Thursday, September 30, 2010

Indiana Jones and The Curse Of Not Being Able To Eat Lunch In Peace Anywhere

Spotted in a noodle shop on 50th Street: a photo on the wall reveals that Indiana Jones wasn't as happy to see Short Round again as one would think.

The thing that's truly amazing about this photo is that whoever took it totally captured the midpoint between a smile and a frown on Harrison Ford's face. I mean, his eyes are kind of smiling, but his mouth just sort of gave up.

Try this fun bonus trick: Look at the photo, and you can sort of see him smiling. Now look away, then look back at him. He's not smiling anymore!

These noodles are chewy. Get it?!?

Relevant link

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Words of Encouragement

Pictured below, some graffiti in a stall at a bar bathroom in Brooklyn:

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

From A Recent Issue of "The Maplewood Leaflet"

Page 5 of The Maplewood Leaflet featured an article on how to control mold in your home.

Tips included ventilating bathrooms, installing sump pumps, and replacing dry wall that has been exposed to flooding.

Interestingly enough, in the same issue on page 10, there is a section on how to control Bob Mould in your home.

Now, controlling the songwriter and former guitarist/singer for Hüsker Dü and Sugar in your home is a little more complex than you might think. First of all, many young home owners haven't heard the double album "Zen Arcade" or even "Candy Apple Grey," so identifying the very presence of Bob Mould in your home can be a challenge. So here are ways to detect Bob Mould in your home:

• Your linoleum floors are marked with clean production, good pacing and collaboration with Grant Hart
• The distinct odor of not breaking out of alt-rock into mainstream music
• Odd sounds behind drywall, like the announcement of North American tour dates
• NME keeps dropping by to declare your foyer "Album Of The Year"
• Bleak down-and-out lyrical imagery like "He's hardly getting over it/Hardly getting used to getting by" has been upsetting your pets

Hopefully by identifying Bob Mould in your home, you can act quickly to save your home from mistakenly leaving SST for Warner Brothers Records and keep it from being too exposed to the pre-"120 Minutes" 1980's American indie scene.

Monday, September 27, 2010

This Week of EADJ Is Brought To You By OraMoist

OraMoist is the first over-the-counter time-released dry mouth disc for whoever has extremely dry mouths, whether it's folks who stand around with their mouths open all day (see Sean "Diddy" Combs) or dudes what smoked a serious bunch of kush, knowhutImean, bud? Huh huh huh huh

Here's how OraMoist works: You stick the disc at the top of your mouth, which stays there for a good 4 hours, then you walk around with a mouth full of spit like Pavlov's fucking dog, drooling all over your shirt and making the girls at work think you're some kind of pervert.

Try OraMoist today, and enjoy the benefits of spitting a huge wad in the face of your sworn enemy! C'est magnifique!

Friday, September 24, 2010

The True Identity of The World's Greatest Detective.

So I was reading comics at work, and I stumble upon the "making of" section in the back of Alex Ross' book "The World's Greatest Super-Heroes."

Btw, Alex Ross is this awesome artist who paints realistic comics using gouache and watercolor brushes, but he often uses photo reference to really capture realistic poses.

So in one section, I recognize the name of a storyboard artist I used to work with when I worked at Unnamed Organization in Chicago. Matt had actually gone by the nickname "Nightcrawler," because he often drew TV storyboards for us late at night.

So, all this time, I was essentially asking Bruce Wayne to draw frames for Ore-Ida Krinkle-Cut Microwave French Fries. And instead of snapping my neck or subduing me with a well-thrown batarang, Matt just drew happy people holding bullshit packaging. I feel horrible now.

I also feel foolish that instead of calling his landline, I could have just turned on a flashlight and pointed it at the sky.

He watches over the city, a grim soul fighting a relentless war on crime. By day, a multi-billionaire playboy. By night, a dark knight cloaked in shadows, preying on the forces of evil. Unless, of course, you have some storyboard work you need done overnight. He'll send some pencil sketches to you first, then if you like, he'll ink them in and color them in time for the presentation.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Stickin' It To Tha Man, Dawg

Spotted at a hip-hop music festival: three dudes tag a recycling bin. Really.

A recycling bin.


Monday, September 20, 2010

Pure Laziness In My Office Building

Spotted in Union, NJ

Creepy sleepy-eyed children + vaguely militaristic/homoerotic policeman = fantastic airbrushed mural

Friday, September 17, 2010

How Insufferably Hipster is the Williamsburg Neighborhood in Brooklyn?

The Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn is so insufferably hipster, that even the ice cream truck there is insufferably hipster.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Blackberry Face

Blackberry Face affects 1 in 30 Blackberry users.

What is Blackberry Face?
Blackberry Face is an expression similar to Sturgeon Face, except it appears during moments of intense concentration, rather than when saying, "Not bad, but could be better." The mouth is turned down, the chin protrudes a little, and the user starts to resemble Jim Backus from "Gilligan's Island" or one of those statues on Easter Island. (They're both island-related; what could that mean?)

Should people stop using Blackberrys?
Absolutely. But not to avoid having Blackberry Face. People should stop using smartphones in general because it makes them look like total tools when they're friends are trying to have a serious conversation with them. Are you even listening to me, Gail?


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The EADJ ProofrEADJer, September Edition

And submitted just this morning by Scott Wild(!):

But I think this has to be the granddaddy of typo shots:

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hemp Milk? Hemp Milk.

I found some hemp milk at Pathmark in the alternative milk section. Who knew hemp had tits?

For "only" $3.49, you can enjoy hemp in your own home without the smoke. And without the lactose-intolerant farting. And is that shit green? I think it is.

In addition to it having so many nutrients and vitamins, apparently you can make rope with this milk. I decided to listen to the hemp activists for once ("George Washington weaved hemp into his famous wig, man.") and give this new product a go.

I forgot to notice two important things in trying this stuff:

1) You should refrigerate this before chugging. Yuck.

2) You should shake the box so the flavor is better than hemp water.

Final verdict: Hemp Water makes soy milk taste amazing by comparison. Which ain't easy.

Monday, September 13, 2010

An Imagined Conversation.

"So dude, which insect repellent should I get, the Cutter Skinsations Ultra Light or the Cutter Advanced Sport?"
(long silence)
"When were you going to tell me you were gay?"

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Brief Summary and Critique of "The Cat Sitter Trilogy," As Sold At Petsmart

The Cat Sitter Trilogy at first glance is a series of innocent DVDs designed to amuse your cats while you go out whoring at clubs. Closer analysis, however, reveals a tightly-constructed narrative that begins with a simple coming of age story and builds into an almost apocalyptic war epic with the fate of nations in the balance. Here now we break the DVDs down into the individual stories that make this impressive story arc.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 1: "Birds" informally titled "Justice Unserved"

Young actor Jay Baruchel plays the awkward teenage kid who runs his father's birdcage shop. He happens upon a secret compartment in the stockroom, and inside is a magical Macguffin which awakens his latent bird powers. The first twenty minutes of this installment covers him learning how to perch, peck and sit inside the little squares in a chain link fence. He is trained by a Japanese man named Xu Daoning, although it's clearly a Chinese name, and he's played by a caucasian actor with eye shadow. Whatever.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 2: "Rodents" informally titled "From Earth We Shall Master Ourselves; To The Sky We Shall Reign Over All"

Jay Baruchel continues as a young, troubled but talented teenager who must unite the world of birds with that of the underground rodents. This second installment, like "The Empire Strikes Back," is all a big downer designed to create new obstacles for our more fleshed out protagonist. Also, the Japanese guy is now played by a Chinese guy. Baby steps.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 3: "Yarn and String" informally titled "Fuck All Y'All"

The production company pulls all the stops in this magnificent third installment. String, yarn, and even thread take part in this epic battle for supremacy. Jay Baruchel has grown a half-decent moustache by now, and the powers he holds over birds and rodents are only matched by his opponent, Xu Daoning! It turns out he was training him all along so that he could defeat him! The battle rages on for almost 3 full minutes before Jay Baruchel decides to use one of his "illegal" moves, thereby defeating his old master, etc etc.

Will cats enjoy this trilogy? I have yet to see a cat not take a swipe at the screen. Will your children like it? You have children and you're still going out whoring? You need to get your priorities straight, Veronica and Angela.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

As If By Popular Demand, The Off-Brand T.P. Roundup Is Back!

Every once in a while, an unloved, forgotten-about EADJ blog segment comes back and bothers everybody again. This is one of those segments.

Brand: Somerset Quality Toilet Tissue
Design: Outline of a red swan to indicate elegance, redness of asshole after using.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Somerset doesn't tear, and that's all I care about." -Susan Boyle

Brand: Greenhouse Bath Tissue
Design: See/say tree inside a house outline. Ambitious claim to "save our environment, one wipe at a time." Also, odd pattern that resembles the carpet in "The Shining."
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Whenever I do cocaine in the bathroom of the courthouse, I use this to wipe my nose. I'll suck your dick for ten dollars." -Lindsay Lohan

Brand: Renature Bathroom Tissue
Design: A witch ring of maple leaves surrounding a pine tree drawn from an art class.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Renature means renal failure can be fun!" -Ali Fedotowsky from "The Bachelorette"

Brand: Renew
Design: White type reversed on green puddle of poo
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Where's my cell phone? I have to use the bathroom. (audible fart)" -Snooki

Brand: SS Quality Bathroom Tissue
Design: Overfat blue letter S's
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Holy goddamn, I lost that entire wad of toilet paper somewhere. Did it evaporate?" -Snooki

Brand: Unnamed threatening gigantic roll of white paper
Design: NONE
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "I just straddled a paper bronco, and I got chafed like you wouldn't believe. Now I have two half-balls." -Jose Canseco

Brand: Green Heritage / Bay West Eco Soft (twofer)
Design: Half-drawn leaf / globe in a styrofoam take-out container
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "None of us have a job. I'm actually ashamed that we don't contribute one iota to society in one productive way. We really are ashamed of ourselves. Why do we even exist?" -the Kardashian sisters / "Nobody likes me, mainly because I'm still an asshole." -Gene Simmons

Brand: Genuine Joe Cleaning & Breakroom Supplies Bath Tissue
Design: Hardworking communist clip art spraying the air
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Now there's a Joe I can put behind me, if ya know what I mean, when it comes to really cleanin' up Washington and all that there stuff there...(wink) (inaudible fart) " -Sarah Palin, via Twitter

*Editor's note: So after checking our archives, it turns out that four of these T.P.s have been reviewed before. Our apologies. We promise it will be an even longer hiatus before we trot this unlovable segment again.