor who help women and children in need.

But them's the breaks since TNT have been serious dicks about negotiations.

"Why the dick should I care about your stupid negotiations?" you might ask us. And you'd be right. Why should you care about some backroom dealings that we're having with TNT, and why are we airing our dirty laundry like some wronged teen girlfriend? And why aren't there any "Rizzoli & Isles" episodes on TV, dammit?!?!?!?

And you'd be right. It is bad corporate practice for us to run vindictive anti-TNT promos when what we should be doing is groveling at the feet of TNT and begging them to give us more quality programming like "Rizzoli & Isles" to our wonderful customers. We should get over ourselves and provide the richest, most COMPLETE lineup you've come to expect from Cox Cable!

Or not. Stay tuned till next week to see if you fuckers get to watch Episode 3.6 "Money Maker," in which Maura sets up a dinner date with Hope and her daughter. As soon as Maura does this she regrets this decision insisting that her home is a mess, and doesn't know what to cook for her. Just as she asks Jane what to do, they are called on the case of a right ear, that is stuck to the house of a Georgette, who is working on selling the house. Just as the garbage truck comes, Jane stops them, to find out that their victim, Neal Murray, is in the trashcan. Maura finds that Neal had erectile dysfunction, and had to inject medicine into the left side of his shaft, she finds that the murderer is right handed because the last injection mark is on the low right side. Later that night at dinner just as Hope and her daughter, Kayleen, arrive Maura finds that the drawing of Hope is still on her wall. During dinner Jane, Maura, Angela, Hope and Kayleen discuss about how moving has been hard on her and how she has to move schools. When dinner is over, Kayleen leaves early wanting to be alone, moments later Hope follows her insisting that she is fragile and needs her mother. The next day, Hope reveals that Kayleen is ill with a bacterial infection, and she is need of a kidney transplant. Later Maura decides that she's going to donate a kidney to Kayleen anonymously, since she believes they're a match. Frost and Jane find out that Neal was running an underground sex party, and that the night Neal was murdered there was a party at that house, and that Georgette is the realtor on all the houses. It is found out that Georgette is a former prostitute. Later, Jane and Maura go into one of the sex parties that Georgette throws, Jane works by taking hairs from the call girls, and Maura examines them to see if they're the one who killed Neal. When Jane goes back to get more hairs, she hears a scream, and finds that Georgette has been murdered and pushed into the pool. At the end it is found out that the wife of the coach murdered Neal and Georgette. At the end of the episode, Kayleen tells Maura that she knows who she is, and she doesn't want her kidney. Hope, who has been frantically looking for Kayleen, walks in and Maura tells her that she is Paddy Doyle's daughter, Hope tells her she doesn't want anything to do with her, walking out and leaving Maura in tears.

Friday, August 24, 2012

An Imagined Conversation


"Okay, drill that last rivet, and I think we're done."

"No, wait, Gordy. Don't come down yet."

"What's the matter? The pharmacy sign is up, and it's level! So, brewskies!"

"Nope. It's not centered now."

"What?! I measured the distance from the letters to the outlines. That thing is centered, Kevin."

"Yes, the letters are, but that gray bar they're on is sticking out the right side. It looks stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. We still have those extra letters in the truck that say 'Dept.,' so let's fill the rest of that space with those letters! It can say 'Pharmacy Dept.!'"

"That's brilliant, Kevin! Wait. Does that even make any sense?"

"Brewskies!"

Another Lemon Party With Old Men


Pictured above, not to be outdone by Arnold Palmer's ubiquitous Arnold Palmers, Jack Nicklaus releases "Golden Bear Lemonade," which to me sounds like the other thing a bear does in the woods.

And with mango?! They're stretching the brand connection pretty far there. Wikipedia says Nicklaus does live in North Palm Beach, so I guess that's where it's supposed to come from.

And do we need a tit joke in the window display? I know, male audience, etc., but shit, Arnold. Show some class, you old putting coot.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Confusing, Terrifying and Tragic World of Ghetto Cereal

All kids love cereal, but because of the bad economy due to a Socialist Muslim President and not because thousands of corporations are outsourcing jobs to cheaper labor overseas, their parents cannot always afford to grab the name brand stuff. Here now is a quick rundown of the versions of your favorites that supermarkets have served up for cheap:

Crisp Crunch


Food Lion decided to demote the Cap'n and turn him into a dinosaur/lizard thing with striped arms, a Harry Potter scar on his nose, a wifebeater and a trendy trucker hat with the supermarket's initials on it. "Crisp" certainly looks less crazy than the Cap'n but looks like he's more comfortable washing dishes or snaking your toilet. Plus he votes Republican.


Alt: "Crisp" is also a hairy turtle who sits in a disco hot tub full of cereal and eats it.


Alt 2: Krunch Heads kept the nautical theme, but their mascot is a seal/hippo thing that never got promoted. Probably because he's too dumb to realize that he's trying to ladle cereal with a tiny spoon.



Fruit Rings


A fruity multicolored toucan has been morphed into a multicolored dragon. "Follow your fire-breathing snout!" doesn't have the same ring to it. Fruit Rings is a pretty lame name, wouldn't you say, Food Lion?



Alt: Toons Fruit Rings uses a hobo clown juggling cereal. Yeah, I want a vagabond train rider touching my breakfast with their bare hands. Thanks.



Alt. 2: Fruity Hoops. Temmy (Temmy?!) opts for another reptilian alternate, an alligator who simply can't wait for the milk to finish pouring before diving in. Fucking chill, man!




Berrry Treets




The Cap'n gets another shore leave as he's replaced by a red bear/dinosaur creature who can't spell for shit.



Frosted Flakes


It's a good thing that "Frosted Flakes" isn't copyrighted, because that allows supermarkets to simply swap the tiger out for a lion and confuse customers into buying their version.



Magic Stars


Lucky the Leprechaun is swapped out for a fat genie in a bathrobe, who also has magical powers and has a piercing he'd like to show you when you have the time. No thanks, Star Man.



Apple Dapples


Once again, Food Lion throws a dragon in there from a lack of imagination. No, wait. Is that a green rhino? Putting the cereal on his valuable, much-poached front horn? Okay, that is adorable.



KOO-KIES!



Everybody knows that raccoons like sorting through garbage cans, looking for half eaten chicken bones or cantaloup rinds and not minding touching used maxi pads. This raccoon (who apparently really liked the Charlotte Hornets) gets his filthy, disgusting claws all over cereal in the shape of cookies. 


Cocoa Crunchies


Trading in Sonny, an apoplectic bird for a friendlier, huggable gorilla seems to have paid off, almost every box of Coca Crunchies has been lapped up. Good on ya, Food Lion!


Confruity Crisp

Jesus Lord. I know Food Lion wanted to stay prehistoric with a Fruity Pebbles knock-off, but this mutant velociraptor stirring the bowl makes me want to scream and stomp on it. And "Confruity?!" I'm really confruited by that name.



Honorable Mentions


"Am I Buzz Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios? No, but I get that a lot. Instead, I'm Brazzers Bee, and I like unloading white milk all over your honey balls. Hey, where are you going?"


Look. Somebody ran the comp.


Cow turds. That was a poor choice. Or are those giraffes? Giraffe turds.


Monkey turds. (Temmy?!)


Sweet Flakes confuses both Frosted Flakes customers and fans of Froot Loops. (Temmy?!)


A drunk frog dips his dick into your rice crisps, baby.

(Temmy?!)

EADJ: The Editorial Quality Is Definitely Slipping


Yesterday we posted what we thought was an entry that we had forgotten to post, and it turns out we had already posted the damn thing as a makeup post for forgetting to post anything for the first time in the history of EADJ.

Words cannot describe how embarrassed the editorial staff is at this double gaffe, and we assure both of you reading that are working hard to provide you with the best, freshest, most non-redundant content on the blogosphere.

Seacrest out.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

BREAKING NEWS-ISH



I got an email today from my local NJ suburban township, which admittedly doesn't have a full police blotter every week. The subject line: RABID BAT ALERT

August 21, 2012:  A bat that was found in Memorial Park on Monday morning August 20 was tested and found to have rabies.  The bat was acting unusual in that it was hanging on the side of a tree very low to the ground.  The tree is next to the blacktop walkway that runs from the Civic House to Oakview Ave, on the east side of the brook.  Thanks to an alert resident who contacted us early in the morning, the bat was removed by 9:00am prior to the start of any child day camps in the park.  The bat was captured and tested at the NJ State Health Dept. laboratory and found to have rabies.  There is no danger to any person or pet unless they had direct contact with the bat.  At this point no one has reported any contact with this bat.  If you know of any person or pet that may have had contact with this bat, please call the Maplewood Health Dept., XXX-XXX-XXXX x4400.


All this for ONE BAT. Nothing worse than having a full blotter anyway.


Smecial Dreams Entry!


These two from me:





And this almost-one from Tom:

Monday, August 20, 2012

Why Do We Make Fun Of The Way People Dress In The EADJ Fashion Roundup? Is It Because We Are Insecure In The Way We Look And Need To Feel Better About Ourselves By Putting Down Other People?

Maybe.



Frank shows he doesn't give a shit what you think about his man purse and pattern shirt tucked into his high waisted shorts, not to even mention his pink socks and loafers. Fuck you for noticing.



Although Samantha suffers from color blindness, it shouldn't excuse her from picking a coat that morphs from terrible Japanese charcoal drawing to Van Gogh post-impressionistic patterns. 


"I say, dear sir! I do believe I have misplaced my walking cane somewhere about these parts whilst distractedly admiring the window display of this nearby "Dress Barn" establishment! If you would be so good as to direct me to the local lost and found... hello, is that a gun you're pointing at me?"


WEIRD AL LIVES.



Combover x slick back = bean sprout pinch


And then came along this guy whose outfit  I cannot begin to comment on.  It's like a big ball of twine that you can never find the end for. Utterly awesome.




No more calls, please. We have a winner.