Wednesday, January 31, 2007
In a twist of Melrose Place-like proportions, Todd Crisman has announced the existence of a "younger, snarkier David Estoye." It appeared to be some sort of retribution for the constant harpings by Team EADJ about the "Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson," but closer view of the photos and movie have proven Todd correct. Whether this is a coincidence or an elaborate hoax to distract Team EADJ from their mission is unknown. What is known is that Todd Crisman's hairdo is the building's only salt-and-pepper bowl cut.
(pictured above, not David Estoye)
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Joel didn't do much today. Except his whites in the warm cycle. And eat dick. He's eagerly awaiting a phone call from Paramount Studios, who have apparently taken interest in his script about a skinny copywriter who eats dick and cries during "Grey's Anatomy." The working title is called "Atkins Moonshine & Dick." Johnny Depp, Casper Van Dien, and Joel Thomas have already expressed interest.
(pictured above, the rarest of photos: Reception still open at 5:40 pm)
Monday, January 29, 2007
Of all the upcoming Super Bowl ads being leaked onto the net, the most surprising is a campaign that Ogilvy & Mather did for Twizzlers. It features Joel eating Twizzler after Twizzler to some music by The Killers. Then there's an art card at the end that says "Eat a Twizzler, Joel!™"
EADJ's lawyers have already contacted O&M New York to serve them a cease and desist letter. Meanwhile, Joel refuses to answer his door to any reporter or media outlet unless they have dick.
(pictured above, beloved Kentucky Derby winner Shaquille O' Neal was put down today after complications from a broken leg.)
**UPDATE** Sources close to Dean report that all of the Hyatt Place work done over the weekend has been brutally killed and that a new creative brief is to be rejiggered. Stay tuned for another briefing photo soon...
Friday, January 26, 2007
(Note: This is a special guide to help educators explain in more detail the life and travails of Joel Thomas to their students. This is not an instructional guide on how to eat dick.)
Students often ask "Why does Joel eat dick?" Instead of ignoring this obvious question or punishing them, you should let them figure it out for themselves. Answer them with questions of your own: "Why shouldn't Joel eat dick?" "What is the symbolic connection between Joel and dick?" "What about Joel can we identify with?" "Who's making farting noises near the radiator? Is it you, Peter?"
Also, workbooks are helpful in developing a student's understanding of dick being eaten by Joel. By involving them in activities, essays, and pictograms, by the end of 8 weeks most 3rd graders can grasp the concept of Joel chugging huge amounts of ding dong and can probably write "Eat a dick, Joel" in cursive.
Answers for section 2 of the workbooks:
5. 225 North Michigan, 24th Floor, Chicago, IL 60601, Attn: Brad Harvey
6. The letters C, U, and N.
7. Frederick Douglass
8. Chris Klein dressed like a pizza.
9. Fangoria Magazine, Vol. 4, Issue 8
(pictured above, the exact amount of Indian food that Scott Wild can eat without spraying the bowl in orange.)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Lou Gramm once said "Too much ain't enough to satisfy me." Such is the case with our hero Joel. Still fresh from the 7000 Dick afterparty, he went to Koi in West Hollywood to devour some sashimi and dick. He was spotted leaving with Ashlee Simpson, although the two have not been linked by any of the tabloids.
Always gracious with the paparazzi, Joel waved hello to the cameras before climbing into his Subaru Outback. Flashbulbs lit the tinted windows enough to show that Joel was eating yet even more dick with Ashlee. Sources close to the Outback have said that the dick belonged to Joe Simpson. Creepy!
(pictured above, The Hyatt Place teams get briefed for the 4th time at 5:40 pm.)
Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been so busy at EADJ headquarters. It seems like we're stormchasers around here sometimes, except instead of a huge tornado, it's a 140 lb. blur of a man eating lots of serious cock.
Joel hit a career milestone today, eating his 7,000th dick. Spectators and well-wishers were there to help Joel celebrate the occasion, watching the big dick clock turn over from 6,999. Parade Magazine reporters were there to document the event and to make Joel the coverboy for the Feb. 18 issue. Joel is also going to appear in a swimsuit spread in Soldier of Fortune Magazine, holding three thongs in his mouth and a Faberge egg in his anus.
(pictured above, Gay Bears, the newest Western boy band on Fresh Jive Records, climb up the Gay Alternative charts with their hit "Your Love's Fermenting In My Taint.")
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Joel found a whole new avenue, or should we say vein, for eating dick.
Whilst on his way to the local modern art museum for a meet-and-greet with the curators for his upcoming show "EATING DICK: A Retrospective," Joel took a wrong turn and happened upon some gang bangers. They normally would have jacked Joel's Subaru Outback but noticed the EATDIK license plate and asked him to show his skillz.
A few dicks eaten and a lively conversation about "Wicked Wicked Games" later, Joel went on his way with a whole new set of contacts.
Boo Boo, Raj-X, and Goochie Shug are sure to see their new friend very soon! Congrats, Joel!
(pictured above, some of the awesome swag from the Rozerem shoot that Emily had to wrest away from looters)
Monday, January 22, 2007
Witness Todd Crisman admitted having spotted the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson last week. He disagreed that SFVOSP was significantly shorter than Scott Peterson "which makes it even more nefarious," but he confirmed that he was indeed fatter. "Significantly."
Todd said that he tried to take a photo of SFVOSP on the way to Starbucks with his mobile phone but creeped out some girls nearby. He also said that SFVOSP seems "genuinely jolly" and always walks with his hands in his pockets.
We at EADJ are pursuing this story closely and will give you more information as it becomes available. Now back to Two and a Half Men, which is already in progress.
Oh, Joel. You vex us, you inspire us, you frustrate us with your boundless dick eating. How can budding dick eaters hope to reach the heights (and lengths) that you have devoured in your 35 years on this earth?
"Baby steps," you always say with a sage nod, "Baby steps."
So to all you Joel wannabes: you'll want to start off slowly. Replace your regular side dish (mashed potatoes or greens) with dick. Then slowly work your way so that dick becomes the bigger portion of your meal. This transition from side dick to main dick usually takes 3 weeks. Joel made a chart for all you beginners, but he got it ruined at Kinko's when he tried to get it laminated.
(pictured above, Ryan finds a suitable Noel substitute.)
Thursday, January 18, 2007
This EADJ Guest Writer Week has sort of fallen to shit, so we're going to just bag it for now. Maybe a guest entry from Joel sometime. That would be funny. A whole entry talking about how much he eats dick, by HIMSELF. So meta!
Today Joel had his regular regimen of bran cereal and dick to get started in the morning, then a sensible lunch of dick with lime and pesto. Tonight he will be going to Dicko Bell to scarf a Gordicka Crunch and a Seven Layer Burdicko. Then he's going to The Loews Dickaplex Odeon to watch "Ten Dicks I Ate About You" and "Alpha Dick" starring Jusdick Dickerlake.
(pictured above, a Canon technician wonders what's a five-letter word for "Sculptor's subject.")
From day one, we at EADJ have prided ourselves on staying true to our Mission Statement: to bring you the latest news on dick being eaten by Joel. But sometimes other news is so urgent that Joel's escapades with dick must be put on temporarily on hold. Such is the case with a photo taken yesterday at 12:49pm in the 225 North Michigan tunnels:
AN ACTUAL PHOTO taken of the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson.
As you can see, he is definitely fatter. That gut must be at least a 42 inch waist. And look at those tits. Scott doesn't have tits.
Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has seen this photo, however blurry, and has confirmed that this is indeed the SFVOSP.
Local authorities have been put on alert, and Scott Peterson has been notified. Shown the photo, Scott chuckled, but then sat in uncomfortable silence, wondering when this joke was going to end.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
(from the AP Wire)
SOURCES INSIDE 225 NORTH MICHIGAN HAVE CONFIRMED A SPOTTING OF THE ELUSIVE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP. A WITNESS HAS EVEN CAPTURED PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF OF SAID SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON AND WILL POST TOMORROW STOP.
JOE NUDELMAN (DON'T LAUGH) WILL CONFIRM THE PHOTO TO COMPARE IT WITH HIS OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP.
(pictured above, a scene from the upcoming Lion's Gate movie "You've Got Dick," wherein two co-workers just yards apart discover that they both ordered the same big black latex cock, when all along they were made for each other. Rated PG-13 for cutesy dialogue, some drug use and a brief shot of scrotum)
(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, this entry has been submitted by Larry Liss– for realsy this time.)
In a thinly-veiled attempt to both swallow a few swords and peddle his ineptly-penned TV mini series "Too Many Clowns," Joel showed up at the Golden Globe Awards, mouth wide open. Here's what a few celebs had to say about a dick-eating Joel:
"That laugh will invade my dreams for years to come." –Clint Eastwood
"I get it. Jersey Girl sucked. But it was a fucking masterpiece next to a script about a sad clown that's raised by cyborgs." –Ben Affleck
"(Sigh) He uses way too much teeth." –Leonardo Di Caprio.
"With hard-work and a lot of dick-eating, Joel will make it in this town." –That guy on Grey's Anatomy, who used to be the Karate Kid. I think.
"I don't even have a dick. I don't know why he keeps asking me if he can suck it." Teri Hatcher
(Pictured above, Teri Hatcher: Seriously, I don't have a dick, Joel.)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Larry Liss.)
Larry would have written something about Joel eating dick here, but apparently he was too busy. It would have been funny and poignant and a clever analogy to how life is in these mean streets. You probably would have read it twice, wept, then copy-and-pasted the entry to send to your estranged parents, because it touched you in some profound way.
Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Dingdang!
(pictured above, a building-wide search turns desperate, and more people volunteer to track down the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson)
***UPDATE!!!!!*** There's a break in the manhunt, as the real Scott Peterson's assistant Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) spots the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson in the elevators this very morning! Stay tuned to EADJ for the latest in this developing story.
Monday, January 15, 2007
(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Andrew Gall– for real this time)
This Sunday, per usual, Joel’s dick-eating knew no bounds. It started out innocently enough, with Joel gobbling a little Saturday morning meatstick in the shower, followed by a special late lunch smorgasbord of schlong at the Ivy, complete with a bevy of Cajun spices. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Joel stepped out of his house for dinner. With seven dicks already under his ever-expanding belt, it seems as if Joel, in his haste to munch member, mistook a nearby street side sculpture of John Wayne as another cock to crunch. Chipping three of his front molars, Joel was rushed to Richard Haber, DDS, a top Santa Monica-area cosmetic dentist, to make things right again. Joel was then given a grape popsicle and sent home in one piece. Crisis averted.
(pictured above: Vince Soliven attempts to become less brown, fails.)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Anyone who's ever met a Belgian knows that the Belgian people are an intense, singleminded people. So when the Belgian consulate in Washington D.C. announced that they were including Joel Eating Dick as part of the emblem of their national flag, you knew they weren't being facetious.
Political talk shows, most notably "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, thought the announcement was a ploy to curry favor with the United States through Joel eating dick. Bill O' Reilly even went so far as to call Joel "A dick-eating lapdog of the outdated Belgian monarchy." India thought the announcement was a ploy to curry flavor.
(pictured above, a chart)
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Okay, we at EADJ have had enough of the unfair rumors surrounding our hero, Joel. A little misinformation here or there is permissible, but the following rumors must come to an end NOW:
• The rumor that Joel did not eat any dick after a movie on Wednesday, January 3 and went straight home. The truth is, he ate dick, but he snuck it into the theatre.
• The rumor that Joel has eleven toes. In all of Joel's "I Eat Dick" advertisements around the city, he appears to have the regular ten toes. Producers of the ads have sworn that they have not retouched any extra toes out.
• The rumor that Joel prefers the occasional McRib to dick. While the McRib is a tasty boneless pork and barbecue sauce sandwich with a bun, onions and pickles and is available only on a temporary basis, Joel's first love is definitely dick.
• The persistent rumor that Joel is writing one episodes for the MyNetworkTV daytime drama "Wicked Wicked Games." It has already been established here many times that Joel, while an avid fan of the show, has never been called to put words in Tatum O'Neal's mouth. Instead, Joel has devoted most of his time putting dick in HIS mouth.
• The rumor that there is a shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson roaming the hallways of 225 North Michigan. This rumor is actually true. Because I've seen him a few times at the elevators. And I almost said hey to him.
So we at EADJ beseech the media, the grassroots supporters and the pundits to put an end to these vicious rumors. Except for that last one, which is totally true about the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson. Seriously.
(pictured above, a scene from the new Hilary Swank movie "Freedom Writers.")
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
This Second Life crap has to stop. Nobody cares about Second Life except geeks and people who like to play with digital dolls. We already have AIM, so why the fuck do you want to use a more convoluted, ugly, and non-intuitive way to chat online? And the fact that some dude has made some real money selling virtual real estate or the fact that some crap company has set up a virtual shop in Second Life is no longer news. Second Life fucking SUCKS. Except for the fact that a virtual Joel can eat virtual dick on it.
(Pictured above, Jessica uses her unique logic and reason to get dressed for the winter.)
ADDENDUM: This entry is not implying that Jessica goes on Second Life. It does imply that she has questionable judgment, however.
(Eat a Dick Joel is proud to present an exclusive interview with actress Jessie Ward, who plays Emma Crawford on the MyNetworkTV series "Wicked Wicked Games.")
EADJ: So, Jessie, this is your second soap opera...
Jessie: Daytime drama. We prefer to call them daytime dramas.
EADJ: Okay, this is your second daytime drama. How is this one different?
Jessie: Well, it's more about character in this series. We all play over-the-top roles here, since it's a supernatural-based storyline, but there is more emphasis on building a part. I think it's fun to be big and have permission to take your acting ability and be as big as possible with it. So this is great.
EADJ: I see.
Jessie: And since this isn't based on any written work, it's up to the actors to establish and create their character from the ground up.
Waiter: Uh, excuse me...
Waiter: Hi, do you mind if we move you guys over to the next table?
Jessie: What? Why?
Waiter: Well, you are both sitting at a four-seater, and a party of four has just come in.
Jessie: (flustered) Then why did you seat us here?
EADJ: Uh, we're trying to conduct an interview here...
Waiter: We really need the space...
Jessie: You can't just seat us here and then move us over right after we got our entrees! This is ridiculous!
EADJ: So what's it like working with Tatum O'Neal?
Jessie: Why don't you just move those two little tables over to seat the four?
Waiter: But those are in two different zones, and I can't...
Jessie: I want to speak to your manager.
EADJ: (stares at notepad)
Jessie: Let me speak to your manager.
Waiter: Shit. I gotta go. (runs with other waiters onto the bar)
Group of 12 waiters on top of the bar: (singing) We go to-gether, like rama lama lama, ke ding a de dinga a dong...
Jessie: Christ. Why did you choose Ed Debevic's, anyway?
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
CORRECTION: Yesterday EADJ reported that Joel had signed on to write one episodes of the Tatum O'Neal soap opera "Wicked Wicked Games." In actuality, Joel had simply WATCHED an episode of "Wicked Wicked Games" in his boxer briefs while eating bologna out of the package. EADJ regrets the error.
The episode Joel watched was titled "Delayed Gratification." Though Theodore and Emma make a pact to keep the family secrets between them, Brooke’s suspicions are nonetheless aroused. And while Josh tries to prove that Emma should have faith in him, Edward proves that he cannot be trusted.
(pictured above, Amazon.com CEO and Founder Jeff Bezos announces the exciting new "Eat a Dick!" option on its store, allowing consumers to "eat a dick with only one click!" Unfortunately, the only consumers that this option is available to is Joel Thomas and strangely, Mia Farrow.
CLARIFICATION: EADJ readers have pointed out that in today's and yesterday's entries, the plural word "episodes" followed the singular word "one." The EADJ writers assure everyone that this is intentional, to make it funnier.
Monday, January 8, 2007
2007 promises to bring new hope and dick to Joel. He has resolved to make a new start and has already quit his job as a CompUSA greeter. He will now devote more time to writing screenplays for Tatum O' Neal's new series "Wicked Wicked Games." To show their faith in the project, the studio MyNetworkTV has even purchased an additional one episodes! Way to go, dick eater!
Joel has also reportedly lost more weight. He is now a healthy 130 lbs, although his liver only works intermittently now. Atkins-tastic!
(pictured at the top: kitchen renovations on 24 force a Trekkie –Trekker, whatever– to forlornly stroke his Tribble mouse cover)