Thursday, May 31, 2007

Oh Jeez.

Why? Why is he so sexy? How can I have these feelings?

So sexy. Sexy. Very extremely sexy. Hard to grapple with these feelings of confusion and desire. Must not want him. So sexy.

Tough to deal with, these urges. But it's his sexy, rippling body that's sending these signals to me. So sexy. Extremely, very sexy. So tan!

Jeans. Tight jeans now. So sexy. Mind racing. Heart pounding. Sexy. That Doctor Dude is doing a real number on me. Can't feel my extremities. Getting dizzy.

Must look away. But burned in my retinas, his sexy physique. Taut, firm and bronzed. He's a doctor, too. Plus, apparently he owns a boat.

Damn you, in flight magazine advertising!

Iko Iko Eat a Dick

A furious argument between Joel and his chimp servant resulted in a shutdown of internet access for the entire apartment complex. Mrs. Jannis downstairs complained that she was busy reading plot summaries for "Passions" when it shut down. Jimmy and Duncan in 3A were chatting with whores on the True® dating network. Bryan Dixon was updating his myspace page for the 8,644,301st time, adding some photos of some city in the Czech Republic. I forget which.

Joel and his chimp servant apologized to most of the complex. Except for old Mr. Fischer, who has yet to give Joel back his dick bowl from that potluck dinner.

(pictured above, Emily S rubs her strep ass all over the Café Kriv)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

"How I Spent My Holiday Weekend" by Joel's Chimp Servant

The following was submitted later this afternoon from a Compuserve email. All misspellings from the author have been kept intact.

How I spent my holiday wekend

Wekend began as always wiht early awakineng for make break fast. No holadiy weekend for chimp servant when you think about it.

Started macking Western frittata with side of dick (Joels favirote). Went oustide to get morning papper and save Harlem Funriture coupons for myself. Gonna buy that microfiber otomman soon.

Its great wehn Joel eat breafkast becuase he leave me alone and I can read U.S. World and News Report in peace. Also watch some of "Wickedwicked Games." Didnt liek at first but complex sotrylines start to grow on me.

Joel eating barkfast and everyhting going great until bus of cheer leaderhookers breaks down oustide. Joel start barking orders and get bossy to look manly infont of fucking hwores. All for show really cuz he prefer eat dick. Thus the name of blaog right am I kidding people?

Joel force me put on clean tshirt and walk out there to "tend to cheer leaderhookers needs' whcih issentialy means showing them wear in bushs to pee and help them resett travel bingo cards. All you got do is push red plastic thing back! Stupid hookers.

Hookers ask to call for towtuck but Joel is a dick about it. He particulair about hookers in his house (still!) and not want crabs in papa san agian.

Well this end of entry. just wandet to tell myside of the story. I got go to make porkchop sallad for Joel now and check on his ebay stattus.

- Chimp Sevrant

(pictured above, some Yuppie woman is considerate enough to leave the handicapped space available while she shops for accent rugs)

The Curlz from Ipanema

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Joel sure did.

A busload of cheerleader prostitutes broke down outside Joel's apartment complex. Joel sent his chimp servant out to the bus to care for the hookers' needs while he finished watching the LOST season finale a fourth time. Flash forwards?!!

After finishing his bit of daily Tivo viewing, Joel went out and chatted with the cheerleader prostitutes about what's wrong with their bus. Donna and Fiona said it was a transmission problem. Keri thought something sounded weird with the alternator. Brianna complained about a grey discharge.

One of the hooker cheerleaders asked Joel if maybe he could call a tow truck for them. Joel said he doesn't have a phone book but wished them all well. He even gave Kellie a case of dicks to tide them over until some real help showed up. Sluts.

(pictured above, a reader submission of the latest awful use for Curlz)

Monday, May 28, 2007

No one's in the office.

But to prove our commitment to you, our beloved obsessed reader, we're posting an entry anyways.

Joel eats dick! There!

(pictured above, the difference between an A cup and a D cup: a nerf football)

Friday, May 25, 2007

Eat a dick, eat a dick, waaaaaaay dick

For fun, Joel tried writing some palindromes today. Here are his failed attempts:

Onomatopoeia, that's my tomato!

Stomach comatose Sacramento.

I regret escargot.


Ryan Philippe, pull my urine.

Go hang a salami, I love to eat dick!

Bryan Dixon nixed an Arab.

(pictured above, the Chicago spring collection is revealed)

Thursday, May 24, 2007

They are real. And they are spectacular.

Suddenly there's way too much lime green on this page.

The day is coming when all of us will have seen him.

The following was submitted by Phil Flicklicker, mere minutes ago:

SFVOSP Spotted. 2:03 PM, entering Sbarro’s with a matronly coworker wearing her ID on a lanyard. She said “you could get a salad”, and he responded by rolling his eyes flamboyantly and making that exhaling sound one makes to express disbelief. (Kind of like David’s brother’s “TUU” expression, but nonmusical and muffled.)

Phil blah blah blah Shorter Fatter Version blah blah blah list at the bottom of this page blah blah blah.

BONUS: Here's probably what it looked like when Mister Wood was born:

Is he back?

A recent trip to Jewel gleaned this flyer from a pile of coupons at the front of the store:

Now, I don't know who the fuck the Kane County Cougars are, or even where Kane County is, but they obviously have a shitload to do during baseball games: fireworks, giveaways, skydivers, and almost nonstop entertainment by an overworked Jake the Diamond Dog who wears a towel. You'd think the Kane County mascot would be a 40ish woman in gold lamé hitting on college dudes.

But one particular entry caught this EADJ editor's eye:

This raises some important questions. Who is Myron Noodleman? What is it that he does IN the game– make balloon animals, throw firecrackers at strollers, dry hump the other mascots? Is what he does related to ThunderStixx™? And most importantly, is Myron related to our former video dude Joe Nudelman (don't laugh)?

Maybe Myron IS Joe in full makeup. Or maybe Myron is Joe from the future, trying to warn Joe not to build that time machine, because it creates a dystopian alternate reality where the Zooperstars perform on Sunday May 27th instead of Saturday May 26th. Theories abound.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Curlz Gone Wild!

(pictured above, Nikki's snarky joke turns functional.)

NOTE- one of the digits has been blurred to protect from WiFi jackers. That number is 7.

The EADJ Mail Sack is brimming to the rim with deposits.

Vince submitted this comp drawing he made for a Corona ad. Marshall reportedly gaped at the huge vagina that Vince drew in the curtains. I don't see it.

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster

Jessica dispenses some nuptial words of advice while tucking her hands in her sleeves because she doesn't have enough body fat to keep herself warm.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Welcome to the club, Pat Hanna (yet another SFVOSP entry)

Pat Hanna also saw Mr. Wood this morning. He also claims to have seen a slightly older, foreign version of Todd Crisman. He claims "vaguely French."

Pat joins pretty much the entire agency at the bottom of this page.

(pictured above, R. Kelly is 2 Slim Jims away from a total transformation)

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Let's Flick the Helmet Shaped Tip of the EADJ Mail Sack

In typical Joe Baran fashion, the following entry was submitted by him on Thursday, May 10, a mere five months after it was originally posted.

Hillarious! -Joe

Administar Wars, Episode 1

Andrew may be sick of it, but people continue to spot and report "Mister Wood," the alleged Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson.

Matt Webb captured this remarkable shot of Mister Wood this morning before work:

Ryan Boblett eagerly reported his sighting as well. Here is his write-up:
So I rode the elevator with the SFVOSP this morning. (matt webb is my witness. I think he got a pic too)

Here is what I learned:

- The man speaks with a nasty lisp. I'm not accusing him of being, "you know"...but he's not helping his case.

- Intrigued, I jumped off the elevator on 22 to follow him. He works at Adminastar Federal. I think they deal with Medicare.

- He actually noticed me following him so he politely held the door for me. I pretended I was lost and he smiled.


Wow. Super big ups for Ryan for almost TRESPASSING for a little info. Ryan wins a Gold Mollusk award and a special notation on the list at the bottom of this page.

This is bordering on harassment.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

This is the New Thing.

Curlz On Film, three minutes later, Curlz On Film

Poor Joel threw his back out today.

He was eating dick at Cocktrough McGee's on Mulholland, when a fellow patron asked him if he would help carry some takeout dick to his car.

Joel agreed but apparently carried too much of it at one time, ironically forgetting to bend his knees.

Joel will be in traction for 2 weeks and will be forced to enjoy dick through a straw. We at EADJ wish him happy recovery.

(pictured above, a case of the lower case Curliez -also with the annoying tendency to put capital letters in shapes- shows up at a skanky pedicure joint)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

A Lame Theft Attempt, Reenacted Lamely

Luzie & Travis show how Lauren totally caught a suspicious dude with his hand in her purse.

Eating Dick and Naming Joel

"Joel, no. Don't touch that. That's not for you."

"Joel, come here. We're just here to make a deposit at the bank... JOEL. COME HERE. Don't start wandering or we'll never be able to find you."

"Hold my hand, Joel. Joel. Joel. Hold my hand, Joel. No, put that pen down. No, that's not for you, Joel. Joel."

"No, don't put the pen in your mouth, Joel. Joel. It's dirty. No. NO. JOEL. PUT DOWN THE PEN."

"That isn't a pen? What is that, Joel?"

"Put that dick down, Joel. You don't know where it's been. Take that dick out of your mouth THIS MINUTE, Joel. Don't make me tell you twice. JOEL!"

"Take that nice man's dick out of your mouth, Joel. I'm so sorry, sir. He's really not... JOEL. PUT THAT MAN'S DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH."


"Joel, don't put another dick in your mouth. You just finished that other one."

"Stop it, Joel. Stop fondling the balls. Stop. Stop it right now! Stop teabagging the nice bank manager's balls. NO, JOEL."

"No. Joel. No. No. NO. NO. NO! You're going to ruin your appetite!"

"Do you not want to go to McDonald's after the bank, Joel? I guess you don't if you keep eating dick in the bank. No, you can't cry now. No, Joel. I warned you. I told you not to eat dick. Are you happy now, Joel? This was your doing. I'm very disappointed in you today, so you can cry all you want."

(pictured above, a student product design at Columbia College is inspired by two gophers fucking)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Curlz Just Wanna Have Font

PROJECT ROSTER: We took a peek in Joel's itinerary to get a sense of what projects Joel has in the running for this week:

• Eat the dick of Xi Shun, the world's tallest man, so that I can stand up for once.

• Screenplay for Hallmark original movie "Chance Meeting in the Cat Toy Aisle."

• Trim that bush

• TV adaptation for "Spider-Man, the All-Black Wearing, Whiney Emo Phase."

• Lunch with Joe Eszterhas at Women's Symposium

• Eat Daniel Baldwin's dick to MAKE THE COLLECTION COMPLETE

• Toss that "King of Queens" script that will never get produced now, dammit

• Carb up for that big non-carb diet

• Start writing that biopic about Rachael Ray starring Rachael Ray as a thinner Rachael Ray

(pictured above, J'Net discovers another café that uses CURLZ!!!!!)

Monday, May 14, 2007

Is that a Joel in your pocket, or are you just happy to eat dick?

Joel has always been a big proponent of dick-eating. But not everyone is as fortunate as Joel.

In some impoverished parts of the country, there are people who eat only 2 or 3 dicks A MONTH. That amounts to fewer than 30 dicks a year, which is far below the dickpoverty line. Joel has started a grassroots community outreach program called Joel's Seriously Huge Dick In Po' Folks' Unwashed Mouths For Charity Foundation in his hometown Los Angeles. Since its inception in 2002, over four dozen outreach centers have blossomed into full campuses with working toilets and dick cafeterias. Joel's proud, smug grin beams from huge billboards across the street from these centers, proclaiming "If You Broke, You Gonna Still Eat Dick, Y' Herre?" And while many of these centers have closed due to asbestos or goat infestations, Joel has remained a symbol of putting dick on poor families' tables.

(pictured above, a rare and beautiful thing: Pro-establishment vandalism)

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.


• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?

Friday, May 11, 2007

Shorter. Fatter. Resembles Scott Peterson.

EADJ has learned that Josh Witherspoon spotted The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson over three weeks ago but neglected to report it. That pretty much amounts to a felony in Illinois.

Josh described being actually "shocked" to see the SFVOSP in the elevator, likening the experience to spotting a celebrity.

Josh's experience adds some stunning new information about the SFVOSP: He apparently is named "Mr. Wood," and he works on the 19th floor, not the 23rd floor as reported before.

Josh's name has now been added to the list of people at the bottom of this page who have spotted The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson.

(pictured above, Josh's drawing of the SFVOSP, which will be on my refrigerator very soon)


Andrew Gall also spotted Mister Wood two days ago. Here is his account:

"Fleeting moment with the SFVOSP as he exited the elevator. He was dressed up today, wearing a pink shirt and tie with tan pants. Looked both festive and professional."

EADJ regrets not posting this sooner and now wishes it weren't a felony.

A nice sit-down with Alexander Duckworth

EADJ was fortunate to meet and interview Alexander Duckworth, Joel's longtime agent and friend.

We met him poolside at the beautiful Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. In a crisp Hugo Boss seersucker suit and sunglasses, Alexander was confident and pleasant. He answered our questions as he sipped an extra dirty martini with blue cheese filled olives.

EADJ: So thank you for showing up this time, pisshead.

AD: My pleasure.

EADJ: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you still represent Joel, that asshole?

AD: Joel has an amazing energy and creative focus that I don't see in a lot of talent in this town. I've stayed his agent because I believe he can reach the stratosphere.

EADJ: Dong!

AD: What?

EADJ: Nothing.

AD: (silence)

EADJ: You're such a cocksucker. Why are you such a fucking pussy cunt dickhead?

AD: I'm in this business because I love the creative process of filmmaking. I want to help bring the best out of people and help them put their dreams on screen.

EADJ: Eat my asshole, you tard fuck. You sicken me.

AD: Thanks for having me.

(pictured above, my cabbie this morning really, really doesn't care)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

A Peek Into the Dark Mind of Obsession

So Andrew says Megan is obsessed with gorillas. EADJ sat down with Andrew and Megan for more information about her gorilla fetish. (Note: Some of these answers are fabricated to spice up the article.)

How did it start?
Andrew: When Megan watched "Gorillas in the Mist," starring Sigourney Weaver.

What did she like about them?
Andrew: She liked that they were gentle, misunderstood creatures.

Do gorillas eat dick?
Andrew: Only if it was vegetarian dick. Or a banana in the shape of a dick. Or a dick in the shape of a banana.

So what Gorilla merchandise has she purchased? Andrew: A few books, a Valentine's Day stuffed gorilla. Also, Megan stole a copy of National Geographic because it had a feature about gorillas in it. Plus she stabbed a guy on the bus for no reason, just like a gorilla would. My name is Andrew. I wipe from the front.

Has Megan ever touched a gorilla? Megan: No

Can you imagine what it would be like?
Megan: My dream is to hold hands with a gorilla.

Do you pretend that Andrew's a gorilla when you hold hands?
Megan: Andrew does a good gorilla impression when holding hands. But he farts like a bull, and it sets me off on another serious stabbing rampage. My name is Megan and I once punched a horse in the nuts, cowboy-style.

Anything else you'd like to add about gorillas? Megan: We need to save the mountain gorillas, cuz there are only around 200 left.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Todd Kicks It High! Todd Kicks It Strong!

(pictured above, Todd goes a little crazy when Canned Heat starts playing "Sugar Bee" off their 1970 album Future Blues.

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above,,, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Here's To Not Separating Bullshit From Work

A big shout-out goes to Todd C for bringing up the Eat a Dick Joel blog in an internal Yellow Pages meeting.

Up next: Todd dropping EADJ's name in the Thursday client meeting in Denver. With clients there. Clients.

Let's Juggle and Squeeze the Two Rounded Bottoms of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Ryan B)

"Joel should hang his mouth on it."

Monday, May 7, 2007

Back in the Saddle. Or Feedbag.

Returning to form, Joel racked up a staggering 4,530 dicks in one day today, chowing down such a copious amount of dick that it affected the tides.

Joel put on his dick-eating bib at 5am this morning, tore out of his one bedroom flat and gave a shrill war cry/mating call that rivaled the howls of a hyena giving ectopic birth. The amount of eaten dick lying in his wake on La Cienega Ave made it look like an aircraft carrier full of dicks collided with a dirigible full of dicks over a supercollider full of dicks on the lip of a volcano erupting with dicks.

Joel has now joined the leaderboard of dick eaters for today's round, bumping Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh from the 3rd and 4th place slots, and finishing 4 strokes ahead of Sabbatini.

By 4pm, Joel had blazed through so much dick that he had to pause briefly to build a scrapbook about the morning to document the achievement. He stopped by JoAnn Fabrics to get glitter yarn, puffy stickers, and dick-shaped stencils to build the 28 pages of dick-eating memories. Also googly eyes.

(pictured above, ESPN makes a racist Wesley Snipes joke)

Let's Try to See How Wide We Can Make The Hole of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured above, an actual letter –written in purple glitter pen– left on Jeanette's doorstep. Click to enlarge)

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Joe Nudelman. A Fond Remembrance.

Pictured above, Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) in a moment of repose. This reminds me of an old 1961 George Tames photo of JFK:

Friday, May 4, 2007

Farewell, Sweet Nudelman.

(The following is, sadly, the last in-house entry of "In the Nude" by Joe Nudelman, who for the last six months has been a major contriubutor to Eat a Dick Joel:)

Today I’ve decided to write a worthy tribute to the arguably most awesomest weapon ever forged by the gods: The trident!

This glorious piece of weaponry is as deadly as it is versatile. The use of the Trident has spanned over the course of all time, spanning universes, species, and mythology.

Did you know that more things have been poked by the tips of a trident than the overall number of thrusts with a trident over the course of our history? Approximately three holes have been punctured for every single thrust, talk about efficiency! Bet your stupid gun can’t hit three things with only one bullet… HA!
Tridents have played a glorious role in the development of our modern society. Ancient warriors and rulers of sea wielded the mighty ‘Tri-Cornered Spear’ (as it was referred to in the time of Scurvy). Many might argue that had it not been for this spectacular bit of weaponry, that the Navy as we know may not have ever received permission to traverse the glorious ocean that covers our planet, and we would be forced to become land isolated, living in caves, and likely turning to cannibalism in the absence of wonderful silks and spices that could be found just on the other side of the pond. I pledge my loyalty to those brave ancient souls and salute thee who created the wondrous trident.

The trident paved the way for many things. From useful things such as forks, sporks, and walking sticks. And to things we could probably do without, such as sporks, this article, and that crappy Trident Gum commercial where that bitch is stranded on that island, and the gum makes her teeth shine so bright that it attracts a plane to rescue her. That commercial sucks almost as much as this article! Stupid, just stupid.

In conclusion, tridents are awesome and they are bigger and better than you or I. Respect them or face the consequences.

In other news, today (Friday May 4th) is my last day here at C-K. I’ve enjoyed my time with most all of you (all 3 who read this to be sure), and despite the lack of a respectable amount of pay the company here makes it a bit frustrating and difficult to leave. There was a compliment in that previous sentence.

And my last conversation with Sergio will probably incite a rage inside my bowels that will likely lead to a desire to murder adorable babies and puppies, no matter how mine they are, every time I think about it. Seriously, I went from liking him, to going somewhere between loathing and homicidal thoughts, I actively dislike this man. But I digress.

I’ve enjoyed my time with you all and wish you well. If anyone would wish to contact me, my email address is

Catch y’all on the flip!

-Joe Nudelman

Let's Stretch the Lips of the Ol' EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is from an email from a "Patrick Chan," labeled READ AND GET BACK TO ME)


83, Des Voeux Road,
Central HK,Hong Kong.

Good Day,

Let me start by introducing myself.i am Mr Patrick K.W Chan Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd Hong Kong.l have a secured business proposal for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Col. Hosam Hassan who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Thirty Million United State Dollars ($30,000,000.00) only in my branch.Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war which began in 2003. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that Col. Hosam Hassan along with his wife and the only daughter had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that our client Col.Hosam Hassan did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit.

Against this backdrop,my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Col.Hosam Hassan so that you will be able to receive his funds.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.Should you be interested please send me your,

1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address.

I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below And finally after that i shall provide you with more details of this transaction.

Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Mr.Patrick Chan.

Exercise your brain! Try Flexicon.


I find it interesting that after all the urgency of rescuing Col. Hosam Hassan's $30,000,000, the banker Mr. Patrick Chan wants to also put a bug in my ear about Flexicon. I decided to respond to Mr. Chan's missive with this:

Dear Mr. Patrick Chan,

..\.................. /........\................../

Maturely yours,
Joel Thomas

p.s. Didn't we kick your ass in WWII?

(pictured above, The Unfortunate Tagline of the Month. The Chicago Transit Authority tagline tries to encourage people to consider riding more often, but instead suggests a brutal rape)

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The Michelle-a-thon Continues...

(pictured above, Todd gets in on the action. Click on the photo to see Todd's really stupid smirk)

Brazilian Wax On and Off Again

(per an anonymous EADJ reader's request, a reshoot of the previous Mongo Brazilian Wax photo)

Brazilian Wax On, Brazilian Wax Off

(pictured above, Michelle inadvertently leaves a mongo box of Brazilian Bikini Wax on her desktop, and John Carstens grapples with his feelings while trying to concentrate on some AirTran ads)

Dick-a-Doodle Joel

Joel's dick-eating has been an influence on American culture for a while now, but the full extent has yet to be discovered.

Every day more walks of life seem to be heavily influenced by Joel eating dick:

• Cattlemen in Montana now call one of their lasso techniques "Joeling the Dick."

• Godfather's Pizzas everywhere serve a stale, round dessert called "Eat a Dick Joel, Seriously."

• When drunk, Belgians eat each others' dicks and scream "I'M JOEL!" in their native language.

• Tommy Hilfiger has launched a new sub-brand, named Joelly EatDicker.

• Joel himself has started a scrapbook of all the publications and church bulletins that mention him eating dick.

• The Dick Industry has reported a stunning 800% rise (huh huh) in profits since Joel's 16th birthday.

(pictured above, a jaded –and jade– Michelle Litos laughs as a tour group discovers the awesome and interesting industry called advertising)

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


(pictured above, the screening of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" has been cancelled due to it being a screening of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."