Monday, June 30, 2008

EXCLUSIVE OUTTAKES!

The following are exclusive outtakes from Andrew Gall's attempts at a Jerald Tribute photo:





It must be noted that Andrew attempted to take these photos on his own and stopped attempting once he had broken a candle holder in the process. Luckily, his newly-arrived fiancée Megan will be available to take one soon.

BONUS BONUS:

Through the miracle of computers, we have created a composite from the separate photos to bring you a "superphoto" of Andrew's cumulative attempts!

An Eco-pportunity

The rise of biofuels as an alternative to petroleum is changing the economic landscape, as well as creating new demand in areas heretofore overlooked. One major untapped market: Joel's ass.

It's been known for a while that Joel gobbles a sweet ton of dick. The sheer quantity of dick is already a viable source of energy. But imagine all that dick concentrated in Joel's bowels into one brick. That brick can power the next 40 Space Shuttle missions!


This would lead not only to America's independence from foreign oil but to a whole new way to power the planet. Joel would continue to eat dick, but we could harness that energy into an endless supply of energy for schools, water pumps, complicated cantilevers, and dick-powered blunderbusses! A new highly-concentrated measure of energy, the "Joelturd," (Jt), or "J-Brick," could be used to advance civilization!

And Joel could make like, a hundred bucks!

Wok This Way



(pictured above, some reappropriated hip hop lettering in Chinatown)

Friday, June 27, 2008

Channel 2 News is Crap.

"Around 11:25, we must always, always make room for some kind of retarded animal story. As journalists we owe it to our viewers."



Thursday, June 26, 2008

We're Staying With Pretty Low Humor Today, Folks


(pictured above, an actual message that Melinda Mitchell left on Jessica's Wall in Facebook)

That Jerky is NOT Jewish.

I opened some low-fat jerky yesterday and realized I was about to turn into Joel:


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

EADJ NEWS REPORT: WE HAVE CONTACT!!!


(AP) Two EADJ agents received a communication via email at 12:09 pm Eastern Time (ET) from who appears to be Jerald Johnson himself. This was the message (some names have been xxx'd out for their protection) :

----------

David,

The Legend Lives. I cooked Knockwurst, Saurerkruat, and Potatoes a few days ago.

A buddy name Lxxxxx told me about WAYN (where are you now) and I believe other friends including Pastor Xxxxx Xxxxx are a part of this. Its a website for those like me who travel and want to know more information about the places we are traveling to.

Free lunch sounds good!

Regards,
Jerald


-----Original Message-----
From: David Estoye
To: Tom Weingard ; Justin Hxxxxx
Cc: Txxxxx ; Jerald Johnson
Sent: Wed, 25 Jun 2008 11:20 am
Subject: Re: Jerald found!

Where can we get bratwursts and Kronenberg?


----------

Electronic handwriting analysts and IT specialists are currently checking the authenticity of this letter, since it could be some sort of prank or joke which would break our hearts. Stay tuned for the latest developments to EADJ, America's #1 source for Jerald news and updates.

Some Vicious Rumors About Joel That Must Be Quelled


• That he does not eat dick
• That this blog is all in good fun
• That Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro is in fact, a small person in a suit
• That Joel rushed Rod Stewart to the emergency room one night to get his stomach pumped
• That Joel rushed Richard Gere to the emergency room to get X-rays
• That most of Joel's earnings come from his African folk art store
• That Joel is not really Hispanic and his show "Mind of Joel" is extremely unfunny
• That Joel's famous "400 Techniques For Eating Dick" are actually 389 with 11 variations on #12
• That Joel is extremely angry with me for not lending him a really nice tray I got from Crate & Barrel because I knew he was going to use it to serve dick on
• That Joel eating the dick of a guy named Dick counts as 2

(pictured above, a recent shot from Pathmark, a bit we don't do anymore because the security guard woman threatened to kick me out if she saw me taking pictures in there again)

Every Week is Graffiti Week.

A little anti-consumer/anti-club culture action:



Some helpful social commentary:


And some not-so-helpful:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Somewhere Tomorrow


This one was a tough decision: Review a pre-Sex and The City S.J.P. in a terrible occult movie or a pre-vaginal Sharon Stone in a terrible romance? I'll go with the Sarah Jessica Parker one. Stay tuned for the full nuts review.


"With the aid of her father's journals, a young woman tries to find out why her friend's spirit hasn't crossed over." Maybe because their friend is IN HELL!!!!! LOOK AT THE PENTAGRAM ON THE DVD ARTWORK!!!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

¡¡¡¡¡JERALD JOHNSON HELLAHUGE UPDATE!!!!!!


Tom's email was almost INSTANTLY responded to:

------ Forwarded Message
From: Justin Xxxxxxx
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:28:07 -0400
To: Tom Weingard
Cc: Txxxxpro , David Estoye , Jerald Johnson
Subject: Re: [techpro] Jerald Williams

lol, that is actually Jerald Johnson. He is my roommate and used to go to MSNY. I cced him on this email.

Justin


----------------

So NOW WE HAVE JERALD'S EMAIL (xxxxx'd out for obvious reasons)!!!!!!! This is a breakthrough that EADJ had not mentally prepared for. Advisors and editors have been called to the EADJ Think Tank to strategize our next moves. Holy motherfucking shit.

Now I want to visit that mopped patio.

Scanning For Jerald...

Tom sent the following email (and photo) to a group of friends of his today:


Hey guys, sorry for the mass email, but does this dude (Jerald Williams!) go to our church? Moreover, does he even exist? I've gotten a bunch of SPAMmish emails from him through this mailing list, all wanting me to join the WAYN social network. Because if he does exist, I want to personally congratulate him for his fine posing skillz. He has become a sort of folk hero at my office.

Best,
Tom.

P.S. Jerald Williams will prevail.


----------------

Unfortunately, only after he sent it did he realize the guy's name is Jerald JOHNSON, not Williams. No word on whether this will hinder or help the search for Jerald.

In related WAYN news, David has received multiple emails from WAYN members, none of which, unfortunately, are from "the Man."


A random message from a "Nicole Anderson" or a "Debby (sic) Jones" is somewhat believable, but "Angelina Jolly?" Now that's SPAM.

The Off Brand T.P. Roundup, A Big Number 2

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the overwhelming positive response that we've gotten regarding the previous Off Brand T.P. Roundup, Eat A Dick Joel and NBC's Dateline have teamed up to bring you another segment sampling and reviewing some lesser-known brands of toilet tissue that we've found around town.

And this time, West Coast EADJ Correspondent ANDREW GALL has volunteered to offer his take on each:


Envision

To me, this one translates as "Visualize a clean poop chute." Can do. Also, for some reason, I imagine birds are somehow involved.



Premium Bath Tissue

The quality is the polar opposite of the name. It’s like saying “top shelf malt liquor.” It’s going to be rough and some skin may come off. I see this one as being prevalent at truck stops.


Marcal

Very abstract. A European flavor, perhaps. This appears to say “high-end,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the exact opposite. It’s probably present in those bathrooms in Brooklyn with the framed menus on the toilets.


Tork Universal

Ugh. “Tork.” Really? How is that a good idea for a name in this context? I’m afraid of this one and shying away. I guess maybe “Universal” makes me feel better about using it if everyone else is.



Mont Royal

Depends. Is it pronounced “Royal” or “Roy-ale?” The answer will yield very different results, and potentially consequences. I’m guessing it’s Canadian. Which means it’s probably OK. This is the kind of toilet paper that people give to horses.

T.P. Roundup BONUS:
East Coast Correspondent TOM WEINGARD has agreed to review the following "Qualité," an off-brand wetnap! (Click video to play)

video

A Note the Wife Left

Step 1: Get a slip of paper
Step 2: Find a pen
Step 3: Write a note
Step 4: Crack open the dishwasher door
Step 5: Put pen back

OR

Step 1: Empty the goddamn dishwasher



Here's one that John Reid left:

Friday, June 20, 2008

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Happy The Littlest Bunny

Oof. A bad movie is one thing. A bad children's movie that tries to teach you a lesson is an entirely new ball of suck. And after watching this cheaply-animated romp through lesson-land, I'm not even sure exactly what the moral of it all is.







The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Happy: It isn't fair mama! I eat my turnips every day, And still I'm the littlest bunny in the woods!

Mama Bunny: Now, Happy. There's more to life than being a big bunny.

Happy: Like what?

Mama Bunny: Well, like being honest, and having a big heart. If you keep your heart full of love and kindness, it doesn't matter what size your body is. You will be bigger than all the rest.

Happy: It will?

Mama Bunny: In a very special way, yes.

Happy: But, Mosey and Patch– they're always teasing me. I hate being teased.

Mama Bunny: I know, dear. But if you don't react to their teasing, then you'll be bigger than either of them, in spirit.

Happy: I'd rather be bigger than them in body.

Mama Bunny: Sometimes growth happens on the inside before it happens on the outside, Happy.

Happy: Being a littlest bunny stinks! My whole life stinks!

Mama Bunny: (shocked) Happy!

Happy: Well, it does! I'm always being picked on! And not just my brothers, either. Everybody on the woods is picking on me, just 'cause I'm so small!

Mama Bunny: Chicky doesn't pick on you.

Happy: Mama! Chicky is a chipmunk! He's just about the only animal in the woods that isn't bigger than me!

Mama Bunny: Is there anything I can do to make you feel better, Happy?

Happy: Figure out a way to change me from the littlest bunny into the biggest bunny.

(Mama Bunny shakes her head)


















The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Farmer Bellows: There! Maybe if I leave you some food, you'll stop raiding my garden.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: Tell your friends I'll bring fresh vegetables out here for all of you every day until the harvest is over.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

Farmer Bellows: And on until winter, too. Well, eat well, my little friends, eat well.

(no reaction from the bunnies)

(Farmer Bellows leaves the garden. The bunnies still don't react. Because they're bunnies for crying out loud.)






The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Mama: You are going to have some very serious consequences to your actions, young bunny.

"Scrappy": Yes ma'am, I kind of figured as much.

Mama: Good. You and Chicky will have to pay back the field mice every morsel you stole from them, and then some.


"Scrappy": Yes ma'am. We will.

Mama: And you're going to have to stop stealing from Farmer Bellow's garden.


"Scrappy": I will, don't worry. And I'll make sure nobody steals from him, either. Even if I have to stand guard myself!

Mama: Good. And I think you owe your brothers a big apology.

"Scrappy": Yes, ma'am, I sure do.


"Scrappy": I'm sorry, Patch. sorry, Moosie.


Moosie: Ah, that's okay, Scrappy. If it wasn't for me and Moosie teasing you all the time, this wouldn't ever happened.

Mama: I certainly hope you learned something about being big, Scrappy Rabbit.


"Scrappy": Oh, I did, Mama, I did. There's just one thing.

Mama: What is it?


"Scrappy": I don't want to be Scrappy Rabbit anymore. Will you start calling me Happy Rabbit again?

Mama: Well, well. It looks like the littlest bunny is finally growing up.

(Scooby and the gang then burst out in laughter)



So Happy's brothers were never in any danger. In fact, their vandalizing Farmer Bellow's garden prompted him to start sharing more with the animals. So what was the lesson to learn from all this? That becoming a violent asshole will make you a big shot, and eventually it will get you into trouble but that will somehow fix itself and reward everyone around you, so it was all worth it. Kind of like the end result of "Shaft."