Party!

In the December issue of NJ Kids' Directory, we spotted an ad for a party venue called Once Upon A Party, which seems to be prepared for pretty much any themed party:


(It's "under new management," so you know there's less kidnapping.)

After calling the place, it turns out that the list of parties in the ad isn't their full menu. Here are some additional themed parties that they didn't have room to include:

• Bachelor Party
• Key Party
• Monkey Adoption/Abandonment Party
• Mommy Just Needs To Sit Down For A Minute And Have A Scotch Party
• Pity Party
• It's Time To Grow The Fuck Up Party
• Tea Party (Which Claims To Be About Less Government Intervention And Fiscal Responsibility But Actually Can't Stand The Thought Of Having A Black President)
• Spread Lice Party
• Dad Paid Alimony Party
• Sweet 16 Party
• Sweet 36 Party
• Basque Nationalist Party
• Compulsory Attendance Party
• Party That None Of These Little Shits Will Ever Remember
• Canker Party
• Fudgepacking Party
• Intervention
• Heavy Metal Parking Lot Party

Smecial Dreams Entry!

Spotted At A Supermarket Book Section

Apparently, all black women are really looking for is a shaved torso.

Kid's Domino Is Ambivalent.

A Thanksgiving Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.


Please note: forwarded message attached

From: Helen Safre
To: undisclosed recipients: ;
Subject: Jesus Laughing :) This is really good!
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:46:50 -0700 (PDT)
___________________________________________________________
Obama Urges Homeowners to Refinance
If you owe under $729k you probably qualify for Obama's Refi Program
SeeRefinanceRates.com





Thanks, Cement Bird! You have a good Thanksgiving, too!

Backhand

Pictured below, it's good to see that Lucky, through all the years, has kept his pimp hand strong.

I Can't Believe I Friended You Fuckers

Pictured above, three vapid entries from my Facebook friends, whose identities I've protected by blurring their names and replacing their profile photos with that of skunk anuses.

Sbarro

Pictured below, a sign at Sbarro announces who's on duty.


Good God, I made a whole entry out of this?

Three Stupid Captchas

And this one submitted by Matt S., who apparently torrents from work:

Another IM Convo

An IM Convo

And inevitably:

Blackberry Face II

The EADJ Blackberry Face is proud to announce a new addition to their exhibit: "Frank."


This coupled with our existing exhibit, "Maggie," now doubles the Blackberry Face exhibit, already on display:


:C

In Search Of The Gravy Master

So that convenience store in my town is somehow still in business, and earlier this morning I spotted a new sign in the window:


Gravy Master?! What the fuck is that? Whatever it is, it's only $2.99. I started wondering what the hell a Gravy Master is and didn't want to spoil it by Googling it or "Binging" it. Here are some theories:

• Gravy Master is a rare collectible action figure from the Masters Of The Universe collection. A villain who often teams up with Skeletor to vanquish He-Man, Gravy Master uses his power over molten gravy to drown his enemies in a delicious, meat-based goo.


• Gravy Master was the less-profitable exercise product released by Suzanne Somers in 1987 in an attempt to build off the success of her Thighmaster. It was aimed at overeaters who want to firm their thighs but still be able to enjoy the savory taste of gravy. It sold only 8 units nationwide and now sells for $2.99.


• A "gravy master" is a new backyard wrestling move that involves suddenly dumping fourteen gallons of gravy onto the mat, then rubbing your opponent's belly until he farts. The Insane Clown Posse has released fourteen songs and an EP about this move.


• When a storm front– usually involving a thunderstorm– encounters a sudden pocket of cool air, forcing the nearby clouds to dip down due to a sudden loss of moisture, that weather phenomenon is known as a "gravy master."


So, only later after I wrote these four theories did I reexamine the photo of the convenience store, and the answer to the riddle was right there.


Gravy facepalm!

By the way, DON'T do a Google Image search for "gravy" with the Safesearch option off. Shudder

Let's Empty The Oil Pan Of the EADJ Mail Sack!

From Larry L., a link from Gizmodo about the latest Star Wars merch:

"Even I think this is awesome.
And I'm not into Star Wars."

Link


Yes, it is indeed awesome, but think about it: it's an enlarged representation of a Lego toy version of a Stormtrooper. With a clock in its belly. How more removed from the original trilogy can you be? Other than "Attack Of The Clones," of course.

Shém On You, Hermés!

Spotted in Beverly Hills (don't ask), in front of the Hermés Store (again, don't ask):


A luxury brand reveals its ties to Nazism:




For shame, Hermés! I shall never again spend $4000 on your Black Vache Liegee Leather Paris Bombay Bag! You Nazi fuckers!

Bonus: That there is Kyle S. checking his email in front of the store like it ain't no thang.

An Open Letter To Andrea Bocelli

Hey Man,

Thanks for the newspaper. I had no idea you and me both shared an interest in New Jersey local news and politics. I just assumed since you were a world-renowned opera tenor and the biggest-selling solo artist in the history of classical music, that you wouldn't care about The League of Municipalities convention where they'll debate over a property tax cap or Rutgers coach Greg Schiano's struggles after getting the Scarlet Knights tied for last place in the Big East. Who knew?

I mean, when you sang the part of Canio in Ruggero Leoncavallo's Pagliacci back in 2007, I had no idea you would one day be gladdened like I was at Governor Chris Christie patching up his sometimes rocky relationship with the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce ever since they strongly supported his then-opponent incumbent Jon Corzine!

Thanks again for for the paper, Andre. It has a lot of old articles about Artie Lang selling his Hoboken home and all, but the Sudoku is pretty fresh.

Keep On Peddling, George

Mere days after a recent entry about George Lucas' relentless merchandizing of Star Wars, this cub reporter actually got to go to LUCASFILM STUDIOS in San Francisco, courtesy of his good friend Pat.

And along with all the historic awesome props, maquette sculptures and matte paintings from famous movies, OF COURSE there was a gift shop on the premises. With an ATM nearby.


And along with the videogames, t-shirts, hoodies, mugs, cups, action figures, DVDs, books, towels, caps, necklaces, notebooks, pencils, pens, backpacks, sunglasses, posters, wristwatches, bracelets, sweatshirts, baseball caps, stocking caps, coffee cups, water bottles, fleece jackets, and children's books, they also sold wine. Yes, wine.


"Viandante Del Cielo." Get it? Skywalker.


See, it's not crass because it's in Spanish.

Here is a semi-serious review of the actual wine.

Penis And Vagina Mugs Found In Jersey Shed

So I found these two beauties in the backyard toolshed sometime last year- yet another treasure left by the previous homeowner.


And while Andrew (while visiting us) was impressed by them, here is J'Net's reaction to the aforementioned items:



Meanwhile, in the shitty movie "Land Of The Lost:"

Yeeks.

So recently on Facebook, I friended a former classmate from high school, and 99.99% of her profile photos are this:


And not just pictures of Betty Boop, but very sexualized pictures of Betty Boop.


If you're wondering if this person really resembles a super-leggy Playboy model with a head as large as a beer cooler, you're wrong. She's fat.

Proof I'm Going To Die In A Cab

The Return of Racist Appliances