Friday, February 27, 2009

No Habla Breakfast Roll

Spotted at the 4th Avenue/9th Street subway stop:

Eww. Taquitos and coffee sounded weird to begin with, then the big circle said the taquitos were filled with OMELET.

Wow. Nothing like taquitos and coffee to wake you up and make you fart on the way to work. Since when was Mexican cuisine part of this nutritious breakfast? This only sounds delicious when you're drunk at 4am and you can't remember where your left shoe is.


Of course, no ad in New York would be complete without some pithy graffiti commentary:

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Meanwhile, During The Sound Record...

Pictured above, Brynn doesn't realize she's sort of making fun of Danny's hairdo.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Phrases That Work Better Typeset in Curlz MT

(with help from JOEL HIMSELF)

Less teeth, please!

I'm afraid it's malignant!

Look at my infected foot!

There's a sniper in the tower!

This pornography needs more tentacle rape!

We're all gonna fucking die in here!

I'll confess, leave me a hand!

You talkin' to me?

Yes! It IS a glory hole!

This, too, shall pass.

Scream for help all you want. This basement is soundproof.

"God hates fags."

Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed.

Coprophagia Club welcomes you!

God is dead.

I just choked on my own vomit.

Time of death, 11:32 pm

25 Random Things About Joel

The following was cut and pasted from Joel's Facebook profile page:

1. I have eaten dick from all seven continents (penguin dick for Antarctic).

2. Whenever I cook, I often throw a pinch of dick in any of my dishes.

3. Two time Daytime Emmy winner Tom Pelphrey.

4. I am morally opposed to porkpie hats.

5. A bouncer once yelled in his headset, "Let in the dick eater."

6. I have never eaten two dicks at once. Dilutes the experience.

7. My screensaver is a basket of kittens morphing into Glenn Danzig.

8. How do I manage to eat dick at work? I don't have a job, silly!

9. I am also known for my voiceover work. You might recognize my voice in L.A. radio promos for XTreme Truckfest 2009 and Megawrestling Vendetta VII on Pay-Per-View. I'm so lonely.

10. I have trademarked the phrase "Let me cup your balls whilst I eat thy dick, Sailor.™"

11. Extreme poverty once forced me into eating the dick of railroad hobos. But you know, it wasn't that bad once you got past the smell of coal.

12. You know those little mallets that people use to crack open crab shells in seafood places? I use those on my balls.

13. A friend once talked me into being the "back half" of an elephant costume so we could sneak into a government facility.

14. Radio Shack helped put special settings on my GPS for finding the nearest dick.

15. Unfortunately, the only options on the Chipotle menu are chicken, steak, carnitas and barbacoa.

16. Some dude once put Vicks VapoRub on his dick before I ate it. Refreshing!

17. I convinced my chimp servant Chad Yarborough to wear red satin shorts during dinner parties so that his chapped scrotum doesn't distract.

18. I can play Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 without flaw. Except I have to eat a dick while playing. I had to repurpose one of those hands-free harmonica holders.

19. For every dick of men named Dick that I eat, Golden Corral donates $5 to the March of Dimes Foundation.

20. Dick Hootenanny. Now there's an idea.

21. People have sometimes asked me if I also eat balls. No, that would be gross.

22. Nutritionists have never confirmed whether dick is good roughage or not. They never call me back!

23. Never try to eat dick while listening to The Eagles' song "Desperado." It is difficult.

24. Mama didn't raise no fool. But she did raise a helluva dick eater, whut.

25. One time I ate a dick at the Smithsonian. Turns out Dustin Diamond is kind of an asshole.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

That's Funny Cuz

Photo taken last year:

Funny cuz "life" ended up meaning "about 8 months." Stupid bank.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Quick Blogger's Note

David will be on vacation starting Monday and will probably be away from a computer, so he has taken the steps to "front-load" next week's EADJ entries. If all goes well, the entries should post daily and on schedule. If not, you may want to read any one of the other 879,334,233,178,544,3843,537,801,201,276 blogs on the Internet.

New Segment: EADJ Song Hate

Every once in a while, EADJ will "retire" a song in radio circulation (or just in existence) that we've had quite enough of, thank you. Today we hate the song "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp.

Hey, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp, you're a shit song, okay? You're positively terrible.

For one, you have this overlong, masturbatory overture with both organ and electric guitar intros that sound like background music for a Stetson cologne commercial from the 80's. Pretty much a musical mullet. And that motherfucker runs for a whopping 2 minutes and 9 seconds before it stops, THEN starts again! Only at the 2:30 mark do we ever start hearing lyrics. And that's when you really start sucking:

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won't drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!

Bitch, please. That's the payoff after repeating the first line three times? You totally made that "oh- hey uh, what, uh, hit the highway!" bit on the spot! That is TERRIBLE, dude. And it doesn't get much better when it's not the annoying chorus:

Well, I've been walking the streets in the evenin'
Racin' through the human jungle at night
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey - I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light?

Electricity runs thru the video
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all them stonies are dancin' to the radio
And I got the world callin' me up free tonight on the phone

No words. That is some pretty bad writing- "racin' through the human jungle" and rhyming "night" with "light" and "home" with "phone." And I guess since John Cougar Mellencamp wears jeans all the time, all his verbs can't have a "g" at the end, so he's "walkin'" or "sittin'" or "totally suckin' a donkey dick with his god-awful lyric writin'."

The truth is, he sings "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy" only about a dozen times, but the song is so poorly conceived with such an annoying chorus that it seems like he repeats it in the hundreds.

So today we retire you from classic rock stations, Camaro tape decks blaring in high school parking lots and whiskey roadhouse jukeboxes, "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp. Have fun on the golf course! Don't let the door hit you on the ass as you uh-hmm-hey, who-uhh hey, hit the highway.

To purchase "I Need a Lover" by John Cougar Mellencamp from iTunes– though I have no idea why you would ever want to do that– click here.

I just noticed on iTunes that John Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Oh, fuck off.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Damn, Missed It!

This was last Friday, and I had no idea.

I mean, I rarely ever miss the XXX Pre-Valentine's Day Blacktail Booty Fest. It's kind of a yearly tradition with me and my family. (Dang, I should've signed up for the Anthony's Corner Cafe email newsletter!) Then I would have known that if I purchase tickets for myself, my wife, my Mother, Father, and brother, then a ticket for my mother-in-law would have been free. Then we could have all spent a lovely pre-Valentine's Day Friday night having a nice, quiet dinner and then watching the booty drop and roll.

My Dad would have truly enjoyed Dakota's chin-straddling booty shake or Juicy's trademark "down low" ass pump. And Mom would have feigned offense but would have loved to watch 69 do her nasty stank thang with the champagne flute. Heck, even my brother would have had fond memories of Cinammon's (sic) flashlight nip nips and Dynamite's ability to shine light out of her ragged coochie. Then we could all have bought matching XXX Pre-Valentine's Day Blacktail Booty Fest T-shirts to wear to the next softball game or family reunion.

Jeez, why do I always find these flyers too late?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Smecial Dreams Entry!

We aksed a few people what were their dreams lately (all photos were stolen from their Facebook pages):

"I've been dreaming like crazy this week, but having trouble remembering them. I remember on Wednesday I dreamt I was lying in bed and kept looking at my clock and no matter when I looked it said 5AM. I'd close my eyes and go back to sleep, only to wake up and see it was still 5AM. I knew it was over when my alarm actually went off and I woke up for real and it said 6AM."

-Larry K

"Nothing I can share that's rated for the www."

-Kelly M

"I had a dream last night that my friend Kegan and I traveled to Kansas City for some odd reason. We went and saw a movie, got out and saw that the Mariners/Royals game was still going on--it was in extra innings. So we went to the game and got to sit in the middle of left field--actually on the field--to watch the rest. I believe the game went eighteen innings. Then we went to bed and had to fly out the next day. Kegan missed his alarm and didn't move the car, somehow costing us $500 dollars in parking tickets. I woke without making it to the airport in time."


"I had a dream that I fell in love with the woman with 14 babies."

-Jeff D

Monday, February 16, 2009

Another Visit To Pathmark

I know we don't do this bit anymore, but I took a trip to Pathmark that was extra prolific. So whatever.

And if it weren't obvious already, there's a Dunkin Donuts right next door:

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentines Day, Evelybody

We at Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you, you friends, your loved ones, and even people you just casually know a happy, healthy, safe, drug-free, wonderful, productive Valentines Day.

We would also like to tell Nehow that Dan like him and urge Dan to ask her to be Valentine.

***Editor's Note: At first I thought that was a self-reminder note, but reading it twice, the verb tenses make it sound like a third-party schemer is pulling the strings in this relationship. What are your theories?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Hey Stupid

When offering a fleet of yachts available for rent for commercial shoots, music videos (bling!), and corporate events, it's probably a good idea to spend some time on naming the company instead of just slapping words together to form an unfortunate new word.

Just ask Gina:


Hey, who's more slack than the decorator at the local VFW Lodge (January 31)?

Why, the answer is Walter and Sheryl Doobin on 8th Street in Brooklyn (Feb 10)! Congratulations, Walter and Sheryl, you almost made it to Valentine's Day!

And good luck burning down the house with a dried out tree next year!

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Infection Spreads.

Some EADJ readers might remember a December entry which featured an elderly woman about to eat her husband's head:

Well, we don't want to alarm you and cause a widespread panic, but she has apparently bitten a few other people since then. Most notably some folks in a Western Union campaign at Grand Central:

Fucking terrifying.